I had touched on some of the things that I look back and now see a signs of an addiction but at the time just seemed like quirks rather than problems. Some other items that I recall are:
1. David jokingly saying "Ha! I think I am a sex addict!" He asked what a sex addict was one day and I gave him the definition as someone whos thoughts or acts of sex start affecting his life in a negative way. He didn't bring it up again. I assumed that confirmed that he wasn't a sex addict. Instead it confirmed in his mind that he was. But David was not ready to deal with it.
2. After years of having sex with David he started asking for unusual things that he had never had an interest in before. Really sexy lingerie. Shaving areas completely clean (you know where). When I said that not all women do that he argued that they did. I excused this as him just seeing girls in porn and assuming all "normal" women do this. I had no idea he was exchanging graphic photographs of women and their shaved areas on a regular basis. So his logic had gone from "that's what Porn stars do" to "that's what all women do". He never connected that all women aren't in chat rooms sending naked pictures of themselves. Such is the mind of an addict. Logic does not exist.
3. Sex started lasting longer and longer. Not the foreplay (that got shorter) but the act of sex itself. After a girls trip I realized that all my friends husbands last about 10-15 minutes of true sex. David was lasting 45 minutes. It usually took multiple positions and scenarios for him to climax. I would even do things that I didn't feel comfortable with (talk dirty, moan louder) just to have him finish.
4. I am in my mid 30's. Not old but past the age that I can wear things that undergrad girls can get away with. I noticed that he wanted to take me shopping and buy me the things he saw younger girls wear. Jean shorts, skinny jeans, uggs, super high heals, over the knee boots. I took it as him just wanting me to imitate what he saw but after the discovery of his online habits I realized it was not just what he saw at school it was also what he saw online. He had a habit of texting and chatting with undergrad girls-he told me 18 to 20 was his target. He saw all these girls wearing these clothes that were sexy and trendy...why didn't his 30 something wife?
5. After sex we used to always shower together if we had time. The last 8 months before finding out about his addiction this rarely happened. Either he would time sex so that we didn't have time to shower or he would just quickly rinse off by himself and head to his bed (he was sleeping in another room at this time). Just and example of how sex had gone from being a time to be together to sex being a way for him to delay his addiction. He has told me since the discovery that he hoped that if we had sex it would keep him from going online and taking over his day.
I am sure more things will come to light as we work though this hard time. And I know that there was no way that I could look at all these things and say "I know my husband is a Sex Addict" but it does help me put it down on cyber paper.
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