Fear of leaving him.

This weekend a good friend of mine is having a going away party about 4 hours away and I would need to stay the night since it is late and drinking would be involved.  I told her I couldn't make it due to money issues (20% true) but the real reason is I am absolutely terrified of leaving my spouse home alone. 

He has already shown a habit of diving into porn when I am away from home.  I have phone records and email and text records to back that up.  He has also engaged in porn when I was sitting 10 feet from him but it was more rampant when I am away.  One of the most hurtful times he has fallen into Internet porn was when I was driving home alone to my parents house in order to make our move from his grad school easier for him.  It was a 16 hour drive and I had two dogs in my car and had to cross over 5 states.  I kept David informed of my progress by text message.  On the day that I found out about this entire addiction I looked at that day and the next day when I completed the drive (it was a holiday weekend so easy to remember the date) and saw that he texted about 15 different number for almost 7 hours each day.  What a way for him to say thank you for trying to make things easier for the move. 

Back to my current stress...I now don't want to leave him alone.  The phone is now just for calls and has no email, text or Internet abilities-at least that saved us money.  I lock our only home personal computer so that he can't get onto the Internet at all.  Shockingly chat rooms are not something you can block without blocking everything.  And his favorite chat rooms were on AOL.  It has only been a month (one month today to be exact) and I think I need to be easier on myself with the healing and realize it will take a long time to trust him and to trust myself to trust him.  Trust....what we lost that I miss the most. 

I know one day I will have to leave him alone.  I also know he has a job that gives him the opportunity to do other things and just tell me he is at work.  The only thing that keeps me from worrying about that is I know that he is too scared to lose his job to jeopardize that and he (according to him and what he has told his therapist) he has never had physical contact with any women.  And in a weird way I know he would never use a prostitute because he is too cheap.  Kinda funny but true.  Had he had to pay for half of what he did online or on the phone this problem would have taken a lot longer to develop.  Either that or we would be thousands of dollars in debt.

I pray that one day I can trust him alone.  Will let you know when that day comes.