Not sure why but it seems we have both leveled out in the last couple weeks. Two things that I think have helped is that David got a raise so his stress levels about money have dropped and I have been strick with my boundaries (aka rules).
David has also finally seen the Phychiatrist. The doctor diagnosed him as OCD and with Anxiety disorder. They recommended Paxil for him and he has started his dosage a couple days ago and will be full dosage in a couple days.
He told me he feels a little numb but I told him his mind and anxiety has probably been so loud and complicated in his head to not have as much would seem strange. He needs to realize most people can do simple tasks without list making and going through ever scenario.
I have said it before...I wonder what it sounds like in his head. Recap of a strory I think I posted before...but when David was taking a test for grad school he kept scoring lower than all of his practice tests. He finally scored high enough to get accepted at one of his choices but he had already paid for one more test (you could retake it like the SAT). With no pressure or anxiety about this test since he was already accepted he scored 30% higher than any other test he had taken and then got into his first choice school. His anxiety had frozen his potential.
Hopefully all of these items will help.
I have started to get my appetite back. Yesterday for the first time in months I was HUNGRY. I even craved a specific food and it tasted good. I take these all as good signs.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Do I,,,,
deserve this?
want this?
want to deal with this situation anymore?
feel he is worth it?
want to put our relationship before my well being?
worry more about our debts than the real problem?
think he is worth it?
understand his problem?
feel he is trying enough?
love him enough?
We will find out soon enough.
want this?
want to deal with this situation anymore?
feel he is worth it?
want to put our relationship before my well being?
worry more about our debts than the real problem?
think he is worth it?
understand his problem?
feel he is trying enough?
love him enough?
We will find out soon enough.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Back to the real world
My fears with leaving David were semi unfounded. He is working his butt off at work so he didn't have time to give in to a relapse. He has his compulsive side and it can work towards good sometimes.
I got stuck in Florida with the southeastern storm locking up all ways out. The trip was longer than expected and he still did good. The bad news is that we live somewhere in the southeast and his first Psychiatrist appointment had to be postponed due to bad weather. SOOOO he still hasn't gotten professional medical treatment.
My appointments were all messed up too but the one hiccup we had was that David missed his SAA appointment because he figured if he couldn't show that he went what was the point.
Sigh.
He did go this week and I had to establish the boundary that he is to go to every SAA meeting unless he is told by his doctor not to or has a meeting with a boss that he can prove with an email or voicemail.
He says going to SAA makes him feel bad but I think that is a good thing. You need to remember what could have been to appreciate where you are.
Like someone who has lost a ton of weight keeping an unflattering fat photo of themselves on the fridge. It doesn't take a lot to fall back into bad (and very established) habits.
He went to SAA this week. We are talking so much more than before.
I can honestly say I missed him. And he said the same and for once I feel I wasn't just getting lip service.
I got stuck in Florida with the southeastern storm locking up all ways out. The trip was longer than expected and he still did good. The bad news is that we live somewhere in the southeast and his first Psychiatrist appointment had to be postponed due to bad weather. SOOOO he still hasn't gotten professional medical treatment.
My appointments were all messed up too but the one hiccup we had was that David missed his SAA appointment because he figured if he couldn't show that he went what was the point.
Sigh.
He did go this week and I had to establish the boundary that he is to go to every SAA meeting unless he is told by his doctor not to or has a meeting with a boss that he can prove with an email or voicemail.
He says going to SAA makes him feel bad but I think that is a good thing. You need to remember what could have been to appreciate where you are.
Like someone who has lost a ton of weight keeping an unflattering fat photo of themselves on the fridge. It doesn't take a lot to fall back into bad (and very established) habits.
He went to SAA this week. We are talking so much more than before.
I can honestly say I missed him. And he said the same and for once I feel I wasn't just getting lip service.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year...New Therapist
Still waiting for David to go to the Psychiatrist and I started going to a new Psychologist. I liked her and she was so calm and understanding so I was surprised when she said that I need to see her weekly.
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Ameture Phychologist
Since I have known my husband I have always thought he had anxiety problems especially social anxiety. He deals with social events either by avoiding them, drinking too much at the event to "have fun" or punishing me if I force him to go to an event (pouting is one of his favorite ways to punish me).
He has finally agreed to see a psychiatrist to get on something to help him with his anxiety. Let me give you a couple examples of his anxiety levels when it comes to social or work things. This way you can see the extremes he goes to to deal with his anxiety or punish me.
*Once drank so much at a party he had invited friends to to make up for the bad time he thought his friends were having that he fell down a flight of stairs, knocked out his front teeth, broke his nose and split his lip open. We thought he had broken his neck or back as well but he was spared those injuries.
*At a Bar Mitzvah we were invited to he got so upset that I left him alone to go dance with some of my co workers (not out of jealousy but anxiety) that he not only left to go sit in the car without telling anyone...he moved the car away from the party so I couldn't find him and assumed he left me there and then didn't understand why I was upset. PS it was a 5 minute song and I went right back to where I had left him sitting because I knew he hated parties.
*Got drunk one night trying to show a friend a good time (see a pattern) that he went into his office drunk at 1:30am to email a subordinate to see if anyone from the office was out drinking. Forgot about doing it until he checked his email and then spent two nights worrying so much about it that he did NOT sleep for two days. Not an exaggeration. I read the email and said it was rather unprofessional but not harassing or inappropriate just way too late to be emailing coworkers to find people are out. This made him feel better but he still lost days of sleep.
David is a happy drunk and from what I have heard about him before I met him he was extremely shy unless he was drinking. He didn't date much in high school or college and had the same group of friends since he was in t-ball. He never had to come out of his shell to make friends or get jobs. Since graduating from college he has had to WORK at being social and friendly when not drinking and I notice if he is in a situation that he feels anxious (especially about being accepted) he usually lubricates the problem with lots of alcohol. At least he is a happy, if sometimes clumsy, drunk.
From what I have gleaned off the internet he is pretty textbook for the types of people that get into addictions. This is one of his traits that always seem to be on the list. Anxiety, and not being able to handle it in a healthy way, can really destroy your life.
He has finally agreed to see a psychiatrist to get on something to help him with his anxiety. Let me give you a couple examples of his anxiety levels when it comes to social or work things. This way you can see the extremes he goes to to deal with his anxiety or punish me.
*Once drank so much at a party he had invited friends to to make up for the bad time he thought his friends were having that he fell down a flight of stairs, knocked out his front teeth, broke his nose and split his lip open. We thought he had broken his neck or back as well but he was spared those injuries.
*At a Bar Mitzvah we were invited to he got so upset that I left him alone to go dance with some of my co workers (not out of jealousy but anxiety) that he not only left to go sit in the car without telling anyone...he moved the car away from the party so I couldn't find him and assumed he left me there and then didn't understand why I was upset. PS it was a 5 minute song and I went right back to where I had left him sitting because I knew he hated parties.
*Got drunk one night trying to show a friend a good time (see a pattern) that he went into his office drunk at 1:30am to email a subordinate to see if anyone from the office was out drinking. Forgot about doing it until he checked his email and then spent two nights worrying so much about it that he did NOT sleep for two days. Not an exaggeration. I read the email and said it was rather unprofessional but not harassing or inappropriate just way too late to be emailing coworkers to find people are out. This made him feel better but he still lost days of sleep.
David is a happy drunk and from what I have heard about him before I met him he was extremely shy unless he was drinking. He didn't date much in high school or college and had the same group of friends since he was in t-ball. He never had to come out of his shell to make friends or get jobs. Since graduating from college he has had to WORK at being social and friendly when not drinking and I notice if he is in a situation that he feels anxious (especially about being accepted) he usually lubricates the problem with lots of alcohol. At least he is a happy, if sometimes clumsy, drunk.
From what I have gleaned off the internet he is pretty textbook for the types of people that get into addictions. This is one of his traits that always seem to be on the list. Anxiety, and not being able to handle it in a healthy way, can really destroy your life.
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