I have said it before. It is less the act of the chat rooms and porn and more the lies and deceit. The lack of respect is part of it, too. A little over one year into this struggle I have found David deep in his addiction once again. He had been acting distant and extremely sensitive. There was nothing I could do that was right. He was doing little things (sometimes big things) to get "even" with me. Sunday was my 35th birthday and I was out of town Saturday and most of Sunday to see a football game. That morning when we texted - oh by the way he bought himself the new iPhone but that is another problem - I had to remind him it was my birthday because he didn't call and I was the one who initiated the chat. I asked to see a movie when I got home and he said, "Maybe."
When I got home a little before 9pm, I walked into a dirty house with no indication of it being my birthday. No card, no gift, no note, no nothing. He wasn't even awake. He was taking a nap upstairs. This was his way of getting back at me for not celebrating my birthday with him. Because my birthday should be all about David. Logical.
We got in a huge fight because this was the old David. The distant, selfish, spiteful David. All my instincts were telling me there was something wrong.
Noticing he had gone through about 3 tubes of my expensive lotion in 2 days was a big indicator, too.
Today I reviewed our phone bill. I did not want him to get the iPhone and had told him as much. He didn't listen. Within 3 minutes of looking at the bill I saw random phone numbers called and multimedia texts being sent and received to his number. A good portion of them on my birthday.
After calling one of the numbers and "Jade" answered I knew what was going on. These were not coworkers or classmates. These were sexts with random people.
It took 15 calls to his cell phone before he answered. He finally admitted that he had been struggling the last month and the iPhone was a very bad idea. He had been using a computer that was broken (not sure if he got it repaired just for his addiction or if it just started working again). As we talked I drove to his office. He recently started another job in finance.
I pulled in and asked for his cell phone. He gave it to me and asked if he could sit in the car and talk. Once the phone was in my hand I drove away. He had weeks to talk to me and say he needed help and was having weak moments. Talking opportunities were done.
So this is where we are at:
He has tonight between 7-10 to clean out whatever he wants of his stuff
He is to move out tonight
I have taken him and his cars off of my insurance
I have cancelled his phone number and returned the iPhone
I have changed our homeowners insurance to not cover his personal items
There is a locksmith coming tomorrow morning to change the locks
I have an appointment with the divorce lawyer on Monday
Stopped payment on a check that I had written to him for our taxes (they direct deposited to me and he was going to use the money to start paying down some of his debt). No small amount $7000 tax return.
Signed up for benefits just for me. No link to David.
Removed him as the beneficiary on my life insurance
BOUGHT MY OWN BIRTHDAY GIFT. I had asked for the new Nook and now I have it.
I feel numb and like I am on auto pilot. And empty.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Things can't get any worse!
This phrase is something that a sex addicts spouse learns to NEVER mutter. You do it once...you never do it again.
David has been laid off of his job. Last day is next week. Good. Things seemed to have gotten almost non crap-tastic. Pray that he finds a good job soon. We have about 4 months of savings...then we have to start selling things.
I would cry if it all wasn't so damn funny.
David has been laid off of his job. Last day is next week. Good. Things seemed to have gotten almost non crap-tastic. Pray that he finds a good job soon. We have about 4 months of savings...then we have to start selling things.
I would cry if it all wasn't so damn funny.
Time keeps ticking on....
The hardest thing about this personal addiction is deciding when to start trying to forgive. And I stress trying. The strange thing is I never thought about forgiving David until about a month ago. Long story short is that I went crazy in front of his family and did everything but rehash the details of our problems. His family is non confrontational which is a major part of our problems. He escapes rather than deal. I deal rather than escape. Hey...opposites attract.
CODA has helped me so much with my problems. SAA has helped David. I am not sure what will help us as a couple unless the answer is just time. I see the few people I have told look at me with pity in thier eyes. They wonder why I stay with him. I am still young, attractive and rather intelligent. Why would I waste my time with this loser? Why do I love him? I don't know.
The other day I got picked up at a bar after work but a VERY good looking guy from New York. Italian, in good shape and heavy with compliments. I was wearing my ring and he freely told me he was engaged. Our conversation was witty, sexy and fun. But at the end of the night when he leaned in for a kiss I felt no spark. No desire. I appreciated the ego boost and would have loved to have met him in another time but didn't want more than a hug or a peck on the cheek. He had no part of my heart. Only one person does right now. David.
Obviously my heart is masochistic.
It is such hard work. I see glimmers. We went to couples therapy and our psychologist said he wished all wives were as educated and open as I was. Ha. It just took me a year. And a lot of wine. David and I do talk a lot. We are honest. Honesty sometimes hurts. He has had a bad day that involved porn and chat rooms. It was one day and he told me within our weeks understanding. It hurt. But not as bad as finding out on my own and him lying about it.
I know David is trying. But I feel I am trying harder. I have got to focus on myself. If I am not happy I can never be happy with other people. I have to stop thinking of recovery as a competition. It is not my job to be better at it than he is. Avoiding codependency is hard. Helps me realize what an addiction really is like.
CODA has helped me so much with my problems. SAA has helped David. I am not sure what will help us as a couple unless the answer is just time. I see the few people I have told look at me with pity in thier eyes. They wonder why I stay with him. I am still young, attractive and rather intelligent. Why would I waste my time with this loser? Why do I love him? I don't know.
The other day I got picked up at a bar after work but a VERY good looking guy from New York. Italian, in good shape and heavy with compliments. I was wearing my ring and he freely told me he was engaged. Our conversation was witty, sexy and fun. But at the end of the night when he leaned in for a kiss I felt no spark. No desire. I appreciated the ego boost and would have loved to have met him in another time but didn't want more than a hug or a peck on the cheek. He had no part of my heart. Only one person does right now. David.
Obviously my heart is masochistic.
It is such hard work. I see glimmers. We went to couples therapy and our psychologist said he wished all wives were as educated and open as I was. Ha. It just took me a year. And a lot of wine. David and I do talk a lot. We are honest. Honesty sometimes hurts. He has had a bad day that involved porn and chat rooms. It was one day and he told me within our weeks understanding. It hurt. But not as bad as finding out on my own and him lying about it.
I know David is trying. But I feel I am trying harder. I have got to focus on myself. If I am not happy I can never be happy with other people. I have to stop thinking of recovery as a competition. It is not my job to be better at it than he is. Avoiding codependency is hard. Helps me realize what an addiction really is like.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Married to a sex addict
When this addiction touched our lives I realized that even though my therapist said it is the "alcoholism of our generation" there are very little resources on the subject.
One place that helped me was the wonderful blog and resource http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/
Joann is the author and I had submitted my story back in November. If you have followed this blog you know all the changes since November.
I do hope that my story will help some and at the very least help people know they are not alone.
Keep up the great work, Joann! You are an angel.
Aileen.
One place that helped me was the wonderful blog and resource http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/
Joann is the author and I had submitted my story back in November. If you have followed this blog you know all the changes since November.
I do hope that my story will help some and at the very least help people know they are not alone.
Keep up the great work, Joann! You are an angel.
Aileen.
All work and no play...
Makes for a dull marriage. And a dull marriage is a good thing. We are puttering along and supporting each other but not micro managing each other.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Co Dependant
When I joined Cosa the first time I didn't believe I was co-dependant. Trying to take a good look at my place in this relationship.
Yep...I may be a bit co dependant. May be textbook.
More info see this article.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Yep...I may be a bit co dependant. May be textbook.
More info see this article.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Friday, June 3, 2011
Why...
There are 3 reasons I do this blog...
1) An anonymous way to vent without having to burden friends or family. None of the names on this blog are our real names and nothing is specific enough to divulge where we live.
2) As a record of how this journey will play out.
3) So that other partners of SA's won't feel as alone as I did.
When this problem first happened to us I thought I was a big part of the problem. The "what if I had" question popped into my brain constantly.
Then I felt I could control the situation and control David's recover. Yes, I am a controlling person and that is something I am working hard to overcome.
Now I realize that with the amount of SAA meetings in the area and state I understand that this is not a small problem only happening to us. This is the alcoholism of our day. It is shameful, it is hidden and it is not understood. I doubt I will ever understand.
That is why I am here. And that is why I don't delete comments or questions. Everyone has their own journey.
1) An anonymous way to vent without having to burden friends or family. None of the names on this blog are our real names and nothing is specific enough to divulge where we live.
2) As a record of how this journey will play out.
3) So that other partners of SA's won't feel as alone as I did.
When this problem first happened to us I thought I was a big part of the problem. The "what if I had" question popped into my brain constantly.
Then I felt I could control the situation and control David's recover. Yes, I am a controlling person and that is something I am working hard to overcome.
Now I realize that with the amount of SAA meetings in the area and state I understand that this is not a small problem only happening to us. This is the alcoholism of our day. It is shameful, it is hidden and it is not understood. I doubt I will ever understand.
That is why I am here. And that is why I don't delete comments or questions. Everyone has their own journey.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Visit to the Divorce Lawyer
Yesterday was a hard day. I did something I always hoped would never happen. Even when I first found out about David's addiction I hoped that a lawyer visit would not be part of our recovery.
Visited a divorce lawyer to work on the separation agreement. In our state you have to be separated for 12 months before you can file for dissolution.
What a lot of people do is get a separation agreement that goes over what is done with what during the separation and then what happens after the divorce. If you don't agree before the divorce is filed you then let the courts decide.
Since this is not a clear case of adultery it is a bit stickier but due to the long history of email and chat and phone records I have and the fact that this was him messing up his second chance I have a good case to get what I want in the divorce and separation.
I am suffering from "indignities" and that is grounds for divorce.
I want to get all of our terms on paper not only to protect me and my sanity...also to get it done before David's guilt goes away or he gets caught up in the whole "this isn't my fault, I have a disease!" bullshit.
Oh by the way...our 5th anniversary was last week. Great.
Visited a divorce lawyer to work on the separation agreement. In our state you have to be separated for 12 months before you can file for dissolution.
What a lot of people do is get a separation agreement that goes over what is done with what during the separation and then what happens after the divorce. If you don't agree before the divorce is filed you then let the courts decide.
Since this is not a clear case of adultery it is a bit stickier but due to the long history of email and chat and phone records I have and the fact that this was him messing up his second chance I have a good case to get what I want in the divorce and separation.
I am suffering from "indignities" and that is grounds for divorce.
I want to get all of our terms on paper not only to protect me and my sanity...also to get it done before David's guilt goes away or he gets caught up in the whole "this isn't my fault, I have a disease!" bullshit.
Oh by the way...our 5th anniversary was last week. Great.
"Maybe it is you"
My last post got a very interesting comment. Essentially the person asked if maybe David's addiction was due to our lack of sex life. It was almost as if I went back in time and asked myself the question.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Relapse and Separation
I will post more details later but long story short is that I found out David had started online chatting with misc. women again.
Not only has he started again he:
1. Didn't come to me or do anything to get help.
2. Contacted some of the same people and used the same verbiage (22/m/FL) On here chatting because I can't sleep :)
3. Has been doing it since mid March.
I got 104 days of him not relapsing.
So not only did I find out I:
1. Tossed all of his clothing, toiletries, shoes out on the driveway.
2. Called an attny to start the separation process.
3. Used money that I was saving for a nice piece of furniture for our house (OUR HOUSE) to go get Botox.
Time to work on me and get back into COSA. Hindsight is showing me how much I let him get away with and how little I protected myself. He is not my problem right now.
I thought I was in shock...Wasn't that weepy...but now after an amazing weekend with dear friends, I think I am finally establishing so peace in my life. I am putting my mental health first and I already feel better.
Also...not much appetite loss. On that note...gonna go eat some mac n cheese and call it a night!
Not only has he started again he:
1. Didn't come to me or do anything to get help.
2. Contacted some of the same people and used the same verbiage (22/m/FL) On here chatting because I can't sleep :)
3. Has been doing it since mid March.
I got 104 days of him not relapsing.
So not only did I find out I:
1. Tossed all of his clothing, toiletries, shoes out on the driveway.
2. Called an attny to start the separation process.
3. Used money that I was saving for a nice piece of furniture for our house (OUR HOUSE) to go get Botox.
Time to work on me and get back into COSA. Hindsight is showing me how much I let him get away with and how little I protected myself. He is not my problem right now.
I thought I was in shock...Wasn't that weepy...but now after an amazing weekend with dear friends, I think I am finally establishing so peace in my life. I am putting my mental health first and I already feel better.
Also...not much appetite loss. On that note...gonna go eat some mac n cheese and call it a night!
Wool over the eyes
Things seemed good. Not great but good. Still having money fights but I thought it was his OCD taking hold in a different place. Anything is better than were it was taking hold.
Thought he was taking his medication and doing his best to make meetings.
Thought: WOW we over 6 months without a relapse.
Thouht we may have just beaten this thing.
David had pulled the wool over both of our eyes. He relapsed.
Thought he was taking his medication and doing his best to make meetings.
Thought: WOW we over 6 months without a relapse.
Thouht we may have just beaten this thing.
David had pulled the wool over both of our eyes. He relapsed.
Monday, March 21, 2011
March update
The good news: from what I know and what I have seen David has not had a relapse with his porn or sex addiction. I got a full time job offer that I accepted.
The bad: David has become obsessed with money and "one upping" me.
The ugly: The constant bickering over money and David's need to be the center of attention has cased me to bring back the reality that we are still not at the point to deal with fights over little things.
I am working on not stewing in my own anger. When he finally pushed me over the edge with the one upping ("You think YOU had a bad day!!!") and money nit picking ("why did you deposit this check instead of giving it to me? That was MY $100.") I simply told him that this needs to change. And I KNOW that we are still working on him realizing when he hurts me and me trusting him again. My boundary (RULE) that I set with him is that every time he does those actions I get to write a $50 check from his account to my account. I do know money affects him and I am not sure if that worked or the fact that I made it purely BLACK and WHITE what I was mad about and what he needed to stop and what would happen if he didn't. Like a child.
All I know is that I am really gun shy right now and it seems every time I get a little comfortable with us I have a new behavior to stop.
I visited friends this weekend and discussed our problems minus the sex and porn addiction. Saying it all out loud was really sad. We haven't even gotten to the point in therapy when they feel we can handle being together during the sessions.
Silver lining: I will have money of my own again and my car just got paid off. I will finally feel a little less trapped by the situation and hopefully David will feel the possibility of loosing me. This is hard to say but I just feel I need a break from him for a while. Glad I have a trip out of town in a couple weeks. For the first time I NEED a vacation. I need to forget my everyday life. It is exhausting.
Second Silver Lining: Appetite is better. Sweets-especially chocolate-still doesn't taste right. Honestly most things don't but sweets are way off in flavor.
The bad: David has become obsessed with money and "one upping" me.
The ugly: The constant bickering over money and David's need to be the center of attention has cased me to bring back the reality that we are still not at the point to deal with fights over little things.
I am working on not stewing in my own anger. When he finally pushed me over the edge with the one upping ("You think YOU had a bad day!!!") and money nit picking ("why did you deposit this check instead of giving it to me? That was MY $100.") I simply told him that this needs to change. And I KNOW that we are still working on him realizing when he hurts me and me trusting him again. My boundary (RULE) that I set with him is that every time he does those actions I get to write a $50 check from his account to my account. I do know money affects him and I am not sure if that worked or the fact that I made it purely BLACK and WHITE what I was mad about and what he needed to stop and what would happen if he didn't. Like a child.
All I know is that I am really gun shy right now and it seems every time I get a little comfortable with us I have a new behavior to stop.
I visited friends this weekend and discussed our problems minus the sex and porn addiction. Saying it all out loud was really sad. We haven't even gotten to the point in therapy when they feel we can handle being together during the sessions.
Silver lining: I will have money of my own again and my car just got paid off. I will finally feel a little less trapped by the situation and hopefully David will feel the possibility of loosing me. This is hard to say but I just feel I need a break from him for a while. Glad I have a trip out of town in a couple weeks. For the first time I NEED a vacation. I need to forget my everyday life. It is exhausting.
Second Silver Lining: Appetite is better. Sweets-especially chocolate-still doesn't taste right. Honestly most things don't but sweets are way off in flavor.
Monday, February 28, 2011
too busy to be a sex addict
We may have found a cure to sex and porn addiction. Work about 130 hours a week. David's job has been so crazy that sleep has to be scheduled and eating tends to get overlooked. I think we found a cure!
The big negatives are that he has missed doctor appointments and SAA meetings due to travel and work. We are doing ok. Thought I would get some time to spend with him this weekend but that didn't happen. No new developments. No new secrets. No relapses that I know about.
No news...good news? Well at least not bad news. Happy March.
The big negatives are that he has missed doctor appointments and SAA meetings due to travel and work. We are doing ok. Thought I would get some time to spend with him this weekend but that didn't happen. No new developments. No new secrets. No relapses that I know about.
No news...good news? Well at least not bad news. Happy March.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Leveling out?
Not sure why but it seems we have both leveled out in the last couple weeks. Two things that I think have helped is that David got a raise so his stress levels about money have dropped and I have been strick with my boundaries (aka rules).
David has also finally seen the Phychiatrist. The doctor diagnosed him as OCD and with Anxiety disorder. They recommended Paxil for him and he has started his dosage a couple days ago and will be full dosage in a couple days.
He told me he feels a little numb but I told him his mind and anxiety has probably been so loud and complicated in his head to not have as much would seem strange. He needs to realize most people can do simple tasks without list making and going through ever scenario.
I have said it before...I wonder what it sounds like in his head. Recap of a strory I think I posted before...but when David was taking a test for grad school he kept scoring lower than all of his practice tests. He finally scored high enough to get accepted at one of his choices but he had already paid for one more test (you could retake it like the SAT). With no pressure or anxiety about this test since he was already accepted he scored 30% higher than any other test he had taken and then got into his first choice school. His anxiety had frozen his potential.
Hopefully all of these items will help.
I have started to get my appetite back. Yesterday for the first time in months I was HUNGRY. I even craved a specific food and it tasted good. I take these all as good signs.
David has also finally seen the Phychiatrist. The doctor diagnosed him as OCD and with Anxiety disorder. They recommended Paxil for him and he has started his dosage a couple days ago and will be full dosage in a couple days.
He told me he feels a little numb but I told him his mind and anxiety has probably been so loud and complicated in his head to not have as much would seem strange. He needs to realize most people can do simple tasks without list making and going through ever scenario.
I have said it before...I wonder what it sounds like in his head. Recap of a strory I think I posted before...but when David was taking a test for grad school he kept scoring lower than all of his practice tests. He finally scored high enough to get accepted at one of his choices but he had already paid for one more test (you could retake it like the SAT). With no pressure or anxiety about this test since he was already accepted he scored 30% higher than any other test he had taken and then got into his first choice school. His anxiety had frozen his potential.
Hopefully all of these items will help.
I have started to get my appetite back. Yesterday for the first time in months I was HUNGRY. I even craved a specific food and it tasted good. I take these all as good signs.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Do I,,,,
deserve this?
want this?
want to deal with this situation anymore?
feel he is worth it?
want to put our relationship before my well being?
worry more about our debts than the real problem?
think he is worth it?
understand his problem?
feel he is trying enough?
love him enough?
We will find out soon enough.
want this?
want to deal with this situation anymore?
feel he is worth it?
want to put our relationship before my well being?
worry more about our debts than the real problem?
think he is worth it?
understand his problem?
feel he is trying enough?
love him enough?
We will find out soon enough.
The first Psych visit for David
It finally happened. Just a mere 3 months since the discovery David finally made it to a phychiatrist appointment to discuss drug options for someone in his position. The place we are going assign you to a drug person (psychiatrist) and a therapist (psychologist) and neither of us go to the same person. David was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD. Both items have a problem with escapism and some of the people turn to addictions like drugs, drinking or other addictions like porn or sex. He has started Paxil yesterday and I hope it helps. I do feel he needs an antidepressant too but I am not his doctor.
I let him miss SAA this week due to a wicked cold that he had been battling all week. It seemed to help but his logic was that if he has therapy he shouldn't have to go to SAA. TO me that is as logical as a fish on a bicycle. Being sick is a good reason. He has been running a fever and been very congested. When he is well...SAA is not an option.
I have been in limbo land as well. I plan on going on a cruise with a friend to Mexico in April and am not sharing this info with David. He doesn't understand that I need these things to help keep me focused on fun things and not focus on the negative. We are still taking it day by day.
Today I found out a friend of mine that was dealing with a separation with her husband found out that her husband was sleeping with one of his teachers from his part time college. I do believe if you think something is going something probably is going on. Same thing is happening with my neighbor. She is going through with the separation from her husband after 17 years of marriage and I told her that there is a way to check texts and even email texts but she doesn't want to know. Were were live is a kind of a no fault state.
If anything ever happens with David and I, it would be interesting to see if my info on him will keep it a "no fault" state.
I have a temp job next week and I have decided not to tell David about it. I will make about 500 bucks and I want them to be mine. Not going to pay off his car or our car insurance or cc bill. Remember his are all paid off. Good for him.
Deep down I am noticing that he is working as hard as he knows how to make this relationship work. Ironically my thin body makes him more attractive to me than ever. But knowing where my body came from doesn't make me like my body. I am about 105 now and do have to force feed myself. I do better if I can eat with friends or family. Left alone I never eat.
Another thing that I have started to do is take an extra $20 out of every time I buy groceries and put it in my own checking account. I figure if I do this every week I am adding almost 2000 a year to my checking that David has not idea about. I need to start looking out for me first. I deep down know I need to TRUST David but even deeper deeper down I know I need to PROTECT me. I used to always keep a thousand in cash as an escape route. I do thing all people (girls or guys) should have this as a way to leave if you want to at anytime. I don't have this now but I am starting to rebuild it. Even if this takes 20 bucks at a time.
No luck on the job front. 13 years of sales experience and I am like a leper. Hopefully someone soon will realize my ability. Till them I will try to make a stash for myself on my own. Some Days I Hate David. This evening is one of them.
I found the perfect valentines day card for him. It says:
"Even though you are the biggest pain in the Ass I still love you".
Perfect. It is supposed to be funny and ironic. In my case it is serious and not ironic.
How Ironic.
I let him miss SAA this week due to a wicked cold that he had been battling all week. It seemed to help but his logic was that if he has therapy he shouldn't have to go to SAA. TO me that is as logical as a fish on a bicycle. Being sick is a good reason. He has been running a fever and been very congested. When he is well...SAA is not an option.
I have been in limbo land as well. I plan on going on a cruise with a friend to Mexico in April and am not sharing this info with David. He doesn't understand that I need these things to help keep me focused on fun things and not focus on the negative. We are still taking it day by day.
Today I found out a friend of mine that was dealing with a separation with her husband found out that her husband was sleeping with one of his teachers from his part time college. I do believe if you think something is going something probably is going on. Same thing is happening with my neighbor. She is going through with the separation from her husband after 17 years of marriage and I told her that there is a way to check texts and even email texts but she doesn't want to know. Were were live is a kind of a no fault state.
If anything ever happens with David and I, it would be interesting to see if my info on him will keep it a "no fault" state.
I have a temp job next week and I have decided not to tell David about it. I will make about 500 bucks and I want them to be mine. Not going to pay off his car or our car insurance or cc bill. Remember his are all paid off. Good for him.
Deep down I am noticing that he is working as hard as he knows how to make this relationship work. Ironically my thin body makes him more attractive to me than ever. But knowing where my body came from doesn't make me like my body. I am about 105 now and do have to force feed myself. I do better if I can eat with friends or family. Left alone I never eat.
Another thing that I have started to do is take an extra $20 out of every time I buy groceries and put it in my own checking account. I figure if I do this every week I am adding almost 2000 a year to my checking that David has not idea about. I need to start looking out for me first. I deep down know I need to TRUST David but even deeper deeper down I know I need to PROTECT me. I used to always keep a thousand in cash as an escape route. I do thing all people (girls or guys) should have this as a way to leave if you want to at anytime. I don't have this now but I am starting to rebuild it. Even if this takes 20 bucks at a time.
No luck on the job front. 13 years of sales experience and I am like a leper. Hopefully someone soon will realize my ability. Till them I will try to make a stash for myself on my own. Some Days I Hate David. This evening is one of them.
I found the perfect valentines day card for him. It says:
"Even though you are the biggest pain in the Ass I still love you".
Perfect. It is supposed to be funny and ironic. In my case it is serious and not ironic.
How Ironic.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Limbo Land
We are stuck in a place I am calling Limbo Land. Nothing is getting better but nothing is getting worse. We are dealing with trust issues and the funny thing is that it is more David not trusting me than me not trusting David. He is paraniod about the money I spend. He is saying this to a woman who dyed her hair back to her natural (or as close to my natural) color so that she didn't have to pay 200 bucks every 3 months for highlights and cuts. I clip coupons. I use restaurant.com and groupon for things that we do outside the home. I am a big fan of Redbox. My car is almost paid off (my second paid off car and I am only in my early 30's). Yes, I am the one that you should worry about.
My psychologist said he may be projecting. I want to insert that I am so tired of phsych words that I could spit. He had two years where he was lying to me on a daily basis and during that time he thought there were things I was lying about. Now that we are being more open and truthful he either thinks I am still lying-which I have NEVER done, or he things that I am going to get even with him by maxing out his credit card that he gave me because I haven't found a job yet.
He also doesn't believe that I am hunting for a job. Oh yes, I am sitting at home eating bon-bons. I am not sure what a bon-bon is but that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun than the hours I have spent in staffing offices, online submitting resumes, and phone interviews.
David's first doctor's visit is next week. I really hope that some medication can help.
Trying to save some money I did suggest that if we do go out to eat for Valentine's Day we do it this weekend before places start making their fixed price menus for the holiday.
David: But if we do something this week when Valentine's comes around you will still want to do something else.
Me: Oh yeah. Like last year when all I asked for was a card since we were saving money for a house and you didn't even get me a card. Then you didn't even open my card to for a week.
David: (silence)
David: Well we could go this week if you want to.
Wow. Don't make me force you to try to work on this marriage.
I took my ring off a couple weeks ago. Still only eating about 500-800 calories a day. I tried eating breakfast to hope that would make my appetite return. The only time it comes back is when I am in a completely different environment.
Gonna start running on Saturday to try to see if that boosts my mood.
Tried to think of something positive to end on and I can't think of one.
My psychologist said he may be projecting. I want to insert that I am so tired of phsych words that I could spit. He had two years where he was lying to me on a daily basis and during that time he thought there were things I was lying about. Now that we are being more open and truthful he either thinks I am still lying-which I have NEVER done, or he things that I am going to get even with him by maxing out his credit card that he gave me because I haven't found a job yet.
He also doesn't believe that I am hunting for a job. Oh yes, I am sitting at home eating bon-bons. I am not sure what a bon-bon is but that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun than the hours I have spent in staffing offices, online submitting resumes, and phone interviews.
David's first doctor's visit is next week. I really hope that some medication can help.
Trying to save some money I did suggest that if we do go out to eat for Valentine's Day we do it this weekend before places start making their fixed price menus for the holiday.
David: But if we do something this week when Valentine's comes around you will still want to do something else.
Me: Oh yeah. Like last year when all I asked for was a card since we were saving money for a house and you didn't even get me a card. Then you didn't even open my card to for a week.
David: (silence)
David: Well we could go this week if you want to.
Wow. Don't make me force you to try to work on this marriage.
I took my ring off a couple weeks ago. Still only eating about 500-800 calories a day. I tried eating breakfast to hope that would make my appetite return. The only time it comes back is when I am in a completely different environment.
Gonna start running on Saturday to try to see if that boosts my mood.
Tried to think of something positive to end on and I can't think of one.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Not sure if this marriage will work. David "jokingly" has started calling me slut and whore. The irony is not lost on me. He is sleeping in the other room as I type. It was my choice. He said I can't take a joke. Yeah. Haha. These last three months have been fucking hilarious. Right now I can say I hate him and am so angry at him. He will use this as an exuse to not attend his SAA group tomorrow.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Boundaries
It took me a long time to realize that when people on chat rooms and other blogs said they had to set "boundaries" with thier sex addicted spouse I didn't realize it was a friendly way to say RULES. I have set two with David.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
SAA
My husband has not enjoyed going to these meetings. He has only gone to two and he hasn't shared yet but he has no choice. One of my "boundaries" is that he has to go until his doctors tell him not to. I feel that SAA is like a reminder of how much worse it could have been. As a reminder (not that I need it) my husband was addicted to online porn for the last two years. During bad days he would spend 13 hours straight on the computer, phone, chat rooms, or sexting.
He goes to SAA with people who have lost everything due to sex addictions. David has jeopardized a lot but since it never went past the fantasy world I have chosen for now to stay with him. If someone used to be overweight and to avoid going back to those unhealthy habits they post a picture of their former selves on the fridge, I feel it is a good reminder of remember what you were and what could be again.
That is how I feel SAA is. A weekly reminder of why those actions are not welcome in his life anymore. Pretending that these last two years never happened is not the answer.
And on a venting side note...due to bad weather last week his Phych appt has been delayed until next month. Sigh. I feel like something is working against me getting him to the doctor.
He goes to SAA with people who have lost everything due to sex addictions. David has jeopardized a lot but since it never went past the fantasy world I have chosen for now to stay with him. If someone used to be overweight and to avoid going back to those unhealthy habits they post a picture of their former selves on the fridge, I feel it is a good reminder of remember what you were and what could be again.
That is how I feel SAA is. A weekly reminder of why those actions are not welcome in his life anymore. Pretending that these last two years never happened is not the answer.
And on a venting side note...due to bad weather last week his Phych appt has been delayed until next month. Sigh. I feel like something is working against me getting him to the doctor.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Back to the real world
My fears with leaving David were semi unfounded. He is working his butt off at work so he didn't have time to give in to a relapse. He has his compulsive side and it can work towards good sometimes.
I got stuck in Florida with the southeastern storm locking up all ways out. The trip was longer than expected and he still did good. The bad news is that we live somewhere in the southeast and his first Psychiatrist appointment had to be postponed due to bad weather. SOOOO he still hasn't gotten professional medical treatment.
My appointments were all messed up too but the one hiccup we had was that David missed his SAA appointment because he figured if he couldn't show that he went what was the point.
Sigh.
He did go this week and I had to establish the boundary that he is to go to every SAA meeting unless he is told by his doctor not to or has a meeting with a boss that he can prove with an email or voicemail.
He says going to SAA makes him feel bad but I think that is a good thing. You need to remember what could have been to appreciate where you are.
Like someone who has lost a ton of weight keeping an unflattering fat photo of themselves on the fridge. It doesn't take a lot to fall back into bad (and very established) habits.
He went to SAA this week. We are talking so much more than before.
I can honestly say I missed him. And he said the same and for once I feel I wasn't just getting lip service.
I got stuck in Florida with the southeastern storm locking up all ways out. The trip was longer than expected and he still did good. The bad news is that we live somewhere in the southeast and his first Psychiatrist appointment had to be postponed due to bad weather. SOOOO he still hasn't gotten professional medical treatment.
My appointments were all messed up too but the one hiccup we had was that David missed his SAA appointment because he figured if he couldn't show that he went what was the point.
Sigh.
He did go this week and I had to establish the boundary that he is to go to every SAA meeting unless he is told by his doctor not to or has a meeting with a boss that he can prove with an email or voicemail.
He says going to SAA makes him feel bad but I think that is a good thing. You need to remember what could have been to appreciate where you are.
Like someone who has lost a ton of weight keeping an unflattering fat photo of themselves on the fridge. It doesn't take a lot to fall back into bad (and very established) habits.
He went to SAA this week. We are talking so much more than before.
I can honestly say I missed him. And he said the same and for once I feel I wasn't just getting lip service.
Monday, January 3, 2011
First time away since the discovery...
This weekend I will be out of town for the first time since discovering David's secret life of chat rooms, video cams, sexting and porn addiction.
I will be very distracted on this trip so I think I will do ok not worrying about what he is up to every hour of the day. Also, all previous means that he used for his addictions are gone or password locked. He would have to borrow a computer or actually pay for porn services outside the home. Thank goodness he is cheap. I read about men that have spent entire life savings on hookers or even just pay webcams. The only thing David pays for is our DSL line. And now he can't even use that except on his monitored work computer.
I will be back on Tuesday and may have time to check in before I leave Wednesday night. Please say a prayer that we are ready for this big step. When David's addiction was in full swing, he would do the most activity when I was out of the home. When the cat's away....
Let's just hope this mouse will just mow the lawn and watch football.
I will be very distracted on this trip so I think I will do ok not worrying about what he is up to every hour of the day. Also, all previous means that he used for his addictions are gone or password locked. He would have to borrow a computer or actually pay for porn services outside the home. Thank goodness he is cheap. I read about men that have spent entire life savings on hookers or even just pay webcams. The only thing David pays for is our DSL line. And now he can't even use that except on his monitored work computer.
I will be back on Tuesday and may have time to check in before I leave Wednesday night. Please say a prayer that we are ready for this big step. When David's addiction was in full swing, he would do the most activity when I was out of the home. When the cat's away....
Let's just hope this mouse will just mow the lawn and watch football.
New Year...New Therapist
Still waiting for David to go to the Psychiatrist and I started going to a new Psychologist. I liked her and she was so calm and understanding so I was surprised when she said that I need to see her weekly.
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
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