When this addiction touched our lives I realized that even though my therapist said it is the "alcoholism of our generation" there are very little resources on the subject.
One place that helped me was the wonderful blog and resource http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/
Joann is the author and I had submitted my story back in November. If you have followed this blog you know all the changes since November.
I do hope that my story will help some and at the very least help people know they are not alone.
Keep up the great work, Joann! You are an angel.
Aileen.
Showing posts with label Hopeful Posts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hopeful Posts. Show all posts
Monday, July 11, 2011
All work and no play...
Makes for a dull marriage. And a dull marriage is a good thing. We are puttering along and supporting each other but not micro managing each other.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Monday, February 28, 2011
too busy to be a sex addict
We may have found a cure to sex and porn addiction. Work about 130 hours a week. David's job has been so crazy that sleep has to be scheduled and eating tends to get overlooked. I think we found a cure!
The big negatives are that he has missed doctor appointments and SAA meetings due to travel and work. We are doing ok. Thought I would get some time to spend with him this weekend but that didn't happen. No new developments. No new secrets. No relapses that I know about.
No news...good news? Well at least not bad news. Happy March.
The big negatives are that he has missed doctor appointments and SAA meetings due to travel and work. We are doing ok. Thought I would get some time to spend with him this weekend but that didn't happen. No new developments. No new secrets. No relapses that I know about.
No news...good news? Well at least not bad news. Happy March.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Leveling out?
Not sure why but it seems we have both leveled out in the last couple weeks. Two things that I think have helped is that David got a raise so his stress levels about money have dropped and I have been strick with my boundaries (aka rules).
David has also finally seen the Phychiatrist. The doctor diagnosed him as OCD and with Anxiety disorder. They recommended Paxil for him and he has started his dosage a couple days ago and will be full dosage in a couple days.
He told me he feels a little numb but I told him his mind and anxiety has probably been so loud and complicated in his head to not have as much would seem strange. He needs to realize most people can do simple tasks without list making and going through ever scenario.
I have said it before...I wonder what it sounds like in his head. Recap of a strory I think I posted before...but when David was taking a test for grad school he kept scoring lower than all of his practice tests. He finally scored high enough to get accepted at one of his choices but he had already paid for one more test (you could retake it like the SAT). With no pressure or anxiety about this test since he was already accepted he scored 30% higher than any other test he had taken and then got into his first choice school. His anxiety had frozen his potential.
Hopefully all of these items will help.
I have started to get my appetite back. Yesterday for the first time in months I was HUNGRY. I even craved a specific food and it tasted good. I take these all as good signs.
David has also finally seen the Phychiatrist. The doctor diagnosed him as OCD and with Anxiety disorder. They recommended Paxil for him and he has started his dosage a couple days ago and will be full dosage in a couple days.
He told me he feels a little numb but I told him his mind and anxiety has probably been so loud and complicated in his head to not have as much would seem strange. He needs to realize most people can do simple tasks without list making and going through ever scenario.
I have said it before...I wonder what it sounds like in his head. Recap of a strory I think I posted before...but when David was taking a test for grad school he kept scoring lower than all of his practice tests. He finally scored high enough to get accepted at one of his choices but he had already paid for one more test (you could retake it like the SAT). With no pressure or anxiety about this test since he was already accepted he scored 30% higher than any other test he had taken and then got into his first choice school. His anxiety had frozen his potential.
Hopefully all of these items will help.
I have started to get my appetite back. Yesterday for the first time in months I was HUNGRY. I even craved a specific food and it tasted good. I take these all as good signs.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year...New Therapist
Still waiting for David to go to the Psychiatrist and I started going to a new Psychologist. I liked her and she was so calm and understanding so I was surprised when she said that I need to see her weekly.
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas
Just want to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas. Home with my family for a little bit then back to our house for David's family to join us for a little bit. Things have been better but I notice that we both seem to do better when we are busy.
Take care and keep warm everyone!
Take care and keep warm everyone!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
My day in the chair...
Saw my new psychiatrist. I guess new is not the word...never had one before. Saw my first psychiatrist today. Went well. Didn't cry as much as I did when I saw the therapist a couple weeks ago.
I like that he wants to get David into a doctor to deal with his anxiety and SA problems and that it won't be him due to a that being a conflict of interest.
I like that he helped make the session about my healing and then get him help on his own.
I like that he told me it was ok to be un-trusting and snoopy and that will take time to get over.
I like that he made me feel less alone. He said David's problem is becoming more and more common.
I like that from the little he heard about David he agrees that he probably has an anxiety disorder and we are taking the right steps towards getting better.
I like that he didn't assume we will "make it through this".
I also have night terrors (if you don't know what those are in comparison to nightmares go here. I also sleepwalk. I also have a habit of falling asleep in repetitive tasks. So aside from my depression I was a smorgasbord for this doctor.
He said he had never seen an adult with night terrors. My dad also sufferers from them so I figured it was common. From what I have read only about 5% of adults suffer from night terrors. My husband used to use this condition as a way to sleep in other bedroom and avoid time with me at night.
He also gave me the name of a local certified sexual addictions therapist. This one is not on my insurance plan so I am terrified how much it will cost. But maybe if we put a price on healing David will see value in it and invest more in it.
My brain hurts. Have a phone interview today. Gonna zone out for a while before the call.
I like that he wants to get David into a doctor to deal with his anxiety and SA problems and that it won't be him due to a that being a conflict of interest.
I like that he helped make the session about my healing and then get him help on his own.
I like that he told me it was ok to be un-trusting and snoopy and that will take time to get over.
I like that he made me feel less alone. He said David's problem is becoming more and more common.
I like that from the little he heard about David he agrees that he probably has an anxiety disorder and we are taking the right steps towards getting better.
I like that he didn't assume we will "make it through this".
I also have night terrors (if you don't know what those are in comparison to nightmares go here. I also sleepwalk. I also have a habit of falling asleep in repetitive tasks. So aside from my depression I was a smorgasbord for this doctor.
He said he had never seen an adult with night terrors. My dad also sufferers from them so I figured it was common. From what I have read only about 5% of adults suffer from night terrors. My husband used to use this condition as a way to sleep in other bedroom and avoid time with me at night.
He also gave me the name of a local certified sexual addictions therapist. This one is not on my insurance plan so I am terrified how much it will cost. But maybe if we put a price on healing David will see value in it and invest more in it.
My brain hurts. Have a phone interview today. Gonna zone out for a while before the call.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
FINALLY!
David has agreed 100% that he needs to see a psychiatrist and get on something for his anxiety and stress management. I am going to see the doctor for the first time on Tuesday and make sure he can keep the SA aspect of the problem truly confidential. Doctors in the mental health division have to report a general reason for the visit. If David has it listed as an addiction (any type) and it somehow gets back to his company his job would be in jeopardy. And whether we stay together or split up the last thing we need is David to be unemployed.
His current doctor lists his problem as stress management and I am seeing her under his name so that it is easier to file. I know everything medical is supposed to be 100% confidential but companies are also not supposed to hire or fire based on age and it happens all the time. In this economy all it would take is saying there are cut backs and David's job has been eliminated. Just another delightful thing to worry about in our daily lives.
Back to the good news! I am so happy that his is seeking more serious treatment than just a counselor. I like his counselor a lot but David has even said that he thinks she had done all that she can. She also has recommended that his needs to get on some type of medication for anxiety and stress. He agreed. She is also not the kind of doctor that likes to medicate. When I mentioned I had to go on Effexor for the depression with this situation she expressed sadness that I felt I had to medicate myself to deal with the problem.
For him to agree on his own is a big step. David's mother has been on heavy medication most of his life due to manic depression that was aggravated by a family tragedy in the early 80's. It is severe and has led to her being in and out of hospitals, suicide attempts and having to go on disability in her 40's when she could no longer work in the medical field. David has always seen his mother's attempts with different medications as a crazy and unstable time in his life. He doesn't even like to take Tylenol if he has a slight headache.
This is a big step and I am so glad that I am seeing progress.
His current doctor lists his problem as stress management and I am seeing her under his name so that it is easier to file. I know everything medical is supposed to be 100% confidential but companies are also not supposed to hire or fire based on age and it happens all the time. In this economy all it would take is saying there are cut backs and David's job has been eliminated. Just another delightful thing to worry about in our daily lives.
Back to the good news! I am so happy that his is seeking more serious treatment than just a counselor. I like his counselor a lot but David has even said that he thinks she had done all that she can. She also has recommended that his needs to get on some type of medication for anxiety and stress. He agreed. She is also not the kind of doctor that likes to medicate. When I mentioned I had to go on Effexor for the depression with this situation she expressed sadness that I felt I had to medicate myself to deal with the problem.
For him to agree on his own is a big step. David's mother has been on heavy medication most of his life due to manic depression that was aggravated by a family tragedy in the early 80's. It is severe and has led to her being in and out of hospitals, suicide attempts and having to go on disability in her 40's when she could no longer work in the medical field. David has always seen his mother's attempts with different medications as a crazy and unstable time in his life. He doesn't even like to take Tylenol if he has a slight headache.
This is a big step and I am so glad that I am seeing progress.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sexually Anorexic?
Sometime I feel surfing the net for help is a good thing but like anything else it can make someone a bit paranoid. I have been reading one of the other blogs that help me (see right) and saw a posting on sexual anorexia. Her husband became anorexic when he was acting out-that is 12 step talk for getting back into his addiction of porn and sex. My husband David was starting to do this near the time I found out everything. Literally the night before I found his secret online life I asked him to have sex and he said "No! And now you know how it feels to be rejected." He then proceeded to go online and go into chat rooms for hours while I went to bed.
But there is another concern about sexual anorexia. Did I have it? DO I have it? Here is a little information on it...
From the article: Sexual Anorexia: A New Paradigm for Hyposexual Desire Disorder by Dr. Douglas Weiss
1. Withholding love from primary partner. In this facet of sexual anorexia they actively withhold their feelings and behaviors of love from their partner. Partners of anorexics often state not feeling important or loved. Withholding may be only at home with their partner while publicly they may behave affectionately toward their partner.
2. Withholding praise or appreciation from their partner. Withholding praise or appreciation can be done consciously or unconsciously. When presented with this behavioral characteristic most sexual anorexics and their partners will acknowledge the behavior truth of this lack of ongoing, void of praise and appreciation.
3. Controlling by silence or anger. The sexual anorexic that is confronted by life issues to come close to their partner and deal with an issue or feeling will often resist this process vehemently. The two most common dynamics employed is total shut down i.e. leaves, go to another room, watch television avoidance or anger.
4. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism that causes isolation. The anorexic will push away their partner using criticism especially if the are headed toward emotional or sexual intimacy. This can be an ongoing experience for the couple where one partner is sexual anorexic.
5. Withholding sex from the partner. The anorexic will stay in control of the sexual relationship by: refusing to initiate sex, saying no to the sexual advance, makes the partner initiate the majority of sexual advances. Anorexics may also make sexual encounters emotionally void or unpleasant so the partner will not want to have further sexual encounters. This lack of sexual initiative and activity is the clearest symptom to evaluate in the initial intake process.
6. Unwillingness to discuss feelings with partner. The anorexic withholds emotional intimacy. This unwillingness to discuss feelings may be localized to the primary partner or global to all relationships. This withholding is active in the anorexic relationship style and is important for clinical intervention.
7. Staying so busy that the anorexic has little to no relational time for the partner. This busyness may take the form of hobbies, political or religious pursuits, children’s activities or can be as passive as watching television for hours a day. The anorexic rarely initiates long periods of alone time alone only with their partner. i.e. no romantic weekends or vacations without friends and family members.
8. Making any issues in the relationship the partner’s problem before owning any of the issue. Blaming the partner consistently is a characteristic of anorexia. A core motivation of the anorexic is to keep the perfect picture. Apologies for anorexics tend to be slow in coming as well.
These items are so close to my life that it shocked me when I read them. David has even said that I never compliment him. I don't. He is a good looking guy and always tries to take care of himself. I think I feel that if I compliment him I give him power and that power could make him leave me. If I beat him down a little and make him feel less desirable then he will love me more, appreciate me more, and stay with me longer.
YES YES...I know it is messed up but it is kinda like in the movies where the looser starts treating the hot girl bad and she falls for him. Messed up but how I have been behaving for years.
I am not saying that I am the cause of my husbands addiction at all. I am just saying that this may have been a reason that it took so long for me to figure out something was horribly wrong.
Part of all the co addict help groups I have been working with have said that you have to heal yourself and let the addict also heal himself. It is not my job to cure David. But this is something that I can work on.
My goals to help me connect with David and possibly help my Sexual Anorexia (if that is what I have and if it is a real thing)
1. 2 compliments to him a day preferably not about his SA treatment.
2. Be there for him-there are times he asks me to just hang out near him when he is fixing something or painting and usually I decline and watch a movie or read. That needs to change.
3. Tell him I love him when I feel love for him and not do it just to hear him say it back.
4. My favorite mode of distancing myself if the silent treatment. Again, this has to stop. All the silent treatment does is prolong the fight and the resolution. BUT BOY I AM GOOD AT THE SILENT TREATMENT!!!!
5. I need to watch my sarcastic digs. I was just talking about this with a new friend last night. We are both sarcastic people and get each others jokes but neither of our significant others do. My jokes have become a way that I can injure David without feeling guilty because it's just a joke. But to him they are insults.
6. Doing things he wants to do. Sometimes I feel if he gets to do what he wants to do for fun (he picks the movie, he picks the vacation, he picks the restaurant) I feel like he somehow is winning. This is love not a competition.
7. And finally, working on more sex is gonna be a toughie due to our other situation. If this was the only problem it would be WAY higher on the list. I like sex. I find my husband very sexy. But I will try to make myself more open to the possibility of more sex as we get better.
But there is another concern about sexual anorexia. Did I have it? DO I have it? Here is a little information on it...
From the article: Sexual Anorexia: A New Paradigm for Hyposexual Desire Disorder by Dr. Douglas Weiss
1. Withholding love from primary partner. In this facet of sexual anorexia they actively withhold their feelings and behaviors of love from their partner. Partners of anorexics often state not feeling important or loved. Withholding may be only at home with their partner while publicly they may behave affectionately toward their partner.
2. Withholding praise or appreciation from their partner. Withholding praise or appreciation can be done consciously or unconsciously. When presented with this behavioral characteristic most sexual anorexics and their partners will acknowledge the behavior truth of this lack of ongoing, void of praise and appreciation.
3. Controlling by silence or anger. The sexual anorexic that is confronted by life issues to come close to their partner and deal with an issue or feeling will often resist this process vehemently. The two most common dynamics employed is total shut down i.e. leaves, go to another room, watch television avoidance or anger.
4. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism that causes isolation. The anorexic will push away their partner using criticism especially if the are headed toward emotional or sexual intimacy. This can be an ongoing experience for the couple where one partner is sexual anorexic.
5. Withholding sex from the partner. The anorexic will stay in control of the sexual relationship by: refusing to initiate sex, saying no to the sexual advance, makes the partner initiate the majority of sexual advances. Anorexics may also make sexual encounters emotionally void or unpleasant so the partner will not want to have further sexual encounters. This lack of sexual initiative and activity is the clearest symptom to evaluate in the initial intake process.
6. Unwillingness to discuss feelings with partner. The anorexic withholds emotional intimacy. This unwillingness to discuss feelings may be localized to the primary partner or global to all relationships. This withholding is active in the anorexic relationship style and is important for clinical intervention.
7. Staying so busy that the anorexic has little to no relational time for the partner. This busyness may take the form of hobbies, political or religious pursuits, children’s activities or can be as passive as watching television for hours a day. The anorexic rarely initiates long periods of alone time alone only with their partner. i.e. no romantic weekends or vacations without friends and family members.
8. Making any issues in the relationship the partner’s problem before owning any of the issue. Blaming the partner consistently is a characteristic of anorexia. A core motivation of the anorexic is to keep the perfect picture. Apologies for anorexics tend to be slow in coming as well.
These items are so close to my life that it shocked me when I read them. David has even said that I never compliment him. I don't. He is a good looking guy and always tries to take care of himself. I think I feel that if I compliment him I give him power and that power could make him leave me. If I beat him down a little and make him feel less desirable then he will love me more, appreciate me more, and stay with me longer.
YES YES...I know it is messed up but it is kinda like in the movies where the looser starts treating the hot girl bad and she falls for him. Messed up but how I have been behaving for years.
I am not saying that I am the cause of my husbands addiction at all. I am just saying that this may have been a reason that it took so long for me to figure out something was horribly wrong.
Part of all the co addict help groups I have been working with have said that you have to heal yourself and let the addict also heal himself. It is not my job to cure David. But this is something that I can work on.
My goals to help me connect with David and possibly help my Sexual Anorexia (if that is what I have and if it is a real thing)
1. 2 compliments to him a day preferably not about his SA treatment.
2. Be there for him-there are times he asks me to just hang out near him when he is fixing something or painting and usually I decline and watch a movie or read. That needs to change.
3. Tell him I love him when I feel love for him and not do it just to hear him say it back.
4. My favorite mode of distancing myself if the silent treatment. Again, this has to stop. All the silent treatment does is prolong the fight and the resolution. BUT BOY I AM GOOD AT THE SILENT TREATMENT!!!!
5. I need to watch my sarcastic digs. I was just talking about this with a new friend last night. We are both sarcastic people and get each others jokes but neither of our significant others do. My jokes have become a way that I can injure David without feeling guilty because it's just a joke. But to him they are insults.
6. Doing things he wants to do. Sometimes I feel if he gets to do what he wants to do for fun (he picks the movie, he picks the vacation, he picks the restaurant) I feel like he somehow is winning. This is love not a competition.
7. And finally, working on more sex is gonna be a toughie due to our other situation. If this was the only problem it would be WAY higher on the list. I like sex. I find my husband very sexy. But I will try to make myself more open to the possibility of more sex as we get better.
Monday, December 6, 2010
*this weekend
This seemed to be a big enough of an event to have its' own post. David and I had sex for the first time since the sex addiction discovery about a month ago. I am sure that he has missed sex since before he had never seemed to get enough (another clue I overlooked). But what surprised me the most is that I missed sex, too.
It was sweeter than many of our sexual encounters. Usually I felt like he is selfish with sex and is just getting a fix. Sometime I feel like sex with David is just so he can get his high and has nothing to do with me.
This was more like sex when we were still dating. Passion instead of lust. I was concerned that now that we have started that part of our life again he would start asking for it every second like before but he hasn't. I think he realized that that event was a HUGE step for me and to not rush things and not take for granted that it will happen anytime again soon. When we have a connection like we did this weekend it will probably happen again. If not...there will be a gap for a while.
It was sweeter than many of our sexual encounters. Usually I felt like he is selfish with sex and is just getting a fix. Sometime I feel like sex with David is just so he can get his high and has nothing to do with me.
This was more like sex when we were still dating. Passion instead of lust. I was concerned that now that we have started that part of our life again he would start asking for it every second like before but he hasn't. I think he realized that that event was a HUGE step for me and to not rush things and not take for granted that it will happen anytime again soon. When we have a connection like we did this weekend it will probably happen again. If not...there will be a gap for a while.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Birthday
Today is David's birthday. Yesterday he had therapy and tomorrow he is going to his first SAA meeting. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go but will do it for me. He has always had a huge fear of the unknown and this is another huge unknown. I am working on not hounding him about his recovery. It is hard and last night he had to work some from home on his lap top and even though it is his work laptop and they monitor everything he does and I know he wouldn't risk anything to loose his job it still made me very nervous to see him on a computer. I could tell he saw it in my eyes because he told me he just needed to send a work email and did everything in front of me.
We are getting into a rhythm and it feels better. I was really scared that he would postpone his therapy session yesterday. He didn't tell me if he went and I know he has been very busy at work. Trying not to be a co-addict I refrained from asking him until right before bed. I just asked if he saw his therapist and he said yes. I didn't ask any more and he didn't volunteer anything else.
If he has been honest with me I feel I know everything about his sexual addiction that I need to know. Asking for details just makes him feel more guilty and hurts me more. I can't change the past and reliving it is like scraping off a scab.
Saturday and his SAA meeting will be a big step. I hope to God that he sees the benefit. I know 12 step programs don't work for everyone but I want him to see that other people with this problem are "normal" like he is. As someone else mentioned in his blog I think that problems with SA will explode in the next couple years.
We are getting into a rhythm and it feels better. I was really scared that he would postpone his therapy session yesterday. He didn't tell me if he went and I know he has been very busy at work. Trying not to be a co-addict I refrained from asking him until right before bed. I just asked if he saw his therapist and he said yes. I didn't ask any more and he didn't volunteer anything else.
If he has been honest with me I feel I know everything about his sexual addiction that I need to know. Asking for details just makes him feel more guilty and hurts me more. I can't change the past and reliving it is like scraping off a scab.
Saturday and his SAA meeting will be a big step. I hope to God that he sees the benefit. I know 12 step programs don't work for everyone but I want him to see that other people with this problem are "normal" like he is. As someone else mentioned in his blog I think that problems with SA will explode in the next couple years.
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