Fight II

David controls the money right now because he makes most of it...if not all of it.  I have asked for a credit card before or debit card so if I get stuck without money I could be ok.  Yesterday was one of those days I needed emergency money.  I got dinged with a fee from my bank I was not expecting and had a 2 dollar balance in my account.  Just got done paying bills and usually leaves me really tight.

I went to go get a checkbook from his office and they were gone.  Called David at work and LONG story short he had all the checkbooks and cc's so he could "keep account" of everything.  Now part of addiction is control issues.  He can't control the porn anymore so he is becoming obsessed with our money.  Now keep in mind I made ALL the money for the last two years and never micromanaged money David needed. 

I got hysterical.  I had no way to get gas to get to work and he didn't trust ME enough to leave items in the house.  We keep separate accounts so David doesn't even know that I don't spend money I don't have.  Most items are food, gas, bills, and this time of year gifts for others.

He finally told me (after suggesting I use the lawnmower gas in a gas can in the garage) that there was a credit card in his drawer.  It was so hidden within things that it took me 10 minutes to find it.  Let's just say that drawer looked a little crazy when I left it.

This has been a slow build fight.  I still feel like I am trying harder than him and need him to prove more to me.  I have been "faking it till we make it" a little to much.  I also feel he has been looking out just for himself recently and not thinking about us at all.

We both built up a lot of cc debt saving cash to buy our house.  Cash is king right now.  So when my husband got a little extra money he paid off HIS two credit cards without consulting me and without thought to my debt.  Yes mine are lower rates but it was still a decision that should have been made by both of us.  He also has been making thoughtless and mean comments like "You're only staying because you like having the money and the house."  Dick.

So with all these little things building inside me...I got home and told David since he doesn't trust me with money he can have all access to my accounts and his job is to now pay all my bills and manage all my money.  I will tell him when I need money and he will make it available.

Of course this extra work on his part did not sound good to David.  He wanted control but not to have to do all the work.  When I realized this I realized that I wanted out.  Now.  I am working on getting a full time job and told David the one that I am in the second interview stage is the last thing I will wait on.  Once I have it or not I am moving out. 

If I get the job I will stay in Charlotte and get an apartment or find a roommate.  If not I will move home with my family.  Either way he can work on fixing himself because it seems like the only reason he is doing anything is because I am forcing him to do it.  If he doesn't want to get better on his own he won't and even though it has only been 6 weeks I can't think about a life like this any longer. 

Once I decided to move out I felt so much better because for the first time I realized that I do have the strength to leave if and when I need to.  It is no longer an empty threat.  It is something I CAN do.

After this point I felt a lot better and told David no matter what we will get through the holidays and then deal with the separation.  In our state you have to be separated for a year before you can get a divorce.  I told him that I will only use all the info I have on him to have him pay for my moving fees, lawyer fees and to help me out until I get a full time job.  At this point leaving with a lot of debt was better than staying and losing my sanity.

I was done talking and proceeded to clean the house.  He joined me in silence and then I started to decorate the tree by myself just like I had for the last 5 years with David.  He told me that he would work on becoming more involved in Christmas but this year was like every other year and he didn't do anything.

At one point in our fight I asked him to name one thing that he did for me that was nice that was done without me asking and without that thing benefiting him as well.  A sweet gift?  Flowers?  Bring home a DVD as a surprise?  A card?  He couldn't name one thing in the last two years. 

The money issue was just the straw that broke the back. 

I could tell I was freaking David out.  He told me that I was acting like a stranger and he didn't understand me at all.  Well I know how that feels.

David has been so selfish for the last 2 years that for him to do these recent selfish things freaked me out. 

What if he never changes?  What if he is only trying until I let him off the hook and then he stays the same?  I am not getting any younger and if I do want kids in the next year I have to decide to stay or leave. 

I know you can drive yourself crazy with the what if's in life.  It took 5 hours of talking but we came to a ceasefire.  Yesterday was a very bad day.  We are acting like two individuals living in one house not a couple and we never really have.  David has made asking for money so hard for me that I am paying bills late because I wait until the last second to ask for money.  He is making me feel guilty for not having a job but he is the one that has moved us twice in the last 2 years.  This is a hard market.  It takes time and effort.  I have been in Real Estate since 2003 and there really is no market in our new city.

He agreed that he needs to do more and talk to me more about how HE wants to get better not just appease me. 

Our relationship has been very hard for the last two+ years but I always thought once we were where we are now we would get better and could start a family.  The reality of the situation has finally sunk in and I am out of the denial phase of mourning my previous life and I know I am in the ANGER phase.  Rage even. 

No medication could even out this anger that is in me now unless it put me in a coma. 

One day at a time.  But now I know I can leave David and know I am doing what is right.  And for once I think David know that I will leave him if he doesn't make everything right.