When I am away from David for longer than a couple hours I have started asking how he dealt with that idle time. These where the times that he used porn the most in the past before I found out.
My computer is still locked with a secret password every time I leave but I still ask if he had urges or acted on them. Honestly I am not sure what I would do if he did act on them.
The first 6 weeks after my discover of his sex addiction he said he never had any urges and just thinking about how hurt I was made him never want to do that again.
The last couple times I have asked him he said that he did have urges but didn't act on them. He said it was the idle time that makes his mind go back to porn.
Realizing that this is not something that will just go away is hard. Knowing it is something we will probably have to work on and always work on is depressing. It is something that has made me a little sad today. Reality is hard. I think I need to make the next COSA online meeting to vent.
I used to be able to talk to the few friends who I told but I know they are tired hearing of my problems. I don't blame them. I am tired of having my problems.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sex addics diet!
Over the holidays I weighed myself because we don't have a scale in our house. Last year this time I weighed 139. This year same time I weigh 114.
I don't know if it is the stress or the medicine that makes me not want to eat. Even over the holidays when the food is the best and the snacks are amazing the only thing that really sounded good was Egg Nog. And that was a bad idea. Going from about 500 calories a day to Egg Nog is not recommended.
It seemed like I was getting hungry again and then yesterday it dropped again. If I have distractions from our troubles my desire to eat comes back a little. Now that we are back to our day to day lives my appetite is back to almost nothing.
Yesterday I had a leftover biscuit, one egg, one slice of american cheese, a glass of milk, and a cup of pasta and meat sauce. I worked on my feet for almost 10 hours and wasn't even hungry when I got home.
I fit into clothes that I wore in 1998.
I don't know if it is the stress or the medicine that makes me not want to eat. Even over the holidays when the food is the best and the snacks are amazing the only thing that really sounded good was Egg Nog. And that was a bad idea. Going from about 500 calories a day to Egg Nog is not recommended.
It seemed like I was getting hungry again and then yesterday it dropped again. If I have distractions from our troubles my desire to eat comes back a little. Now that we are back to our day to day lives my appetite is back to almost nothing.
Yesterday I had a leftover biscuit, one egg, one slice of american cheese, a glass of milk, and a cup of pasta and meat sauce. I worked on my feet for almost 10 hours and wasn't even hungry when I got home.
I fit into clothes that I wore in 1998.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas
Just want to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas. Home with my family for a little bit then back to our house for David's family to join us for a little bit. Things have been better but I notice that we both seem to do better when we are busy.
Take care and keep warm everyone!
Take care and keep warm everyone!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Fight II
David controls the money right now because he makes most of it...if not all of it. I have asked for a credit card before or debit card so if I get stuck without money I could be ok. Yesterday was one of those days I needed emergency money. I got dinged with a fee from my bank I was not expecting and had a 2 dollar balance in my account. Just got done paying bills and usually leaves me really tight.
I went to go get a checkbook from his office and they were gone. Called David at work and LONG story short he had all the checkbooks and cc's so he could "keep account" of everything. Now part of addiction is control issues. He can't control the porn anymore so he is becoming obsessed with our money. Now keep in mind I made ALL the money for the last two years and never micromanaged money David needed.
I got hysterical. I had no way to get gas to get to work and he didn't trust ME enough to leave items in the house. We keep separate accounts so David doesn't even know that I don't spend money I don't have. Most items are food, gas, bills, and this time of year gifts for others.
He finally told me (after suggesting I use the lawnmower gas in a gas can in the garage) that there was a credit card in his drawer. It was so hidden within things that it took me 10 minutes to find it. Let's just say that drawer looked a little crazy when I left it.
This has been a slow build fight. I still feel like I am trying harder than him and need him to prove more to me. I have been "faking it till we make it" a little to much. I also feel he has been looking out just for himself recently and not thinking about us at all.
We both built up a lot of cc debt saving cash to buy our house. Cash is king right now. So when my husband got a little extra money he paid off HIS two credit cards without consulting me and without thought to my debt. Yes mine are lower rates but it was still a decision that should have been made by both of us. He also has been making thoughtless and mean comments like "You're only staying because you like having the money and the house." Dick.
So with all these little things building inside me...I got home and told David since he doesn't trust me with money he can have all access to my accounts and his job is to now pay all my bills and manage all my money. I will tell him when I need money and he will make it available.
Of course this extra work on his part did not sound good to David. He wanted control but not to have to do all the work. When I realized this I realized that I wanted out. Now. I am working on getting a full time job and told David the one that I am in the second interview stage is the last thing I will wait on. Once I have it or not I am moving out.
If I get the job I will stay in Charlotte and get an apartment or find a roommate. If not I will move home with my family. Either way he can work on fixing himself because it seems like the only reason he is doing anything is because I am forcing him to do it. If he doesn't want to get better on his own he won't and even though it has only been 6 weeks I can't think about a life like this any longer.
Once I decided to move out I felt so much better because for the first time I realized that I do have the strength to leave if and when I need to. It is no longer an empty threat. It is something I CAN do.
After this point I felt a lot better and told David no matter what we will get through the holidays and then deal with the separation. In our state you have to be separated for a year before you can get a divorce. I told him that I will only use all the info I have on him to have him pay for my moving fees, lawyer fees and to help me out until I get a full time job. At this point leaving with a lot of debt was better than staying and losing my sanity.
I was done talking and proceeded to clean the house. He joined me in silence and then I started to decorate the tree by myself just like I had for the last 5 years with David. He told me that he would work on becoming more involved in Christmas but this year was like every other year and he didn't do anything.
At one point in our fight I asked him to name one thing that he did for me that was nice that was done without me asking and without that thing benefiting him as well. A sweet gift? Flowers? Bring home a DVD as a surprise? A card? He couldn't name one thing in the last two years.
The money issue was just the straw that broke the back.
I could tell I was freaking David out. He told me that I was acting like a stranger and he didn't understand me at all. Well I know how that feels.
David has been so selfish for the last 2 years that for him to do these recent selfish things freaked me out.
What if he never changes? What if he is only trying until I let him off the hook and then he stays the same? I am not getting any younger and if I do want kids in the next year I have to decide to stay or leave.
I know you can drive yourself crazy with the what if's in life. It took 5 hours of talking but we came to a ceasefire. Yesterday was a very bad day. We are acting like two individuals living in one house not a couple and we never really have. David has made asking for money so hard for me that I am paying bills late because I wait until the last second to ask for money. He is making me feel guilty for not having a job but he is the one that has moved us twice in the last 2 years. This is a hard market. It takes time and effort. I have been in Real Estate since 2003 and there really is no market in our new city.
He agreed that he needs to do more and talk to me more about how HE wants to get better not just appease me.
Our relationship has been very hard for the last two+ years but I always thought once we were where we are now we would get better and could start a family. The reality of the situation has finally sunk in and I am out of the denial phase of mourning my previous life and I know I am in the ANGER phase. Rage even.
No medication could even out this anger that is in me now unless it put me in a coma.
One day at a time. But now I know I can leave David and know I am doing what is right. And for once I think David know that I will leave him if he doesn't make everything right.
I went to go get a checkbook from his office and they were gone. Called David at work and LONG story short he had all the checkbooks and cc's so he could "keep account" of everything. Now part of addiction is control issues. He can't control the porn anymore so he is becoming obsessed with our money. Now keep in mind I made ALL the money for the last two years and never micromanaged money David needed.
I got hysterical. I had no way to get gas to get to work and he didn't trust ME enough to leave items in the house. We keep separate accounts so David doesn't even know that I don't spend money I don't have. Most items are food, gas, bills, and this time of year gifts for others.
He finally told me (after suggesting I use the lawnmower gas in a gas can in the garage) that there was a credit card in his drawer. It was so hidden within things that it took me 10 minutes to find it. Let's just say that drawer looked a little crazy when I left it.
This has been a slow build fight. I still feel like I am trying harder than him and need him to prove more to me. I have been "faking it till we make it" a little to much. I also feel he has been looking out just for himself recently and not thinking about us at all.
We both built up a lot of cc debt saving cash to buy our house. Cash is king right now. So when my husband got a little extra money he paid off HIS two credit cards without consulting me and without thought to my debt. Yes mine are lower rates but it was still a decision that should have been made by both of us. He also has been making thoughtless and mean comments like "You're only staying because you like having the money and the house." Dick.
So with all these little things building inside me...I got home and told David since he doesn't trust me with money he can have all access to my accounts and his job is to now pay all my bills and manage all my money. I will tell him when I need money and he will make it available.
Of course this extra work on his part did not sound good to David. He wanted control but not to have to do all the work. When I realized this I realized that I wanted out. Now. I am working on getting a full time job and told David the one that I am in the second interview stage is the last thing I will wait on. Once I have it or not I am moving out.
If I get the job I will stay in Charlotte and get an apartment or find a roommate. If not I will move home with my family. Either way he can work on fixing himself because it seems like the only reason he is doing anything is because I am forcing him to do it. If he doesn't want to get better on his own he won't and even though it has only been 6 weeks I can't think about a life like this any longer.
Once I decided to move out I felt so much better because for the first time I realized that I do have the strength to leave if and when I need to. It is no longer an empty threat. It is something I CAN do.
After this point I felt a lot better and told David no matter what we will get through the holidays and then deal with the separation. In our state you have to be separated for a year before you can get a divorce. I told him that I will only use all the info I have on him to have him pay for my moving fees, lawyer fees and to help me out until I get a full time job. At this point leaving with a lot of debt was better than staying and losing my sanity.
I was done talking and proceeded to clean the house. He joined me in silence and then I started to decorate the tree by myself just like I had for the last 5 years with David. He told me that he would work on becoming more involved in Christmas but this year was like every other year and he didn't do anything.
At one point in our fight I asked him to name one thing that he did for me that was nice that was done without me asking and without that thing benefiting him as well. A sweet gift? Flowers? Bring home a DVD as a surprise? A card? He couldn't name one thing in the last two years.
The money issue was just the straw that broke the back.
I could tell I was freaking David out. He told me that I was acting like a stranger and he didn't understand me at all. Well I know how that feels.
David has been so selfish for the last 2 years that for him to do these recent selfish things freaked me out.
What if he never changes? What if he is only trying until I let him off the hook and then he stays the same? I am not getting any younger and if I do want kids in the next year I have to decide to stay or leave.
I know you can drive yourself crazy with the what if's in life. It took 5 hours of talking but we came to a ceasefire. Yesterday was a very bad day. We are acting like two individuals living in one house not a couple and we never really have. David has made asking for money so hard for me that I am paying bills late because I wait until the last second to ask for money. He is making me feel guilty for not having a job but he is the one that has moved us twice in the last 2 years. This is a hard market. It takes time and effort. I have been in Real Estate since 2003 and there really is no market in our new city.
He agreed that he needs to do more and talk to me more about how HE wants to get better not just appease me.
Our relationship has been very hard for the last two+ years but I always thought once we were where we are now we would get better and could start a family. The reality of the situation has finally sunk in and I am out of the denial phase of mourning my previous life and I know I am in the ANGER phase. Rage even.
No medication could even out this anger that is in me now unless it put me in a coma.
One day at a time. But now I know I can leave David and know I am doing what is right. And for once I think David know that I will leave him if he doesn't make everything right.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Devil on my shoulder.
This weekend I was very spiteful. Not sure if it was lack of sleep or just stress or that David and I are finally getting a little more comfortable around each other. I tell tell his stress levels are dropping and mine are leveling off a bit. BUT the devil is looking at every negative thing and wanting to make hurtful comments at every turn.
And David makes it easy. I do believe he lacks empathy more than most people so that when he talks he doesn't even think about how his words will sound to the other person. Also a sign of his narcissism.
We were talking about my possible second interview for a sales job. I have submitted more paperwork and am waiting for them to contact me once references are checked. David said he can't wait for me to get a job because then we will be able to put some money in the bank and be in really good financial shape.
Up pops the devil on my shoulder.
The devil makes me say "Well you know the main reason I am looking for a job is so that if I decide to leave you I will have my own money before I take you to court and get spousal support."
Did anything good come from that conversation? No. Did I feel better after it? No.
Another time this weekend I asked him a little more about his chat room behavior. He at this point did not know I was able to decode a good portion of his Yahoo chats and copy them to my personal email account.
Devil, "So when you were chatting with these girls did you ask for their phone number or did they ask for yours?"
David, "I never initiated calling these girls...I learned quickly that once you gave out your phone number they would text you all hours of the day and night."
Devil, "Really because when I found some old chat logs on your computer it seems like you would ask them for their number so they could hear you cum."
Then the devil proceeds to look up this chat log and read it to David:
And David makes it easy. I do believe he lacks empathy more than most people so that when he talks he doesn't even think about how his words will sound to the other person. Also a sign of his narcissism.
We were talking about my possible second interview for a sales job. I have submitted more paperwork and am waiting for them to contact me once references are checked. David said he can't wait for me to get a job because then we will be able to put some money in the bank and be in really good financial shape.
Up pops the devil on my shoulder.
The devil makes me say "Well you know the main reason I am looking for a job is so that if I decide to leave you I will have my own money before I take you to court and get spousal support."
Did anything good come from that conversation? No. Did I feel better after it? No.
Another time this weekend I asked him a little more about his chat room behavior. He at this point did not know I was able to decode a good portion of his Yahoo chats and copy them to my personal email account.
Devil, "So when you were chatting with these girls did you ask for their phone number or did they ask for yours?"
David, "I never initiated calling these girls...I learned quickly that once you gave out your phone number they would text you all hours of the day and night."
Devil, "Really because when I found some old chat logs on your computer it seems like you would ask them for their number so they could hear you cum."
Then the devil proceeds to look up this chat log and read it to David:
David (18:40:52): can i call ur celly real aquick and we can cum together?
David (18:41:00): i'll moan for u
anda (18:41:06): that felt amazing
anda (18:41:08): wow
David (18:41:23): wanna hear me cum?
anda (18:42:13): i dont like to give out my number babe but you can record it and email it to me if you wanna be extra nice
David (18:42:23): lol
David (18:42:31): yea too many weirdos here
So did showing David that I had even more details about his problem and proof that he was lying to me make me feel any better? Nope. It did make him feel worse.
Saddest thing is he hoped that I was not sitting at home all day digging over the computer and not getting anything else done. Really? He asked me that? Because he hasn't gone two days without eating before because he was so wired up to porn to notice that he was hungry? Hmmmm...he must live in the most beautiful glass house.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Baby Steps
David and I talked through our fight last night. He has a way where he doesn't apologize but acts really nice and almost childlike to get me to warm back up to him. Didn't quite work this time and I waited until I heard the full "I'm sorry."
Some things discussed-
*he needs to reaffirm to me that he is serious about recovery.
*If I ask him to not sleep in our bed he needs to respect it.
*He needs to give me 5 non sexual hugs a day (hugs not going anywhere).
*He needs to set up his voicemail on his work phone so if I am mad I can call and leave a message rather then it going through his companies email.
*I need to remember that we can't fix everything in a month and we are making progress
*I should help give David small goals that he feels are attainable (go to the SAA meeting and church) rather then expect him to manage everything. He has a problem and needs help and support too
*He needs to NEVER say "You need to calm down" or any variant ever again. EVER.
*I need to remember that due to his childhood he has very negative ideas of psychiatry. Agreeing to go is a big step.
I know he was at fault but I am seeing glimmers of the man he was when we met and first married. When he would share everything with me. This addiction caused secrets and guilt and resentment for years. I can look back now and see the signs and symptoms but without the truth that we are working on there was nothing I could do to help him.
Before all these horrible secrets came out I would not look forward to seeing him. He was always grouchy and sensitive about everything. Now I feel we are both happy to see each other.
Strange...even though I know he did horrible things...I see more of the good person that he is now. Strange.
Some things discussed-
*he needs to reaffirm to me that he is serious about recovery.
*If I ask him to not sleep in our bed he needs to respect it.
*He needs to give me 5 non sexual hugs a day (hugs not going anywhere).
*He needs to set up his voicemail on his work phone so if I am mad I can call and leave a message rather then it going through his companies email.
*I need to remember that we can't fix everything in a month and we are making progress
*I should help give David small goals that he feels are attainable (go to the SAA meeting and church) rather then expect him to manage everything. He has a problem and needs help and support too
*He needs to NEVER say "You need to calm down" or any variant ever again. EVER.
*I need to remember that due to his childhood he has very negative ideas of psychiatry. Agreeing to go is a big step.
I know he was at fault but I am seeing glimmers of the man he was when we met and first married. When he would share everything with me. This addiction caused secrets and guilt and resentment for years. I can look back now and see the signs and symptoms but without the truth that we are working on there was nothing I could do to help him.
Before all these horrible secrets came out I would not look forward to seeing him. He was always grouchy and sensitive about everything. Now I feel we are both happy to see each other.
Strange...even though I know he did horrible things...I see more of the good person that he is now. Strange.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Fight
We got in a big fight last night. After or nice heated email exchange he called and the first words out of his mouth were "You need to calm down."
David has lost the right to tell me to calm down.
He explained that he just didn't read the emails well enough and had he noticed that I wanted him to go to the phych appt over the derm appointment he would have.
Then he said if I am upset I need to send an email and he will step out of the office and call me. That work email is no place to bicker back and forth since they monitor his email because he works with confidential company info.
I told him that if it is because of his actions that we really have no other way to talk during the day. Due to being a SA he has no personal phone, he has no texting, he can't access his email at work or on his phone anymore, and his work phone doesn't even have the voicemail set up yet. His actions have caused me to use his work email as the only place I can talk to him.
The day I found out about his problem I sent him a text that we need to talk ASAP. 4 hours later I sent another asking if he had gotten the last text. So sometimes when it is not convenient to him or he doesn't want to deal with it he won't just step out and call me.
We are still not talking. I can honestly say I hate him right now.
David has lost the right to tell me to calm down.
He explained that he just didn't read the emails well enough and had he noticed that I wanted him to go to the phych appt over the derm appointment he would have.
Then he said if I am upset I need to send an email and he will step out of the office and call me. That work email is no place to bicker back and forth since they monitor his email because he works with confidential company info.
I told him that if it is because of his actions that we really have no other way to talk during the day. Due to being a SA he has no personal phone, he has no texting, he can't access his email at work or on his phone anymore, and his work phone doesn't even have the voicemail set up yet. His actions have caused me to use his work email as the only place I can talk to him.
The day I found out about his problem I sent him a text that we need to talk ASAP. 4 hours later I sent another asking if he had gotten the last text. So sometimes when it is not convenient to him or he doesn't want to deal with it he won't just step out and call me.
We are still not talking. I can honestly say I hate him right now.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
F*ing pissed off.
Just want to document what a fucking idiot my husband is.
Here is our last email conversation.
From Me
To Him
Subject: today
To Me
Subject: RE: today
He is a fucking idiot. And maybe so am I for staying with him.
Here is our last email conversation.
From Me
To Him
Subject: today
had my appt with the doctor today. It went well. He suggested that you see one of his colleagues. There was a cancellation this week on Thursday at 1pm. The next one would be in January. I know you have the derm tomorrow but I would rather you postpone the derm than this doctor if you have to pick one.
Really liked the practice. it is only 5 miles away from your office...down 7th street going east.
let me know if you can't do thrusday and I will reschedule you.
From Him
To Me
Subject: RE: today
From Him sorry just now getting to this, been slammed all day and I think I have a cold now. I'd rather keep the Derm apt.....kind of need that more than anything right now.
thx
From Me
To Him
Subject: Re: today
could you do both?
To Me
Subject: RE: today
no, i don't think so.....this week is just really bad. what time is my derm apt set for?
From Me
To Him
Subject: Re: today
Your derm is tomorrow at noon with Dr. Derm at Derm Location. number 555-555-5555 with questions.
Just know I am very disappointed that you chose your derm over the other appointment. I feel very alone right now and that I am the only one working on this.
I found you the weekend group.
I am finding the new churches.
I found this new doctor
I scheduled my appointment
I schedule all your appointments
I reschedule all your appointments
This is not my job anymore. This is the last time I do this for you. I have you scheduled for January 10th at noon. That was the next earliest appointment. Remember it took me 6 weeks to get into my doctor.
I don't feel like you are taking this seriously and am very upset about this right now.
He is a fucking idiot. And maybe so am I for staying with him.
My day in the chair...
Saw my new psychiatrist. I guess new is not the word...never had one before. Saw my first psychiatrist today. Went well. Didn't cry as much as I did when I saw the therapist a couple weeks ago.
I like that he wants to get David into a doctor to deal with his anxiety and SA problems and that it won't be him due to a that being a conflict of interest.
I like that he helped make the session about my healing and then get him help on his own.
I like that he told me it was ok to be un-trusting and snoopy and that will take time to get over.
I like that he made me feel less alone. He said David's problem is becoming more and more common.
I like that from the little he heard about David he agrees that he probably has an anxiety disorder and we are taking the right steps towards getting better.
I like that he didn't assume we will "make it through this".
I also have night terrors (if you don't know what those are in comparison to nightmares go here. I also sleepwalk. I also have a habit of falling asleep in repetitive tasks. So aside from my depression I was a smorgasbord for this doctor.
He said he had never seen an adult with night terrors. My dad also sufferers from them so I figured it was common. From what I have read only about 5% of adults suffer from night terrors. My husband used to use this condition as a way to sleep in other bedroom and avoid time with me at night.
He also gave me the name of a local certified sexual addictions therapist. This one is not on my insurance plan so I am terrified how much it will cost. But maybe if we put a price on healing David will see value in it and invest more in it.
My brain hurts. Have a phone interview today. Gonna zone out for a while before the call.
I like that he wants to get David into a doctor to deal with his anxiety and SA problems and that it won't be him due to a that being a conflict of interest.
I like that he helped make the session about my healing and then get him help on his own.
I like that he told me it was ok to be un-trusting and snoopy and that will take time to get over.
I like that he made me feel less alone. He said David's problem is becoming more and more common.
I like that from the little he heard about David he agrees that he probably has an anxiety disorder and we are taking the right steps towards getting better.
I like that he didn't assume we will "make it through this".
I also have night terrors (if you don't know what those are in comparison to nightmares go here. I also sleepwalk. I also have a habit of falling asleep in repetitive tasks. So aside from my depression I was a smorgasbord for this doctor.
He said he had never seen an adult with night terrors. My dad also sufferers from them so I figured it was common. From what I have read only about 5% of adults suffer from night terrors. My husband used to use this condition as a way to sleep in other bedroom and avoid time with me at night.
He also gave me the name of a local certified sexual addictions therapist. This one is not on my insurance plan so I am terrified how much it will cost. But maybe if we put a price on healing David will see value in it and invest more in it.
My brain hurts. Have a phone interview today. Gonna zone out for a while before the call.
A little about me.
I was looking over this blog and realized that I hadn't really put any information about myself. Maybe I mentioned my age in there but not much else. The best way to describe me is someone who has never met a stranger. I love people and meeting new people and keeping a good support of friends. I grew up all over due to being a military brat and we eventually settled in a major city in the south. I attended a southern university known for big football and was in a sorority (I was the spirit chairwoman - shocking ;). I consider myself of high intelligence and can usually figure anything out on my own. Except I am a horrible speller and hated Geometry! I love to read and my favorite book of all time is Lolita. If you haven't read it go...it takes a talented man to make a horrible thing sound so beautiful! It is also about addiction so I do see the irony.
I enjoy theatre, movies, tennis, horseback riding, reading, wine, jogging (sometimes!) and LOVE to travel. If I had all the money in the world I would get on a cruise ship and see everything I could.
I am petite but not under 5'. I used to weigh about 125lbs but since this event I am down to about 115. I had blond hair but since the even I dyed it brown. It was either that or cut it short. I have a tendency to change my hair when stressed or sad. When people describe me they say I am "cute". If you have ever seen the 90's show "Sabrina the Teen age Witch" I look a lot like Melissa Joan Hart. One guy at a gas station was convinced I was her and told me he watched the show all the time with his daughters!!
I have big cheeks, great teeth and a face that always gets people talking to me whether I want them to or not. I was a late bloomer and didn't really become what I consider pretty until about my junior year in high school. There was a really bad period of bad bangs and spiral perms. Also I look very young for my age so that doesn't help when everyone wants to act older. I got carded for an R rated movie when I was 25. I am now in my mid 30's and consider myself attractive. I think I am telling all this because I want people to realize that any husband can become addicted to porn and sex. Even those married to a very nice, pretty, intelligent woman.
I can honestly say to myself that David's problem didn't come from me "letting myself go". It came from us not communicating and drifting apart.
Ok off to shower for the shrinks visit. Wish me luck
I enjoy theatre, movies, tennis, horseback riding, reading, wine, jogging (sometimes!) and LOVE to travel. If I had all the money in the world I would get on a cruise ship and see everything I could.
I am petite but not under 5'. I used to weigh about 125lbs but since this event I am down to about 115. I had blond hair but since the even I dyed it brown. It was either that or cut it short. I have a tendency to change my hair when stressed or sad. When people describe me they say I am "cute". If you have ever seen the 90's show "Sabrina the Teen age Witch" I look a lot like Melissa Joan Hart. One guy at a gas station was convinced I was her and told me he watched the show all the time with his daughters!!
I have big cheeks, great teeth and a face that always gets people talking to me whether I want them to or not. I was a late bloomer and didn't really become what I consider pretty until about my junior year in high school. There was a really bad period of bad bangs and spiral perms. Also I look very young for my age so that doesn't help when everyone wants to act older. I got carded for an R rated movie when I was 25. I am now in my mid 30's and consider myself attractive. I think I am telling all this because I want people to realize that any husband can become addicted to porn and sex. Even those married to a very nice, pretty, intelligent woman.
I can honestly say to myself that David's problem didn't come from me "letting myself go". It came from us not communicating and drifting apart.
Ok off to shower for the shrinks visit. Wish me luck
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tomorrow...
Is my first ever psychiatrist visit. I had been put on Prozac before due to bad PMS but that was through my family practitioner. Will let you know how it goes.
Day lost hacking into husband's emails
Went OCD on the computer again today. Hacked into my husbands Yahoo accounts (there may be a secret one I don't know about) and then was able to get more email communications for my "just in case" file and also have changed his login for his two aim.com emails that he used the most for his porn addiction.
Also to into one of his gmail accounts I had to change his password. I feel bad that I went into his main email but since trust has been shattered he should be doing everything in his power to stay on the straight and narrow. I feel I should be able to ask him to show me every email he has at any time I want. He did go to his old aim.com account and delete everything. Part of why I forwarded everything to my own email account that he doesn't have access to.
All this research is to protect me. My sister had a horrible divorce about 15 years ago-her husband "Michael" had an affair with the married neighbor and during counseling he finally admitted to it but swore that was the only one. The counselor said to get through this and be able to stay together Michael needed to tell his parents the truth about their problems. On the drive to his parents, Michael pulled over the car and told my sister he couldn't do it. They returned home and she filed papers the next day. Since my sister had no true proof of the affair, Michael was able to lie under oath and not pay for her legal bills or pay spousal support.
Even that first morning when I found out about this double life that David was living, I was forwarding all of these horrible emails to my account while trying to see through tears. I have done research and what he has done and what I have proof of does not count as infidelity or adultery in my state. But with the HUNDREDS of emails, HOURS of online chatting and DOZENS of naked photos I think I would have a good case for neglect or at least that my husband is an idiot.
Also to into one of his gmail accounts I had to change his password. I feel bad that I went into his main email but since trust has been shattered he should be doing everything in his power to stay on the straight and narrow. I feel I should be able to ask him to show me every email he has at any time I want. He did go to his old aim.com account and delete everything. Part of why I forwarded everything to my own email account that he doesn't have access to.
All this research is to protect me. My sister had a horrible divorce about 15 years ago-her husband "Michael" had an affair with the married neighbor and during counseling he finally admitted to it but swore that was the only one. The counselor said to get through this and be able to stay together Michael needed to tell his parents the truth about their problems. On the drive to his parents, Michael pulled over the car and told my sister he couldn't do it. They returned home and she filed papers the next day. Since my sister had no true proof of the affair, Michael was able to lie under oath and not pay for her legal bills or pay spousal support.
Even that first morning when I found out about this double life that David was living, I was forwarding all of these horrible emails to my account while trying to see through tears. I have done research and what he has done and what I have proof of does not count as infidelity or adultery in my state. But with the HUNDREDS of emails, HOURS of online chatting and DOZENS of naked photos I think I would have a good case for neglect or at least that my husband is an idiot.
Went OCD tonight.
I have read about being co dependent...blah blah blah. Tonight I went crazy nuts to find anything on David's computer from his porn addiction. Found more photos (none since he was discovered) and found archives of his yahoo chats.
I am a bit of a computer nerd and was able to get them all decoded and read all of them. I also emailed a copy of all of them to myself in case we don't make it through this. Between the text messages, the emails, the photos, the registrations on social sites and now true conversations with 18 year olds I think I have a good case for spousal support if I choose to leave or he does something worse.
Some of the chat room messages were worse than I thought. He had told me that usually the girls called him and he never initiated calling but in the more recent texts I can see how he had to start escalating the excitement to get off. He started asking for cams, more pics and if they could call so they could hear each other climax.
Not sure if seeing all of these has made me feel better (no new items on the computer) or worse. Either way I needed to do it at least once just to cleanse this computer. It is mine now and it finally feels like mine. All of the porn and dirt are in one folder and double saved on email but not hiding waiting to jump out at me one day.
The strangest thing is most of the chats where so silly. I will give you one example:
urfriend: so what are you doing teenspot
d: havent been on in a while
d: just logged in for a min to get tired
d: lol
d: what about u?
urfriend: trying to meet a local guy
d: cool cool
d: nothing wrong with that
urfriend: yeah, just looking for a nice guy to get to know, get me out of the house lol
urfriend: dating
d: yea
d: staying in sucks after a while
urfriend: yeah
urfriend: sooo
urfriend: ummm
urfriend: what do you want to talk about
d: hmmmm
d: whatever you want
d: cool with me
urfriend: lol
d: dating, sex, sports, school
d: lol
urfriend: um
urfriend: hm
d: hahaha
urfriend: idk
urfriend: dating
d: cool
Really...even the graphic stuff is repetitive. I guess I feel better because from the chats I saw it was obvious that he wasn't trying to physically meet any of the women or establish any real relationships. But was any of it worth possibly destroying your marriage? Time for bed. Some days I just feel like he is an idiot.
By the way if anyone wants to decode .dat files you find on your computer from Yahoo Messenger all you have to do is go to http://www.archive-decoder.com/ and upload your dat file. It is free and gives you date and time stamps. If anyone needs help on how to find these on a shared computer just let me know. Sometimes being a computer nerd helps.
I am a bit of a computer nerd and was able to get them all decoded and read all of them. I also emailed a copy of all of them to myself in case we don't make it through this. Between the text messages, the emails, the photos, the registrations on social sites and now true conversations with 18 year olds I think I have a good case for spousal support if I choose to leave or he does something worse.
Some of the chat room messages were worse than I thought. He had told me that usually the girls called him and he never initiated calling but in the more recent texts I can see how he had to start escalating the excitement to get off. He started asking for cams, more pics and if they could call so they could hear each other climax.
Not sure if seeing all of these has made me feel better (no new items on the computer) or worse. Either way I needed to do it at least once just to cleanse this computer. It is mine now and it finally feels like mine. All of the porn and dirt are in one folder and double saved on email but not hiding waiting to jump out at me one day.
The strangest thing is most of the chats where so silly. I will give you one example:
urfriend: so what are you doing teenspot
d: havent been on in a while
d: just logged in for a min to get tired
d: lol
d: what about u?
urfriend: trying to meet a local guy
d: cool cool
d: nothing wrong with that
urfriend: yeah, just looking for a nice guy to get to know, get me out of the house lol
urfriend: dating
d: yea
d: staying in sucks after a while
urfriend: yeah
urfriend: sooo
urfriend: ummm
urfriend: what do you want to talk about
d: hmmmm
d: whatever you want
d: cool with me
urfriend: lol
d: dating, sex, sports, school
d: lol
urfriend: um
urfriend: hm
d: hahaha
urfriend: idk
urfriend: dating
d: cool
Really...even the graphic stuff is repetitive. I guess I feel better because from the chats I saw it was obvious that he wasn't trying to physically meet any of the women or establish any real relationships. But was any of it worth possibly destroying your marriage? Time for bed. Some days I just feel like he is an idiot.
By the way if anyone wants to decode .dat files you find on your computer from Yahoo Messenger all you have to do is go to http://www.archive-decoder.com/ and upload your dat file. It is free and gives you date and time stamps. If anyone needs help on how to find these on a shared computer just let me know. Sometimes being a computer nerd helps.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
FINALLY!
David has agreed 100% that he needs to see a psychiatrist and get on something for his anxiety and stress management. I am going to see the doctor for the first time on Tuesday and make sure he can keep the SA aspect of the problem truly confidential. Doctors in the mental health division have to report a general reason for the visit. If David has it listed as an addiction (any type) and it somehow gets back to his company his job would be in jeopardy. And whether we stay together or split up the last thing we need is David to be unemployed.
His current doctor lists his problem as stress management and I am seeing her under his name so that it is easier to file. I know everything medical is supposed to be 100% confidential but companies are also not supposed to hire or fire based on age and it happens all the time. In this economy all it would take is saying there are cut backs and David's job has been eliminated. Just another delightful thing to worry about in our daily lives.
Back to the good news! I am so happy that his is seeking more serious treatment than just a counselor. I like his counselor a lot but David has even said that he thinks she had done all that she can. She also has recommended that his needs to get on some type of medication for anxiety and stress. He agreed. She is also not the kind of doctor that likes to medicate. When I mentioned I had to go on Effexor for the depression with this situation she expressed sadness that I felt I had to medicate myself to deal with the problem.
For him to agree on his own is a big step. David's mother has been on heavy medication most of his life due to manic depression that was aggravated by a family tragedy in the early 80's. It is severe and has led to her being in and out of hospitals, suicide attempts and having to go on disability in her 40's when she could no longer work in the medical field. David has always seen his mother's attempts with different medications as a crazy and unstable time in his life. He doesn't even like to take Tylenol if he has a slight headache.
This is a big step and I am so glad that I am seeing progress.
His current doctor lists his problem as stress management and I am seeing her under his name so that it is easier to file. I know everything medical is supposed to be 100% confidential but companies are also not supposed to hire or fire based on age and it happens all the time. In this economy all it would take is saying there are cut backs and David's job has been eliminated. Just another delightful thing to worry about in our daily lives.
Back to the good news! I am so happy that his is seeking more serious treatment than just a counselor. I like his counselor a lot but David has even said that he thinks she had done all that she can. She also has recommended that his needs to get on some type of medication for anxiety and stress. He agreed. She is also not the kind of doctor that likes to medicate. When I mentioned I had to go on Effexor for the depression with this situation she expressed sadness that I felt I had to medicate myself to deal with the problem.
For him to agree on his own is a big step. David's mother has been on heavy medication most of his life due to manic depression that was aggravated by a family tragedy in the early 80's. It is severe and has led to her being in and out of hospitals, suicide attempts and having to go on disability in her 40's when she could no longer work in the medical field. David has always seen his mother's attempts with different medications as a crazy and unstable time in his life. He doesn't even like to take Tylenol if he has a slight headache.
This is a big step and I am so glad that I am seeing progress.
Hindsight 20/20 (II)
I had touched on some of the things that I look back and now see a signs of an addiction but at the time just seemed like quirks rather than problems. Some other items that I recall are:
1. David jokingly saying "Ha! I think I am a sex addict!" He asked what a sex addict was one day and I gave him the definition as someone whos thoughts or acts of sex start affecting his life in a negative way. He didn't bring it up again. I assumed that confirmed that he wasn't a sex addict. Instead it confirmed in his mind that he was. But David was not ready to deal with it.
2. After years of having sex with David he started asking for unusual things that he had never had an interest in before. Really sexy lingerie. Shaving areas completely clean (you know where). When I said that not all women do that he argued that they did. I excused this as him just seeing girls in porn and assuming all "normal" women do this. I had no idea he was exchanging graphic photographs of women and their shaved areas on a regular basis. So his logic had gone from "that's what Porn stars do" to "that's what all women do". He never connected that all women aren't in chat rooms sending naked pictures of themselves. Such is the mind of an addict. Logic does not exist.
3. Sex started lasting longer and longer. Not the foreplay (that got shorter) but the act of sex itself. After a girls trip I realized that all my friends husbands last about 10-15 minutes of true sex. David was lasting 45 minutes. It usually took multiple positions and scenarios for him to climax. I would even do things that I didn't feel comfortable with (talk dirty, moan louder) just to have him finish.
4. I am in my mid 30's. Not old but past the age that I can wear things that undergrad girls can get away with. I noticed that he wanted to take me shopping and buy me the things he saw younger girls wear. Jean shorts, skinny jeans, uggs, super high heals, over the knee boots. I took it as him just wanting me to imitate what he saw but after the discovery of his online habits I realized it was not just what he saw at school it was also what he saw online. He had a habit of texting and chatting with undergrad girls-he told me 18 to 20 was his target. He saw all these girls wearing these clothes that were sexy and trendy...why didn't his 30 something wife?
5. After sex we used to always shower together if we had time. The last 8 months before finding out about his addiction this rarely happened. Either he would time sex so that we didn't have time to shower or he would just quickly rinse off by himself and head to his bed (he was sleeping in another room at this time). Just and example of how sex had gone from being a time to be together to sex being a way for him to delay his addiction. He has told me since the discovery that he hoped that if we had sex it would keep him from going online and taking over his day.
I am sure more things will come to light as we work though this hard time. And I know that there was no way that I could look at all these things and say "I know my husband is a Sex Addict" but it does help me put it down on cyber paper.
1. David jokingly saying "Ha! I think I am a sex addict!" He asked what a sex addict was one day and I gave him the definition as someone whos thoughts or acts of sex start affecting his life in a negative way. He didn't bring it up again. I assumed that confirmed that he wasn't a sex addict. Instead it confirmed in his mind that he was. But David was not ready to deal with it.
2. After years of having sex with David he started asking for unusual things that he had never had an interest in before. Really sexy lingerie. Shaving areas completely clean (you know where). When I said that not all women do that he argued that they did. I excused this as him just seeing girls in porn and assuming all "normal" women do this. I had no idea he was exchanging graphic photographs of women and their shaved areas on a regular basis. So his logic had gone from "that's what Porn stars do" to "that's what all women do". He never connected that all women aren't in chat rooms sending naked pictures of themselves. Such is the mind of an addict. Logic does not exist.
3. Sex started lasting longer and longer. Not the foreplay (that got shorter) but the act of sex itself. After a girls trip I realized that all my friends husbands last about 10-15 minutes of true sex. David was lasting 45 minutes. It usually took multiple positions and scenarios for him to climax. I would even do things that I didn't feel comfortable with (talk dirty, moan louder) just to have him finish.
4. I am in my mid 30's. Not old but past the age that I can wear things that undergrad girls can get away with. I noticed that he wanted to take me shopping and buy me the things he saw younger girls wear. Jean shorts, skinny jeans, uggs, super high heals, over the knee boots. I took it as him just wanting me to imitate what he saw but after the discovery of his online habits I realized it was not just what he saw at school it was also what he saw online. He had a habit of texting and chatting with undergrad girls-he told me 18 to 20 was his target. He saw all these girls wearing these clothes that were sexy and trendy...why didn't his 30 something wife?
5. After sex we used to always shower together if we had time. The last 8 months before finding out about his addiction this rarely happened. Either he would time sex so that we didn't have time to shower or he would just quickly rinse off by himself and head to his bed (he was sleeping in another room at this time). Just and example of how sex had gone from being a time to be together to sex being a way for him to delay his addiction. He has told me since the discovery that he hoped that if we had sex it would keep him from going online and taking over his day.
I am sure more things will come to light as we work though this hard time. And I know that there was no way that I could look at all these things and say "I know my husband is a Sex Addict" but it does help me put it down on cyber paper.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Ameture Phychologist
Since I have known my husband I have always thought he had anxiety problems especially social anxiety. He deals with social events either by avoiding them, drinking too much at the event to "have fun" or punishing me if I force him to go to an event (pouting is one of his favorite ways to punish me).
He has finally agreed to see a psychiatrist to get on something to help him with his anxiety. Let me give you a couple examples of his anxiety levels when it comes to social or work things. This way you can see the extremes he goes to to deal with his anxiety or punish me.
*Once drank so much at a party he had invited friends to to make up for the bad time he thought his friends were having that he fell down a flight of stairs, knocked out his front teeth, broke his nose and split his lip open. We thought he had broken his neck or back as well but he was spared those injuries.
*At a Bar Mitzvah we were invited to he got so upset that I left him alone to go dance with some of my co workers (not out of jealousy but anxiety) that he not only left to go sit in the car without telling anyone...he moved the car away from the party so I couldn't find him and assumed he left me there and then didn't understand why I was upset. PS it was a 5 minute song and I went right back to where I had left him sitting because I knew he hated parties.
*Got drunk one night trying to show a friend a good time (see a pattern) that he went into his office drunk at 1:30am to email a subordinate to see if anyone from the office was out drinking. Forgot about doing it until he checked his email and then spent two nights worrying so much about it that he did NOT sleep for two days. Not an exaggeration. I read the email and said it was rather unprofessional but not harassing or inappropriate just way too late to be emailing coworkers to find people are out. This made him feel better but he still lost days of sleep.
David is a happy drunk and from what I have heard about him before I met him he was extremely shy unless he was drinking. He didn't date much in high school or college and had the same group of friends since he was in t-ball. He never had to come out of his shell to make friends or get jobs. Since graduating from college he has had to WORK at being social and friendly when not drinking and I notice if he is in a situation that he feels anxious (especially about being accepted) he usually lubricates the problem with lots of alcohol. At least he is a happy, if sometimes clumsy, drunk.
From what I have gleaned off the internet he is pretty textbook for the types of people that get into addictions. This is one of his traits that always seem to be on the list. Anxiety, and not being able to handle it in a healthy way, can really destroy your life.
He has finally agreed to see a psychiatrist to get on something to help him with his anxiety. Let me give you a couple examples of his anxiety levels when it comes to social or work things. This way you can see the extremes he goes to to deal with his anxiety or punish me.
*Once drank so much at a party he had invited friends to to make up for the bad time he thought his friends were having that he fell down a flight of stairs, knocked out his front teeth, broke his nose and split his lip open. We thought he had broken his neck or back as well but he was spared those injuries.
*At a Bar Mitzvah we were invited to he got so upset that I left him alone to go dance with some of my co workers (not out of jealousy but anxiety) that he not only left to go sit in the car without telling anyone...he moved the car away from the party so I couldn't find him and assumed he left me there and then didn't understand why I was upset. PS it was a 5 minute song and I went right back to where I had left him sitting because I knew he hated parties.
*Got drunk one night trying to show a friend a good time (see a pattern) that he went into his office drunk at 1:30am to email a subordinate to see if anyone from the office was out drinking. Forgot about doing it until he checked his email and then spent two nights worrying so much about it that he did NOT sleep for two days. Not an exaggeration. I read the email and said it was rather unprofessional but not harassing or inappropriate just way too late to be emailing coworkers to find people are out. This made him feel better but he still lost days of sleep.
David is a happy drunk and from what I have heard about him before I met him he was extremely shy unless he was drinking. He didn't date much in high school or college and had the same group of friends since he was in t-ball. He never had to come out of his shell to make friends or get jobs. Since graduating from college he has had to WORK at being social and friendly when not drinking and I notice if he is in a situation that he feels anxious (especially about being accepted) he usually lubricates the problem with lots of alcohol. At least he is a happy, if sometimes clumsy, drunk.
From what I have gleaned off the internet he is pretty textbook for the types of people that get into addictions. This is one of his traits that always seem to be on the list. Anxiety, and not being able to handle it in a healthy way, can really destroy your life.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Fear of leaving him.
This weekend a good friend of mine is having a going away party about 4 hours away and I would need to stay the night since it is late and drinking would be involved. I told her I couldn't make it due to money issues (20% true) but the real reason is I am absolutely terrified of leaving my spouse home alone.
He has already shown a habit of diving into porn when I am away from home. I have phone records and email and text records to back that up. He has also engaged in porn when I was sitting 10 feet from him but it was more rampant when I am away. One of the most hurtful times he has fallen into Internet porn was when I was driving home alone to my parents house in order to make our move from his grad school easier for him. It was a 16 hour drive and I had two dogs in my car and had to cross over 5 states. I kept David informed of my progress by text message. On the day that I found out about this entire addiction I looked at that day and the next day when I completed the drive (it was a holiday weekend so easy to remember the date) and saw that he texted about 15 different number for almost 7 hours each day. What a way for him to say thank you for trying to make things easier for the move.
Back to my current stress...I now don't want to leave him alone. The phone is now just for calls and has no email, text or Internet abilities-at least that saved us money. I lock our only home personal computer so that he can't get onto the Internet at all. Shockingly chat rooms are not something you can block without blocking everything. And his favorite chat rooms were on AOL. It has only been a month (one month today to be exact) and I think I need to be easier on myself with the healing and realize it will take a long time to trust him and to trust myself to trust him. Trust....what we lost that I miss the most.
I know one day I will have to leave him alone. I also know he has a job that gives him the opportunity to do other things and just tell me he is at work. The only thing that keeps me from worrying about that is I know that he is too scared to lose his job to jeopardize that and he (according to him and what he has told his therapist) he has never had physical contact with any women. And in a weird way I know he would never use a prostitute because he is too cheap. Kinda funny but true. Had he had to pay for half of what he did online or on the phone this problem would have taken a lot longer to develop. Either that or we would be thousands of dollars in debt.
I pray that one day I can trust him alone. Will let you know when that day comes.
He has already shown a habit of diving into porn when I am away from home. I have phone records and email and text records to back that up. He has also engaged in porn when I was sitting 10 feet from him but it was more rampant when I am away. One of the most hurtful times he has fallen into Internet porn was when I was driving home alone to my parents house in order to make our move from his grad school easier for him. It was a 16 hour drive and I had two dogs in my car and had to cross over 5 states. I kept David informed of my progress by text message. On the day that I found out about this entire addiction I looked at that day and the next day when I completed the drive (it was a holiday weekend so easy to remember the date) and saw that he texted about 15 different number for almost 7 hours each day. What a way for him to say thank you for trying to make things easier for the move.
Back to my current stress...I now don't want to leave him alone. The phone is now just for calls and has no email, text or Internet abilities-at least that saved us money. I lock our only home personal computer so that he can't get onto the Internet at all. Shockingly chat rooms are not something you can block without blocking everything. And his favorite chat rooms were on AOL. It has only been a month (one month today to be exact) and I think I need to be easier on myself with the healing and realize it will take a long time to trust him and to trust myself to trust him. Trust....what we lost that I miss the most.
I know one day I will have to leave him alone. I also know he has a job that gives him the opportunity to do other things and just tell me he is at work. The only thing that keeps me from worrying about that is I know that he is too scared to lose his job to jeopardize that and he (according to him and what he has told his therapist) he has never had physical contact with any women. And in a weird way I know he would never use a prostitute because he is too cheap. Kinda funny but true. Had he had to pay for half of what he did online or on the phone this problem would have taken a lot longer to develop. Either that or we would be thousands of dollars in debt.
I pray that one day I can trust him alone. Will let you know when that day comes.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I have to read my magazines!
Down time is hard due to not trying to think about everything. I took some time the other day to catch up on my magazines that I get in the mail. I was a couple months behind on most of them.
One article jumped up and bit me. Reading it was like someone had peeked into my life and submitted it to Ladies Home Journal.
Can this marriage be saved?
It shocked me that when I went to Borders to look for books about SA I could only fine one but this is a mainstream enough problem that Ladies Home Journal dedicated 3 pages to it.
These stories are based on real couples having real problems. The comments at the bottom left by the general public are rather sad. Confirms why I have only told a select group of friends.
One article jumped up and bit me. Reading it was like someone had peeked into my life and submitted it to Ladies Home Journal.
Can this marriage be saved?
It shocked me that when I went to Borders to look for books about SA I could only fine one but this is a mainstream enough problem that Ladies Home Journal dedicated 3 pages to it.
These stories are based on real couples having real problems. The comments at the bottom left by the general public are rather sad. Confirms why I have only told a select group of friends.
Sexually Anorexic?
Sometime I feel surfing the net for help is a good thing but like anything else it can make someone a bit paranoid. I have been reading one of the other blogs that help me (see right) and saw a posting on sexual anorexia. Her husband became anorexic when he was acting out-that is 12 step talk for getting back into his addiction of porn and sex. My husband David was starting to do this near the time I found out everything. Literally the night before I found his secret online life I asked him to have sex and he said "No! And now you know how it feels to be rejected." He then proceeded to go online and go into chat rooms for hours while I went to bed.
But there is another concern about sexual anorexia. Did I have it? DO I have it? Here is a little information on it...
From the article: Sexual Anorexia: A New Paradigm for Hyposexual Desire Disorder by Dr. Douglas Weiss
1. Withholding love from primary partner. In this facet of sexual anorexia they actively withhold their feelings and behaviors of love from their partner. Partners of anorexics often state not feeling important or loved. Withholding may be only at home with their partner while publicly they may behave affectionately toward their partner.
2. Withholding praise or appreciation from their partner. Withholding praise or appreciation can be done consciously or unconsciously. When presented with this behavioral characteristic most sexual anorexics and their partners will acknowledge the behavior truth of this lack of ongoing, void of praise and appreciation.
3. Controlling by silence or anger. The sexual anorexic that is confronted by life issues to come close to their partner and deal with an issue or feeling will often resist this process vehemently. The two most common dynamics employed is total shut down i.e. leaves, go to another room, watch television avoidance or anger.
4. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism that causes isolation. The anorexic will push away their partner using criticism especially if the are headed toward emotional or sexual intimacy. This can be an ongoing experience for the couple where one partner is sexual anorexic.
5. Withholding sex from the partner. The anorexic will stay in control of the sexual relationship by: refusing to initiate sex, saying no to the sexual advance, makes the partner initiate the majority of sexual advances. Anorexics may also make sexual encounters emotionally void or unpleasant so the partner will not want to have further sexual encounters. This lack of sexual initiative and activity is the clearest symptom to evaluate in the initial intake process.
6. Unwillingness to discuss feelings with partner. The anorexic withholds emotional intimacy. This unwillingness to discuss feelings may be localized to the primary partner or global to all relationships. This withholding is active in the anorexic relationship style and is important for clinical intervention.
7. Staying so busy that the anorexic has little to no relational time for the partner. This busyness may take the form of hobbies, political or religious pursuits, children’s activities or can be as passive as watching television for hours a day. The anorexic rarely initiates long periods of alone time alone only with their partner. i.e. no romantic weekends or vacations without friends and family members.
8. Making any issues in the relationship the partner’s problem before owning any of the issue. Blaming the partner consistently is a characteristic of anorexia. A core motivation of the anorexic is to keep the perfect picture. Apologies for anorexics tend to be slow in coming as well.
These items are so close to my life that it shocked me when I read them. David has even said that I never compliment him. I don't. He is a good looking guy and always tries to take care of himself. I think I feel that if I compliment him I give him power and that power could make him leave me. If I beat him down a little and make him feel less desirable then he will love me more, appreciate me more, and stay with me longer.
YES YES...I know it is messed up but it is kinda like in the movies where the looser starts treating the hot girl bad and she falls for him. Messed up but how I have been behaving for years.
I am not saying that I am the cause of my husbands addiction at all. I am just saying that this may have been a reason that it took so long for me to figure out something was horribly wrong.
Part of all the co addict help groups I have been working with have said that you have to heal yourself and let the addict also heal himself. It is not my job to cure David. But this is something that I can work on.
My goals to help me connect with David and possibly help my Sexual Anorexia (if that is what I have and if it is a real thing)
1. 2 compliments to him a day preferably not about his SA treatment.
2. Be there for him-there are times he asks me to just hang out near him when he is fixing something or painting and usually I decline and watch a movie or read. That needs to change.
3. Tell him I love him when I feel love for him and not do it just to hear him say it back.
4. My favorite mode of distancing myself if the silent treatment. Again, this has to stop. All the silent treatment does is prolong the fight and the resolution. BUT BOY I AM GOOD AT THE SILENT TREATMENT!!!!
5. I need to watch my sarcastic digs. I was just talking about this with a new friend last night. We are both sarcastic people and get each others jokes but neither of our significant others do. My jokes have become a way that I can injure David without feeling guilty because it's just a joke. But to him they are insults.
6. Doing things he wants to do. Sometimes I feel if he gets to do what he wants to do for fun (he picks the movie, he picks the vacation, he picks the restaurant) I feel like he somehow is winning. This is love not a competition.
7. And finally, working on more sex is gonna be a toughie due to our other situation. If this was the only problem it would be WAY higher on the list. I like sex. I find my husband very sexy. But I will try to make myself more open to the possibility of more sex as we get better.
But there is another concern about sexual anorexia. Did I have it? DO I have it? Here is a little information on it...
From the article: Sexual Anorexia: A New Paradigm for Hyposexual Desire Disorder by Dr. Douglas Weiss
1. Withholding love from primary partner. In this facet of sexual anorexia they actively withhold their feelings and behaviors of love from their partner. Partners of anorexics often state not feeling important or loved. Withholding may be only at home with their partner while publicly they may behave affectionately toward their partner.
2. Withholding praise or appreciation from their partner. Withholding praise or appreciation can be done consciously or unconsciously. When presented with this behavioral characteristic most sexual anorexics and their partners will acknowledge the behavior truth of this lack of ongoing, void of praise and appreciation.
3. Controlling by silence or anger. The sexual anorexic that is confronted by life issues to come close to their partner and deal with an issue or feeling will often resist this process vehemently. The two most common dynamics employed is total shut down i.e. leaves, go to another room, watch television avoidance or anger.
4. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism that causes isolation. The anorexic will push away their partner using criticism especially if the are headed toward emotional or sexual intimacy. This can be an ongoing experience for the couple where one partner is sexual anorexic.
5. Withholding sex from the partner. The anorexic will stay in control of the sexual relationship by: refusing to initiate sex, saying no to the sexual advance, makes the partner initiate the majority of sexual advances. Anorexics may also make sexual encounters emotionally void or unpleasant so the partner will not want to have further sexual encounters. This lack of sexual initiative and activity is the clearest symptom to evaluate in the initial intake process.
6. Unwillingness to discuss feelings with partner. The anorexic withholds emotional intimacy. This unwillingness to discuss feelings may be localized to the primary partner or global to all relationships. This withholding is active in the anorexic relationship style and is important for clinical intervention.
7. Staying so busy that the anorexic has little to no relational time for the partner. This busyness may take the form of hobbies, political or religious pursuits, children’s activities or can be as passive as watching television for hours a day. The anorexic rarely initiates long periods of alone time alone only with their partner. i.e. no romantic weekends or vacations without friends and family members.
8. Making any issues in the relationship the partner’s problem before owning any of the issue. Blaming the partner consistently is a characteristic of anorexia. A core motivation of the anorexic is to keep the perfect picture. Apologies for anorexics tend to be slow in coming as well.
These items are so close to my life that it shocked me when I read them. David has even said that I never compliment him. I don't. He is a good looking guy and always tries to take care of himself. I think I feel that if I compliment him I give him power and that power could make him leave me. If I beat him down a little and make him feel less desirable then he will love me more, appreciate me more, and stay with me longer.
YES YES...I know it is messed up but it is kinda like in the movies where the looser starts treating the hot girl bad and she falls for him. Messed up but how I have been behaving for years.
I am not saying that I am the cause of my husbands addiction at all. I am just saying that this may have been a reason that it took so long for me to figure out something was horribly wrong.
Part of all the co addict help groups I have been working with have said that you have to heal yourself and let the addict also heal himself. It is not my job to cure David. But this is something that I can work on.
My goals to help me connect with David and possibly help my Sexual Anorexia (if that is what I have and if it is a real thing)
1. 2 compliments to him a day preferably not about his SA treatment.
2. Be there for him-there are times he asks me to just hang out near him when he is fixing something or painting and usually I decline and watch a movie or read. That needs to change.
3. Tell him I love him when I feel love for him and not do it just to hear him say it back.
4. My favorite mode of distancing myself if the silent treatment. Again, this has to stop. All the silent treatment does is prolong the fight and the resolution. BUT BOY I AM GOOD AT THE SILENT TREATMENT!!!!
5. I need to watch my sarcastic digs. I was just talking about this with a new friend last night. We are both sarcastic people and get each others jokes but neither of our significant others do. My jokes have become a way that I can injure David without feeling guilty because it's just a joke. But to him they are insults.
6. Doing things he wants to do. Sometimes I feel if he gets to do what he wants to do for fun (he picks the movie, he picks the vacation, he picks the restaurant) I feel like he somehow is winning. This is love not a competition.
7. And finally, working on more sex is gonna be a toughie due to our other situation. If this was the only problem it would be WAY higher on the list. I like sex. I find my husband very sexy. But I will try to make myself more open to the possibility of more sex as we get better.
Monday, December 6, 2010
*this weekend
This seemed to be a big enough of an event to have its' own post. David and I had sex for the first time since the sex addiction discovery about a month ago. I am sure that he has missed sex since before he had never seemed to get enough (another clue I overlooked). But what surprised me the most is that I missed sex, too.
It was sweeter than many of our sexual encounters. Usually I felt like he is selfish with sex and is just getting a fix. Sometime I feel like sex with David is just so he can get his high and has nothing to do with me.
This was more like sex when we were still dating. Passion instead of lust. I was concerned that now that we have started that part of our life again he would start asking for it every second like before but he hasn't. I think he realized that that event was a HUGE step for me and to not rush things and not take for granted that it will happen anytime again soon. When we have a connection like we did this weekend it will probably happen again. If not...there will be a gap for a while.
It was sweeter than many of our sexual encounters. Usually I felt like he is selfish with sex and is just getting a fix. Sometime I feel like sex with David is just so he can get his high and has nothing to do with me.
This was more like sex when we were still dating. Passion instead of lust. I was concerned that now that we have started that part of our life again he would start asking for it every second like before but he hasn't. I think he realized that that event was a HUGE step for me and to not rush things and not take for granted that it will happen anytime again soon. When we have a connection like we did this weekend it will probably happen again. If not...there will be a gap for a while.
Life Balance
This weekend was good and bad. Good...The birthday went well. I made a cake and got a small gift for David. He was very appreciative and I felt very good doing it. Sometimes the normal things help get you though this unusual time.
He had to work very late on Friday (his actual birthday) so we celebrated more on Saturday night. He was supposed to go to SA on Saturday morning at 9am but due to a very stressful work week and lack of sleep we agreed to wait until next week to start.
We did start going to Church on Sunday. I mentioned before that we are both Catholic and we have been bad about being more than just Christmas Easter church goers. We went to one of the two churches close to us and I was not happy with the vibe. The homily was about (of all things) contraception. Of all the things in the world to preach on during the Advent season this is what they chose. This was also the first week of what is called "Catholics Come Home". It is a program to get Catholics re-involved in the church. SOOOO THIS is what you talk about to make them feel welcome. Strange. Also it really seemed like no one wanted to be there and the service ran 20 minutes over and it wasn't that crowded. We will try the other church next week.
One of the hardest parts of this is not snapping back at my husband when he nags or says anything negative. Yesterday he was talking about how anyone can loose weight. He is a rather vain person and I know even though I am a normal size he would love to have me be not just thin but skinny. His mom literally had a six pack into her 40's. I have photos. His sister is amazingly beautiful (hot even). I am cute. Got that down pat. Even when I try to be "hot" I just look like I am playing dress up. Anyways....even though I am at a good weight he kept harping on him loosing weight and how easy it is. I snapped and asked if he thought I was fat? He said no...but it is always easy to loose 10 lbs. I then hit him with "Well, if anyone is looking for a way to loose weight all they have to do is find out that their husband is a sex addict!"
I felt a little bad after I said it. But sometimes when he is giving me a hard time or nagging if you will I fell that he REALLY needs to cut me some slack since I am dealing with something new and awful and he is finally getting better after dealing with something for two years.
Another problem is that David makes almost all of the money. So while I am dealing with this stress I still have to "ask" for money to cover bills and Christmas gifts. He is a saver and does have our interests at heart to save as much as possible but asking permission from a man that has done so much betrayal drives me crazy. I know one doesn't link to the other but it has built resentment. Especially when he doesn't TRUST ME with the credit card. Yes, I am the untrustworthy one. Since the discovery of everything he is a little gentler about it and I always stress that the things I buy are rarely FUN things.
Now I am just venting but I think that is kind of the point of this blog. I know the few friends that know about this must get tired of hearing me complain and vent. They have stress and things going on in their own life. This blog always listens.
He had to work very late on Friday (his actual birthday) so we celebrated more on Saturday night. He was supposed to go to SA on Saturday morning at 9am but due to a very stressful work week and lack of sleep we agreed to wait until next week to start.
We did start going to Church on Sunday. I mentioned before that we are both Catholic and we have been bad about being more than just Christmas Easter church goers. We went to one of the two churches close to us and I was not happy with the vibe. The homily was about (of all things) contraception. Of all the things in the world to preach on during the Advent season this is what they chose. This was also the first week of what is called "Catholics Come Home". It is a program to get Catholics re-involved in the church. SOOOO THIS is what you talk about to make them feel welcome. Strange. Also it really seemed like no one wanted to be there and the service ran 20 minutes over and it wasn't that crowded. We will try the other church next week.
One of the hardest parts of this is not snapping back at my husband when he nags or says anything negative. Yesterday he was talking about how anyone can loose weight. He is a rather vain person and I know even though I am a normal size he would love to have me be not just thin but skinny. His mom literally had a six pack into her 40's. I have photos. His sister is amazingly beautiful (hot even). I am cute. Got that down pat. Even when I try to be "hot" I just look like I am playing dress up. Anyways....even though I am at a good weight he kept harping on him loosing weight and how easy it is. I snapped and asked if he thought I was fat? He said no...but it is always easy to loose 10 lbs. I then hit him with "Well, if anyone is looking for a way to loose weight all they have to do is find out that their husband is a sex addict!"
I felt a little bad after I said it. But sometimes when he is giving me a hard time or nagging if you will I fell that he REALLY needs to cut me some slack since I am dealing with something new and awful and he is finally getting better after dealing with something for two years.
Another problem is that David makes almost all of the money. So while I am dealing with this stress I still have to "ask" for money to cover bills and Christmas gifts. He is a saver and does have our interests at heart to save as much as possible but asking permission from a man that has done so much betrayal drives me crazy. I know one doesn't link to the other but it has built resentment. Especially when he doesn't TRUST ME with the credit card. Yes, I am the untrustworthy one. Since the discovery of everything he is a little gentler about it and I always stress that the things I buy are rarely FUN things.
Now I am just venting but I think that is kind of the point of this blog. I know the few friends that know about this must get tired of hearing me complain and vent. They have stress and things going on in their own life. This blog always listens.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Birthday
Today is David's birthday. Yesterday he had therapy and tomorrow he is going to his first SAA meeting. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go but will do it for me. He has always had a huge fear of the unknown and this is another huge unknown. I am working on not hounding him about his recovery. It is hard and last night he had to work some from home on his lap top and even though it is his work laptop and they monitor everything he does and I know he wouldn't risk anything to loose his job it still made me very nervous to see him on a computer. I could tell he saw it in my eyes because he told me he just needed to send a work email and did everything in front of me.
We are getting into a rhythm and it feels better. I was really scared that he would postpone his therapy session yesterday. He didn't tell me if he went and I know he has been very busy at work. Trying not to be a co-addict I refrained from asking him until right before bed. I just asked if he saw his therapist and he said yes. I didn't ask any more and he didn't volunteer anything else.
If he has been honest with me I feel I know everything about his sexual addiction that I need to know. Asking for details just makes him feel more guilty and hurts me more. I can't change the past and reliving it is like scraping off a scab.
Saturday and his SAA meeting will be a big step. I hope to God that he sees the benefit. I know 12 step programs don't work for everyone but I want him to see that other people with this problem are "normal" like he is. As someone else mentioned in his blog I think that problems with SA will explode in the next couple years.
We are getting into a rhythm and it feels better. I was really scared that he would postpone his therapy session yesterday. He didn't tell me if he went and I know he has been very busy at work. Trying not to be a co-addict I refrained from asking him until right before bed. I just asked if he saw his therapist and he said yes. I didn't ask any more and he didn't volunteer anything else.
If he has been honest with me I feel I know everything about his sexual addiction that I need to know. Asking for details just makes him feel more guilty and hurts me more. I can't change the past and reliving it is like scraping off a scab.
Saturday and his SAA meeting will be a big step. I hope to God that he sees the benefit. I know 12 step programs don't work for everyone but I want him to see that other people with this problem are "normal" like he is. As someone else mentioned in his blog I think that problems with SA will explode in the next couple years.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Better day
Today I focused on me. It seemed to help some and get me out of the funk I was in. I am also taking a good multi-vitamin and I do think that is helping. Still no real appetite but I do feel happer once I eat.
David's birthday is tomorrow and due to holidays and pre existing plans it will be the first weekend we are alone. Hard to tell people not to come visit because my husband is a sex addict.
He had regular therapy today and I promised myself that I will not ask him about it. After going myself I realize it is a mentally exhausting process and sometimes you need a day to digest everything.
David's birthday is tomorrow and due to holidays and pre existing plans it will be the first weekend we are alone. Hard to tell people not to come visit because my husband is a sex addict.
He had regular therapy today and I promised myself that I will not ask him about it. After going myself I realize it is a mentally exhausting process and sometimes you need a day to digest everything.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
COSA Telemeeting
Did my first call in to a COSA telemeeting since there are no physical meetings anywhere near me. It is a support group for people affected by someones sex addiction. It was nice to hear voices of people going through what I am not just read things or a therapist who doesn't quite know how I feel. Hope to listen in again. Not sure I am ready to share. Just thanking them got me crying.
Hindsight 20/20 (I)
Here are a few behaviors that looking back could have given a hint into my husbands addiction. Being the trusting, loving wife I never gave any of them a second thought but looking back I see that they were all clues to a bigger problem.
-He always wanted to "get rid" of his porn. One day I would find his collection (small collection) in the trash.
-He would want to reboot his computer to make a clean start.
-All of our computers would crash all the time.
-The settings on the computer were set by him to clear everything everytime it shut down and he would shut down the computer before letting me use it.
-When needing to get urgent work done on the computer he would either do it in front of me or go to a public place like a library.
-Over time I caught him masturbating more and more ...even if he knew I was on my way home he still couldn't stop.
-On the computer all hours of the night with no work related things needing to be done.
-Sex was more aggressive and more like a "fix" for him than anything to do with love.
-He asked me to disable texting on his phone and get rid of internet on it "to save money". It would have only saved about 20 bucks so I didn't understand the logic.
-Once he looked at porn on my parents computer while we were house sitting and crashed it.
-He would have a huge list of things to do when I was at work (I worked weekends) and when I got home none would be accomplished. Time always slipped away from him.
-He would say things like "I get a lot more done with you around..."
-If I caught him looking at porn online (I didn't think there was anything wrong with it...boys will be boys) I jokingly asked him to show me and he refused and turned off his computer. So secretive about something I was not upset about.
-He stopped doing romantic foreplay. Cuddling, touching, kissing deeply, looking in my eyes. I guess the girls online didn't need that!
Hindsight now I see that all of these things were him trying to deal with his problem on his own. He thought that just getting rid of the temptation would make him better. Dvd's gone but the computer is still there. Computer crashed but texting is still there. Texting is still there but if I was around the temptation wouldn't win.
There was no way I could have realized the truth about all these things but maybe they will help someone else see some signs and start a conversation about porn or sex addiction with their spouse.
Enough for my first day on this. I do feel better getting it down on (cyber) paper.
-He always wanted to "get rid" of his porn. One day I would find his collection (small collection) in the trash.
-He would want to reboot his computer to make a clean start.
-All of our computers would crash all the time.
-The settings on the computer were set by him to clear everything everytime it shut down and he would shut down the computer before letting me use it.
-When needing to get urgent work done on the computer he would either do it in front of me or go to a public place like a library.
-Over time I caught him masturbating more and more ...even if he knew I was on my way home he still couldn't stop.
-On the computer all hours of the night with no work related things needing to be done.
-Sex was more aggressive and more like a "fix" for him than anything to do with love.
-He asked me to disable texting on his phone and get rid of internet on it "to save money". It would have only saved about 20 bucks so I didn't understand the logic.
-Once he looked at porn on my parents computer while we were house sitting and crashed it.
-He would have a huge list of things to do when I was at work (I worked weekends) and when I got home none would be accomplished. Time always slipped away from him.
-He would say things like "I get a lot more done with you around..."
-If I caught him looking at porn online (I didn't think there was anything wrong with it...boys will be boys) I jokingly asked him to show me and he refused and turned off his computer. So secretive about something I was not upset about.
-He stopped doing romantic foreplay. Cuddling, touching, kissing deeply, looking in my eyes. I guess the girls online didn't need that!
Hindsight now I see that all of these things were him trying to deal with his problem on his own. He thought that just getting rid of the temptation would make him better. Dvd's gone but the computer is still there. Computer crashed but texting is still there. Texting is still there but if I was around the temptation wouldn't win.
There was no way I could have realized the truth about all these things but maybe they will help someone else see some signs and start a conversation about porn or sex addiction with their spouse.
Enough for my first day on this. I do feel better getting it down on (cyber) paper.
Things I have learned so far (I)
1. There is online support but not as much as I had hoped for.
2. Sex addiction is still very misunderstood and debated as an addiction.
3. I used to think that sex addiction was just an excuse for lack of self control. Dealing with it first hand has changed my mind.
4. I always thought that when stressed I eat...but now know if I am really stressed I don't eat.
5. Don't feel guilty for the days that are good. There will be enough bad days.
2. Sex addiction is still very misunderstood and debated as an addiction.
3. I used to think that sex addiction was just an excuse for lack of self control. Dealing with it first hand has changed my mind.
4. I always thought that when stressed I eat...but now know if I am really stressed I don't eat.
5. Don't feel guilty for the days that are good. There will be enough bad days.
First Day Clarification
On looking back at my synopsis of the last three weeks I failed to mention that the first day I was pissed. When I called David to confront him at work he tried to deny it for about 2 seconds. I proceeded to scream at him so loudly that I am surprised the neighbors did not come over. On that day there was no desire to work through this problem. Divorce lawyers were called. Engagement photos were smashed. This man had broken my heart. He just sat in the corner and took my anger. He looked about 2 feet tall. I planned to move home and start separation proceedings.
I just want people reading this to know that anger is a natural feeling and just like anyone else dealing with this it consumed me for days.
I just want people reading this to know that anger is a natural feeling and just like anyone else dealing with this it consumed me for days.
Doctor visit
David has told me multiple times that he never physically met any of these women or had a physical affair. His logic to me was that he never used his real name or photos of his face so if he ever met these women they would be freaked out since he didn't look like the man they thought they were chatting with. Thanks?!? How considerate he was.
But since my trust in him has been shattered 100% I felt the need to get full blood work done at a doctors office. As mentioned before we are new to the area so not only do I need to test to see if I have any STD's I need to introduce myself to a new doctor. What a great first impression. It was the adult thing to do but I still was not excited. I was even so late to the first appointment that I had to reschedule. Deep down I was just procrastinating.
Found out some interesting things when getting a new doctor physical.
1. Doctors always have Kleenex in their offices.
2. Regular physical bloodwork will not test for STD's-you need to request further testing.
3. I have low Vitamin D.
Thank God that number 3 was the worst thing they found. I feel so much better now. Making a joke my husband said "If they do find anything I'll divorce you since I haven't cheated!" Not a great joke but he is trying to keep things lighter. I may have given him an eat sh!+ look.
But since my trust in him has been shattered 100% I felt the need to get full blood work done at a doctors office. As mentioned before we are new to the area so not only do I need to test to see if I have any STD's I need to introduce myself to a new doctor. What a great first impression. It was the adult thing to do but I still was not excited. I was even so late to the first appointment that I had to reschedule. Deep down I was just procrastinating.
Found out some interesting things when getting a new doctor physical.
1. Doctors always have Kleenex in their offices.
2. Regular physical bloodwork will not test for STD's-you need to request further testing.
3. I have low Vitamin D.
Thank God that number 3 was the worst thing they found. I feel so much better now. Making a joke my husband said "If they do find anything I'll divorce you since I haven't cheated!" Not a great joke but he is trying to keep things lighter. I may have given him an eat sh!+ look.
Since the shock
It has been three long weeks since the day of discovery for me. Every day is different and every day is a struggle. I have confided in a few very close friends but if we told our families they would never be able to forgive him. My sister went through a very bad divorce with her first husband and even when they tried to work it out I vividly remember my mom telling me she hoped they didn't make it because she would never be able to forgive him. I learned that some things can not be unsaid. I may be able to forgive my husband (we will call him David) but our parents wouldn't be able to.
His therapy is going well. He is seeing a general counselor but he initiated it and feels comfortable meeting with her. She has suggested he attend SAA and he is doing anything to try to save what we have. So many husbands are in denial...at least David has realized the gravity of the situation.
I also met with his therapist and it was horrible. An hour of crying and reliving those first days. All day I felt horrible but the next day I did feel better like after a hard workout. Talking with the few friends that know has help a lot and I am blessed to have people who will just listen and not judge or give advice. A sounding board is so needed at a time like this. I know I can just call them and vent and feel better.
His therapy is going well. He is seeing a general counselor but he initiated it and feels comfortable meeting with her. She has suggested he attend SAA and he is doing anything to try to save what we have. So many husbands are in denial...at least David has realized the gravity of the situation.
I also met with his therapist and it was horrible. An hour of crying and reliving those first days. All day I felt horrible but the next day I did feel better like after a hard workout. Talking with the few friends that know has help a lot and I am blessed to have people who will just listen and not judge or give advice. A sounding board is so needed at a time like this. I know I can just call them and vent and feel better.
Surprise...everything you thought was wrong
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