Sexually Anorexic?

Sometime I feel surfing the net for help is a good thing but like anything else it can make someone a bit paranoid.  I have been reading one of the other blogs that help me (see right) and saw a posting on sexual anorexia.  Her husband became anorexic when he was acting out-that is 12 step talk for getting back into his addiction of porn and sex.  My husband David was starting to do this near the time I found out everything.  Literally the night before I found his secret online life I asked him to have sex and he said "No! And now you know how it feels to be rejected."  He then proceeded to go online and go into chat rooms for hours while I went to bed. 

But there is another concern about sexual anorexia.  Did I have it?  DO I have it?  Here is a little information on it...

From the article: Sexual Anorexia: A New Paradigm for Hyposexual Desire Disorder by Dr. Douglas Weiss
1. Withholding love from primary partner. In this facet of sexual anorexia they actively withhold their feelings and behaviors of love from their partner. Partners of anorexics often state not feeling important or loved. Withholding may be only at home with their partner while publicly they may behave affectionately toward their partner.

2. Withholding praise or appreciation from their partner. Withholding praise or appreciation can be done consciously or unconsciously. When presented with this behavioral characteristic most sexual anorexics and their partners will acknowledge the behavior truth of this lack of ongoing, void of praise and appreciation.

3. Controlling by silence or anger. The sexual anorexic that is confronted by life issues to come close to their partner and deal with an issue or feeling will often resist this process vehemently. The two most common dynamics employed is total shut down i.e. leaves, go to another room, watch television avoidance or anger.

4. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism that causes isolation. The anorexic will push away their partner using criticism especially if the are headed toward emotional or sexual intimacy. This can be an ongoing experience for the couple where one partner is sexual anorexic.

5. Withholding sex from the partner. The anorexic will stay in control of the sexual relationship by: refusing to initiate sex, saying no to the sexual advance, makes the partner initiate the majority of sexual advances. Anorexics may also make sexual encounters emotionally void or unpleasant so the partner will not want to have further sexual encounters. This lack of sexual initiative and activity is the clearest symptom to evaluate in the initial intake process.

6. Unwillingness to discuss feelings with partner. The anorexic withholds emotional intimacy. This unwillingness to discuss feelings may be localized to the primary partner or global to all relationships. This withholding is active in the anorexic relationship style and is important for clinical intervention.

7. Staying so busy that the anorexic has little to no relational time for the partner. This busyness may take the form of hobbies, political or religious pursuits, children’s activities or can be as passive as watching television for hours a day. The anorexic rarely initiates long periods of alone time alone only with their partner. i.e. no romantic weekends or vacations without friends and family members.

8. Making any issues in the relationship the partner’s problem before owning any of the issue. Blaming the partner consistently is a characteristic of anorexia. A core motivation of the anorexic is to keep the perfect picture. Apologies for anorexics tend to be slow in coming as well. 

These items are so close to my life that it shocked me when I read them.  David has even said that I never compliment him.  I don't.  He is a good looking guy and always tries to take care of himself.  I think I feel that if I compliment him I give him power and that power could make him leave me.  If I beat him down a little and make him feel less desirable then he will love me more, appreciate me more, and stay with me longer. 

YES YES...I know it is messed up but it is kinda like in the movies where the looser starts treating the hot girl bad and she falls for him.  Messed up but how I have been behaving for years. 

I am not saying that I am the cause of my husbands addiction at all.  I am just saying that this may have been a reason that it took so long for me to figure out something was horribly wrong. 

Part of all the co addict help groups I have been working with have said that you have to heal yourself and let the addict also heal himself.  It is not my job to cure David.  But this is something that I can work on. 

My goals to help me connect with David and possibly help my Sexual Anorexia (if that is what I have and if it is a real thing)

1. 2 compliments to him a day preferably not about his SA treatment.

2. Be there for him-there are times he asks me to just hang out near him when he is fixing something or painting and usually I decline and watch a movie or read.  That needs to change.

3. Tell him I love him when I feel love for him and not do it just to hear him say it back.

4. My favorite mode of distancing myself if the silent treatment.  Again, this has to stop.  All the silent treatment does is prolong the fight and the resolution.  BUT BOY I AM GOOD AT THE SILENT TREATMENT!!!!

5. I need to watch my sarcastic digs.  I was just talking about this with a new friend last night.  We are both sarcastic people and get each others jokes but neither of our significant others do.  My jokes have become a way that I can injure David without feeling guilty because it's just a joke.  But to him they are insults.

6. Doing things he wants to do.  Sometimes I feel if he gets to do what he wants to do for fun (he picks the movie, he picks the vacation, he picks the restaurant) I feel like he somehow is winning.  This is love not a competition. 

7. And finally, working on more sex is gonna be a toughie due to our other situation.  If this was the only problem it would be WAY higher on the list.  I like sex.  I find my husband very sexy.  But I will try to make myself more open to the possibility of more sex as we get better.