We are stuck in a place I am calling Limbo Land. Nothing is getting better but nothing is getting worse. We are dealing with trust issues and the funny thing is that it is more David not trusting me than me not trusting David. He is paraniod about the money I spend. He is saying this to a woman who dyed her hair back to her natural (or as close to my natural) color so that she didn't have to pay 200 bucks every 3 months for highlights and cuts. I clip coupons. I use restaurant.com and groupon for things that we do outside the home. I am a big fan of Redbox. My car is almost paid off (my second paid off car and I am only in my early 30's). Yes, I am the one that you should worry about.
My psychologist said he may be projecting. I want to insert that I am so tired of phsych words that I could spit. He had two years where he was lying to me on a daily basis and during that time he thought there were things I was lying about. Now that we are being more open and truthful he either thinks I am still lying-which I have NEVER done, or he things that I am going to get even with him by maxing out his credit card that he gave me because I haven't found a job yet.
He also doesn't believe that I am hunting for a job. Oh yes, I am sitting at home eating bon-bons. I am not sure what a bon-bon is but that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun than the hours I have spent in staffing offices, online submitting resumes, and phone interviews.
David's first doctor's visit is next week. I really hope that some medication can help.
Trying to save some money I did suggest that if we do go out to eat for Valentine's Day we do it this weekend before places start making their fixed price menus for the holiday.
David: But if we do something this week when Valentine's comes around you will still want to do something else.
Me: Oh yeah. Like last year when all I asked for was a card since we were saving money for a house and you didn't even get me a card. Then you didn't even open my card to for a week.
David: (silence)
David: Well we could go this week if you want to.
Wow. Don't make me force you to try to work on this marriage.
I took my ring off a couple weeks ago. Still only eating about 500-800 calories a day. I tried eating breakfast to hope that would make my appetite return. The only time it comes back is when I am in a completely different environment.
Gonna start running on Saturday to try to see if that boosts my mood.
Tried to think of something positive to end on and I can't think of one.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Not sure if this marriage will work. David "jokingly" has started calling me slut and whore. The irony is not lost on me. He is sleeping in the other room as I type. It was my choice. He said I can't take a joke. Yeah. Haha. These last three months have been fucking hilarious. Right now I can say I hate him and am so angry at him. He will use this as an exuse to not attend his SAA group tomorrow.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Boundaries
It took me a long time to realize that when people on chat rooms and other blogs said they had to set "boundaries" with thier sex addicted spouse I didn't realize it was a friendly way to say RULES. I have set two with David.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
SAA
My husband has not enjoyed going to these meetings. He has only gone to two and he hasn't shared yet but he has no choice. One of my "boundaries" is that he has to go until his doctors tell him not to. I feel that SAA is like a reminder of how much worse it could have been. As a reminder (not that I need it) my husband was addicted to online porn for the last two years. During bad days he would spend 13 hours straight on the computer, phone, chat rooms, or sexting.
He goes to SAA with people who have lost everything due to sex addictions. David has jeopardized a lot but since it never went past the fantasy world I have chosen for now to stay with him. If someone used to be overweight and to avoid going back to those unhealthy habits they post a picture of their former selves on the fridge, I feel it is a good reminder of remember what you were and what could be again.
That is how I feel SAA is. A weekly reminder of why those actions are not welcome in his life anymore. Pretending that these last two years never happened is not the answer.
And on a venting side note...due to bad weather last week his Phych appt has been delayed until next month. Sigh. I feel like something is working against me getting him to the doctor.
He goes to SAA with people who have lost everything due to sex addictions. David has jeopardized a lot but since it never went past the fantasy world I have chosen for now to stay with him. If someone used to be overweight and to avoid going back to those unhealthy habits they post a picture of their former selves on the fridge, I feel it is a good reminder of remember what you were and what could be again.
That is how I feel SAA is. A weekly reminder of why those actions are not welcome in his life anymore. Pretending that these last two years never happened is not the answer.
And on a venting side note...due to bad weather last week his Phych appt has been delayed until next month. Sigh. I feel like something is working against me getting him to the doctor.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Back to the real world
My fears with leaving David were semi unfounded. He is working his butt off at work so he didn't have time to give in to a relapse. He has his compulsive side and it can work towards good sometimes.
I got stuck in Florida with the southeastern storm locking up all ways out. The trip was longer than expected and he still did good. The bad news is that we live somewhere in the southeast and his first Psychiatrist appointment had to be postponed due to bad weather. SOOOO he still hasn't gotten professional medical treatment.
My appointments were all messed up too but the one hiccup we had was that David missed his SAA appointment because he figured if he couldn't show that he went what was the point.
Sigh.
He did go this week and I had to establish the boundary that he is to go to every SAA meeting unless he is told by his doctor not to or has a meeting with a boss that he can prove with an email or voicemail.
He says going to SAA makes him feel bad but I think that is a good thing. You need to remember what could have been to appreciate where you are.
Like someone who has lost a ton of weight keeping an unflattering fat photo of themselves on the fridge. It doesn't take a lot to fall back into bad (and very established) habits.
He went to SAA this week. We are talking so much more than before.
I can honestly say I missed him. And he said the same and for once I feel I wasn't just getting lip service.
I got stuck in Florida with the southeastern storm locking up all ways out. The trip was longer than expected and he still did good. The bad news is that we live somewhere in the southeast and his first Psychiatrist appointment had to be postponed due to bad weather. SOOOO he still hasn't gotten professional medical treatment.
My appointments were all messed up too but the one hiccup we had was that David missed his SAA appointment because he figured if he couldn't show that he went what was the point.
Sigh.
He did go this week and I had to establish the boundary that he is to go to every SAA meeting unless he is told by his doctor not to or has a meeting with a boss that he can prove with an email or voicemail.
He says going to SAA makes him feel bad but I think that is a good thing. You need to remember what could have been to appreciate where you are.
Like someone who has lost a ton of weight keeping an unflattering fat photo of themselves on the fridge. It doesn't take a lot to fall back into bad (and very established) habits.
He went to SAA this week. We are talking so much more than before.
I can honestly say I missed him. And he said the same and for once I feel I wasn't just getting lip service.
Monday, January 3, 2011
First time away since the discovery...
This weekend I will be out of town for the first time since discovering David's secret life of chat rooms, video cams, sexting and porn addiction.
I will be very distracted on this trip so I think I will do ok not worrying about what he is up to every hour of the day. Also, all previous means that he used for his addictions are gone or password locked. He would have to borrow a computer or actually pay for porn services outside the home. Thank goodness he is cheap. I read about men that have spent entire life savings on hookers or even just pay webcams. The only thing David pays for is our DSL line. And now he can't even use that except on his monitored work computer.
I will be back on Tuesday and may have time to check in before I leave Wednesday night. Please say a prayer that we are ready for this big step. When David's addiction was in full swing, he would do the most activity when I was out of the home. When the cat's away....
Let's just hope this mouse will just mow the lawn and watch football.
I will be very distracted on this trip so I think I will do ok not worrying about what he is up to every hour of the day. Also, all previous means that he used for his addictions are gone or password locked. He would have to borrow a computer or actually pay for porn services outside the home. Thank goodness he is cheap. I read about men that have spent entire life savings on hookers or even just pay webcams. The only thing David pays for is our DSL line. And now he can't even use that except on his monitored work computer.
I will be back on Tuesday and may have time to check in before I leave Wednesday night. Please say a prayer that we are ready for this big step. When David's addiction was in full swing, he would do the most activity when I was out of the home. When the cat's away....
Let's just hope this mouse will just mow the lawn and watch football.
New Year...New Therapist
Still waiting for David to go to the Psychiatrist and I started going to a new Psychologist. I liked her and she was so calm and understanding so I was surprised when she said that I need to see her weekly.
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
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