Broken record and end of the marriage.

Hello everyone. Since last posting in November of 2011 I would love to say a lot has changed with David. It hasn't.

The good news is that a lot has changed with me. I really committed to my own therapy after the November 2011 separation. I did 12 step with Coda and Cosa and one on one therapy, met with my psychiatrist, and got in with an amazing group of women for a group support class.

Meeting other women dealing with the same thing I was healed so much in me. We were not ugly, lazy, unsexy bitches. We were normal women with jobs and children and addicted husbands or boyfriends.

I worked on my majorly codependent issues and found that most of my relationships improves with me having these tools.

Andrew did not fare so well. He never commuted to a treatment program (his therapist even suggested an intensive treatment at the same facility Tiger Woods was treated at. When David relapsed he didn't just do it for an hour or a day or two. He would do a full bender.

Him getting an iPhone was a huge step back for him. Like an alcoholic always having a bottle of Vodka in his pocket. Just too much temptation and with David having no established treatment it just got worse.

I will fill in the blanks more later but I have signed the separation papers and moved home to my parents house. All of my belongings are in a local storage unit and in one year the absolute divorce will be granted.

There came a moment that I realized I was the only one working on the marriage.

That day I asked for the divorce and started notifying family. They don't know the porn and chat room problems but they saw how we interacted and how he interacted with the family.

It has been hard but there is a freeing feeling.

And since I am back in my home town I don't have to search for new doctors and hair stylists!!

Silver lining.

More soon.

3 Strikes...You're Out.

I have said it before.  It is less the act of the chat rooms and porn and more the lies and deceit.  The lack of respect is part of it, too.  A little over one year into this struggle I have found David deep in his addiction once again.  He had been acting distant and extremely sensitive.  There was nothing I could do that was right.  He was doing little things (sometimes big things) to get "even" with me.  Sunday was my 35th birthday and I was out of town Saturday and most of Sunday to see a football game.  That morning when we texted - oh by the way he bought himself the new iPhone but that is another problem - I had to remind him it was my birthday because he didn't call and I was the one who initiated the chat.  I asked to see a movie when I got home and he said, "Maybe."

When I got home a little before 9pm, I walked into a dirty house with no indication of it being my birthday.  No card, no gift, no note, no nothing.  He wasn't even awake.  He was taking a nap upstairs.  This was his way of getting back at me for not celebrating my birthday with him.  Because my birthday should be all about David.  Logical.

We got in a huge fight because this was the old David.  The distant, selfish, spiteful David.  All my instincts were telling me there was something wrong. 

Noticing he had gone through about 3 tubes of my expensive lotion in 2 days was a big indicator, too.

Today I reviewed our phone bill.  I did not want him to get the iPhone and had told him as much.  He didn't listen.  Within 3 minutes of looking at the bill I saw random phone numbers called and multimedia texts being sent and received to his number.  A good portion of them on my birthday. 

After calling one of the numbers and "Jade" answered I knew what was going on.  These were not coworkers or classmates.  These were sexts with random people.

It took 15 calls to his cell phone before he answered.  He finally admitted that he had been struggling the last month and the iPhone was a very bad idea.  He had been using a computer that was broken (not sure if he got it repaired just for his addiction or if it just started working again).  As we talked I drove to his office.  He recently started another job in finance. 

I pulled in and asked for his cell phone.  He gave it to me and asked if he could sit in the car and talk.  Once the phone was in my hand I drove away.  He had weeks to talk to me and say he needed help and was having weak moments.  Talking opportunities were done.

So this is where we are at:
He has tonight between 7-10 to clean out whatever he wants of his stuff
He is to move out tonight
I have taken him and his cars off of my insurance
I have cancelled his phone number and returned the iPhone
I have changed our homeowners insurance to not cover his personal items
There is a locksmith coming tomorrow morning to change the locks
I have an appointment with the divorce lawyer on Monday
Stopped payment on a check that I had written to him for our taxes (they direct deposited to me and he was going to use the money to start paying down some of his debt).  No small amount $7000 tax return.
Signed up for benefits just for me.  No link to David.
Removed him as the beneficiary on my life insurance
BOUGHT MY OWN BIRTHDAY GIFT.  I had asked for the new Nook and now I have it.

I feel numb and like I am on auto pilot.  And empty.

Things can't get any worse!

This phrase is something that a sex addicts spouse learns to NEVER mutter.  You do it once...you never do it again.

David has been laid off of his job.  Last day is next week.  Good.  Things seemed to have gotten almost non crap-tastic.  Pray that he finds a good job soon.  We have about 4 months of savings...then we have to start selling things. 

I would cry if it all wasn't so damn funny.

Time keeps ticking on....

The hardest thing about this personal addiction is deciding when to start trying to forgive.  And I stress trying.  The strange thing is I never thought about forgiving David until about a month ago.  Long story short is that I went crazy in front of his family and did everything but rehash the details of our problems.  His family is non confrontational which is a major part of our problems.  He escapes rather than deal.  I deal rather than escape.  Hey...opposites attract.

CODA has helped me so much with my problems.  SAA has helped David.  I am not sure what will help us as a couple unless the answer is just time.  I see the few people I have told look at me with pity in thier eyes.  They wonder why I stay with him.  I am still young, attractive and rather intelligent.  Why would I waste my time with this loser?  Why do I love him?  I don't know.

The other day I got picked up at a bar after work but a VERY good looking guy from New York.  Italian, in good shape and heavy with compliments.  I was wearing my ring and he freely told me he was engaged.  Our conversation was witty, sexy and fun.  But at the end of the night when he leaned in for a kiss I felt no spark.  No desire.  I appreciated the ego boost and would have loved to have met him in another time but didn't want more than a hug or a peck on the cheek.  He had no part of my heart.  Only one person does right now.  David.

Obviously my heart is masochistic. 

It is such hard work.  I see glimmers.  We went to couples therapy and our psychologist said he wished all wives were as educated and open as I was.  Ha.  It just took me a year.  And a lot of wine.  David and I do talk a lot.  We are honest.  Honesty sometimes hurts.  He has had a bad day that involved porn and chat rooms.  It was one day and he told me within our weeks understanding.  It hurt.  But not as bad as finding out on my own and him lying about it. 

I know David is trying.  But I feel I am trying harder.  I have got to focus on myself.  If I am not happy I can never be happy with other people.  I have to stop thinking of recovery as a competition.  It is not my job to be better at it than he is.  Avoiding codependency is hard.  Helps me realize what an addiction really is like.

Married to a sex addict

When this addiction touched our lives I realized that even though my therapist said it is the "alcoholism of our generation" there are very little resources on the subject.

One place that helped me was the wonderful blog and resource http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/

Joann is the author and I had submitted my story back in November.  If you have followed this blog you know all the changes since November. 

I do hope that my story will help some and at the very least help people know they are not alone. 

Keep up the great work, Joann!  You are an angel.
Aileen.

All work and no play...

Makes for a dull marriage.  And a dull marriage is a good thing.  We are puttering along and supporting each other but not micro managing each other. 

Don't get me wrong.  It is hard.  Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends.  I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream. 

Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery.  We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything.  We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago.  First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard.  We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts.  It will no longer be an embarrassment. 

As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once.  For 6 weeks that is not awful.  Anger is the cause for both of those statistics.  I am still working very hard on my anger towards David. 

Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years.  I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!" 

Prayers welcomed for her recovery.

Co Dependant

When I joined Cosa the first time I didn't believe I was co-dependant.  Trying to take a good look at my place in this relationship. 

Yep...I may be a bit co dependant.  May be textbook. 

More info see this article.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship