Time keeps ticking on....

The hardest thing about this personal addiction is deciding when to start trying to forgive.  And I stress trying.  The strange thing is I never thought about forgiving David until about a month ago.  Long story short is that I went crazy in front of his family and did everything but rehash the details of our problems.  His family is non confrontational which is a major part of our problems.  He escapes rather than deal.  I deal rather than escape.  Hey...opposites attract.

CODA has helped me so much with my problems.  SAA has helped David.  I am not sure what will help us as a couple unless the answer is just time.  I see the few people I have told look at me with pity in thier eyes.  They wonder why I stay with him.  I am still young, attractive and rather intelligent.  Why would I waste my time with this loser?  Why do I love him?  I don't know.

The other day I got picked up at a bar after work but a VERY good looking guy from New York.  Italian, in good shape and heavy with compliments.  I was wearing my ring and he freely told me he was engaged.  Our conversation was witty, sexy and fun.  But at the end of the night when he leaned in for a kiss I felt no spark.  No desire.  I appreciated the ego boost and would have loved to have met him in another time but didn't want more than a hug or a peck on the cheek.  He had no part of my heart.  Only one person does right now.  David.

Obviously my heart is masochistic. 

It is such hard work.  I see glimmers.  We went to couples therapy and our psychologist said he wished all wives were as educated and open as I was.  Ha.  It just took me a year.  And a lot of wine.  David and I do talk a lot.  We are honest.  Honesty sometimes hurts.  He has had a bad day that involved porn and chat rooms.  It was one day and he told me within our weeks understanding.  It hurt.  But not as bad as finding out on my own and him lying about it. 

I know David is trying.  But I feel I am trying harder.  I have got to focus on myself.  If I am not happy I can never be happy with other people.  I have to stop thinking of recovery as a competition.  It is not my job to be better at it than he is.  Avoiding codependency is hard.  Helps me realize what an addiction really is like.

Married to a sex addict

When this addiction touched our lives I realized that even though my therapist said it is the "alcoholism of our generation" there are very little resources on the subject.

One place that helped me was the wonderful blog and resource http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/

Joann is the author and I had submitted my story back in November.  If you have followed this blog you know all the changes since November. 

I do hope that my story will help some and at the very least help people know they are not alone. 

Keep up the great work, Joann!  You are an angel.
Aileen.

"Maybe it is you"

My last post got a very interesting comment.  Essentially the person asked if maybe David's addiction was due to our lack of sex life.  It was almost as if I went back in time and asked myself the question.

There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm.  That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it.  Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away. 

Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction.  This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him?  After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.

Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him.  Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much."  Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more.  If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"

It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me.  He had signs of it before we even met.  I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex! 

Working on the co-dependency has been hard.  It is easier with him out of the house.  Not easy.  Just easier.

The first Psych visit for David

It finally happened.  Just a mere 3 months since the discovery David finally made it to a phychiatrist appointment to discuss drug options for someone in his position.  The place we are going assign you to a drug person (psychiatrist) and a therapist (psychologist) and neither of us go to the same person.  David was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD.  Both items have a problem with escapism and some of the people turn to addictions like drugs, drinking or other addictions like porn or sex.  He has started Paxil yesterday and I hope it helps.  I do feel he needs an antidepressant too but I am not his doctor. 

I let him miss SAA this week due to a wicked cold that he had been battling all week.  It seemed to help but his logic was that if he has therapy he shouldn't have to go to SAA.  TO me that is as logical as a fish on a bicycle.  Being sick is a good reason.  He has been running a fever and been very congested.  When he is well...SAA is not an option.

I have been in limbo land as well.  I plan on going on a cruise with a friend to Mexico in April and am not sharing this info with David.  He doesn't understand that I need these things to help keep me focused on fun things and not focus on the negative.  We are still taking it day by day.

Today I found out a friend of mine that was dealing with a separation with her husband found out that her husband was sleeping with one of his teachers from his part time college.  I do believe if you think something is going something probably is going on.  Same thing is happening with my neighbor.  She is going through with the separation from her husband after 17 years of marriage and I told her that there is a way to check texts and even email texts but she doesn't want to know.  Were were live is a kind of a no fault state. 

If anything ever happens with David and I, it would be interesting to see if my info on him will keep it a "no fault" state. 

I have a temp job next week and I have decided not to tell David about it.  I will make about 500 bucks and I want them to be mine.  Not going to pay off his car or our car insurance or cc bill.  Remember his are all paid off.  Good for him. 

Deep down I am noticing that he is working as hard as he knows how to make this relationship work.  Ironically my thin body makes him more attractive to me than ever.  But knowing where my body came from doesn't make me like my body.  I am about 105 now and do have to force feed myself.  I do better if I can eat with friends or family.  Left alone I never eat. 

Another thing that I have started to do is take an extra $20 out of every time I buy groceries and put it in my own checking account.  I figure if I do this every week I am adding almost 2000 a year to my checking that David has not idea about.  I need to start looking out for me first.  I deep down know I need to TRUST David but even deeper deeper down I know I need to PROTECT me.  I used to always keep a thousand in cash as an escape route.  I do thing all people (girls or guys) should have this as a way to leave if you want to at anytime.  I don't have this now but I am starting to rebuild it.  Even if this takes 20 bucks at a time. 

No luck on the job front.  13 years of sales experience and I am like a leper.  Hopefully someone soon will realize my ability.  Till them I will try to make a stash for myself on my own.  Some Days I Hate David.  This evening is one of them. 

I found the perfect valentines day card for him.  It says:
"Even though you are the biggest pain in the Ass I still love you". 

Perfect.  It is supposed to be funny and ironic.  In my case it is serious and not ironic.

How Ironic.

Baby Steps

David and I talked through our fight last night.  He has a way where he doesn't apologize but acts really nice and almost childlike to get me to warm back up to him.  Didn't quite work this time and I waited until I heard the full "I'm sorry."

Some things discussed-
*he needs to reaffirm to me that he is serious about recovery.
*If I ask him to not sleep in our bed he needs to respect it.
*He needs to give me 5 non sexual hugs a day (hugs not going anywhere).
*He needs to set up his voicemail on his work phone so if I am mad I can call and leave a message rather then it going through his companies email. 
*I need to remember that we can't fix everything in a month and we are making progress
*I should help give David small goals that he feels are attainable (go to the SAA meeting and church) rather then expect him to manage everything.  He has a problem and needs help and support too
*He needs to NEVER say "You need to calm down" or any variant ever again. EVER.
*I need to remember that due to his childhood he has very negative ideas of psychiatry.  Agreeing to go is a big step.

I know he was at fault but I am seeing glimmers of the man he was when we met and first married.  When he would share everything with me.  This addiction caused secrets and guilt and resentment for years.  I can look back now and see the signs and symptoms but without the truth that we are working on there was nothing I could do to help him. 

Before all these horrible secrets came out I would not look forward to seeing him.  He was always grouchy and sensitive about everything.  Now I feel we are both happy to see each other. 

Strange...even though I know he did horrible things...I see more of the good person that he is now.  Strange.

Tomorrow...

Is my first ever psychiatrist visit.  I had been put on Prozac before due to bad PMS but that was through my family practitioner.  Will let you know how it goes. 

FINALLY!

David has agreed 100% that he needs to see a psychiatrist and get on something for his anxiety and stress management.  I am going to see the doctor for the first time on Tuesday and make sure he can keep the SA aspect of the problem truly confidential.  Doctors in the mental health division have to report a general reason for the visit.  If David has it listed as an addiction (any type) and it somehow gets back to his company his job would be in jeopardy.  And whether we stay together or split up the last thing we need is David to be unemployed. 

His current doctor lists his problem as stress management and I am seeing her under his name so that it is easier to file.  I know everything medical is supposed to be 100% confidential but companies are also not supposed to hire or fire based on age and it happens all the time.  In this economy all it would take is saying there are cut backs and David's job has been eliminated.  Just another delightful thing to worry about in our daily lives.

Back to the good news!  I am so happy that his is seeking more serious treatment than just a counselor.  I like his counselor a lot but David has even said that he thinks she had done all that she can.  She also has recommended that his needs to get on some type of medication for anxiety and stress.  He agreed.  She is also not the kind of doctor that likes to medicate.  When I mentioned I had to go on Effexor for the depression with this situation she expressed sadness that I felt I had to medicate myself to deal with the problem.

For him to agree on his own is a big step.  David's mother has been on heavy medication most of his life due to manic depression that was aggravated by a family tragedy in the early 80's.  It is severe and has led to her being in and out of hospitals, suicide attempts and having to go on disability in her 40's when she could no longer work in the medical field.  David has always seen his mother's attempts with different medications as a crazy and unstable time in his life.  He doesn't even like to take Tylenol if he has a slight headache. 

This is a big step and I am so glad that I am seeing progress. 

Sexually Anorexic?

Sometime I feel surfing the net for help is a good thing but like anything else it can make someone a bit paranoid.  I have been reading one of the other blogs that help me (see right) and saw a posting on sexual anorexia.  Her husband became anorexic when he was acting out-that is 12 step talk for getting back into his addiction of porn and sex.  My husband David was starting to do this near the time I found out everything.  Literally the night before I found his secret online life I asked him to have sex and he said "No! And now you know how it feels to be rejected."  He then proceeded to go online and go into chat rooms for hours while I went to bed. 

But there is another concern about sexual anorexia.  Did I have it?  DO I have it?  Here is a little information on it...

From the article: Sexual Anorexia: A New Paradigm for Hyposexual Desire Disorder by Dr. Douglas Weiss
1. Withholding love from primary partner. In this facet of sexual anorexia they actively withhold their feelings and behaviors of love from their partner. Partners of anorexics often state not feeling important or loved. Withholding may be only at home with their partner while publicly they may behave affectionately toward their partner.

2. Withholding praise or appreciation from their partner. Withholding praise or appreciation can be done consciously or unconsciously. When presented with this behavioral characteristic most sexual anorexics and their partners will acknowledge the behavior truth of this lack of ongoing, void of praise and appreciation.

3. Controlling by silence or anger. The sexual anorexic that is confronted by life issues to come close to their partner and deal with an issue or feeling will often resist this process vehemently. The two most common dynamics employed is total shut down i.e. leaves, go to another room, watch television avoidance or anger.

4. Ongoing or ungrounded criticism that causes isolation. The anorexic will push away their partner using criticism especially if the are headed toward emotional or sexual intimacy. This can be an ongoing experience for the couple where one partner is sexual anorexic.

5. Withholding sex from the partner. The anorexic will stay in control of the sexual relationship by: refusing to initiate sex, saying no to the sexual advance, makes the partner initiate the majority of sexual advances. Anorexics may also make sexual encounters emotionally void or unpleasant so the partner will not want to have further sexual encounters. This lack of sexual initiative and activity is the clearest symptom to evaluate in the initial intake process.

6. Unwillingness to discuss feelings with partner. The anorexic withholds emotional intimacy. This unwillingness to discuss feelings may be localized to the primary partner or global to all relationships. This withholding is active in the anorexic relationship style and is important for clinical intervention.

7. Staying so busy that the anorexic has little to no relational time for the partner. This busyness may take the form of hobbies, political or religious pursuits, children’s activities or can be as passive as watching television for hours a day. The anorexic rarely initiates long periods of alone time alone only with their partner. i.e. no romantic weekends or vacations without friends and family members.

8. Making any issues in the relationship the partner’s problem before owning any of the issue. Blaming the partner consistently is a characteristic of anorexia. A core motivation of the anorexic is to keep the perfect picture. Apologies for anorexics tend to be slow in coming as well. 

These items are so close to my life that it shocked me when I read them.  David has even said that I never compliment him.  I don't.  He is a good looking guy and always tries to take care of himself.  I think I feel that if I compliment him I give him power and that power could make him leave me.  If I beat him down a little and make him feel less desirable then he will love me more, appreciate me more, and stay with me longer. 

YES YES...I know it is messed up but it is kinda like in the movies where the looser starts treating the hot girl bad and she falls for him.  Messed up but how I have been behaving for years. 

I am not saying that I am the cause of my husbands addiction at all.  I am just saying that this may have been a reason that it took so long for me to figure out something was horribly wrong. 

Part of all the co addict help groups I have been working with have said that you have to heal yourself and let the addict also heal himself.  It is not my job to cure David.  But this is something that I can work on. 

My goals to help me connect with David and possibly help my Sexual Anorexia (if that is what I have and if it is a real thing)

1. 2 compliments to him a day preferably not about his SA treatment.

2. Be there for him-there are times he asks me to just hang out near him when he is fixing something or painting and usually I decline and watch a movie or read.  That needs to change.

3. Tell him I love him when I feel love for him and not do it just to hear him say it back.

4. My favorite mode of distancing myself if the silent treatment.  Again, this has to stop.  All the silent treatment does is prolong the fight and the resolution.  BUT BOY I AM GOOD AT THE SILENT TREATMENT!!!!

5. I need to watch my sarcastic digs.  I was just talking about this with a new friend last night.  We are both sarcastic people and get each others jokes but neither of our significant others do.  My jokes have become a way that I can injure David without feeling guilty because it's just a joke.  But to him they are insults.

6. Doing things he wants to do.  Sometimes I feel if he gets to do what he wants to do for fun (he picks the movie, he picks the vacation, he picks the restaurant) I feel like he somehow is winning.  This is love not a competition. 

7. And finally, working on more sex is gonna be a toughie due to our other situation.  If this was the only problem it would be WAY higher on the list.  I like sex.  I find my husband very sexy.  But I will try to make myself more open to the possibility of more sex as we get better. 

Birthday

Today is David's birthday.  Yesterday he had therapy and tomorrow he is going to his first SAA meeting.  He told me last night that he doesn't want to go but will do it for me.  He has always had a huge fear of the unknown and this is another huge unknown.  I am working on not hounding him about his recovery.  It is hard and last night he had to work some from home on his lap top and even though it is his work laptop and they monitor everything he does and I know he wouldn't risk anything to loose his job it still made me very nervous to see him on a computer.  I could tell he saw it in my eyes because he told me he just needed to send a work email and did everything in front of me. 

We are getting into a rhythm and it feels better.  I was really scared that he would postpone his therapy session yesterday.  He didn't tell me if he went and I know he has been very busy at work.  Trying not to be a co-addict I refrained from asking him until right before bed.  I just asked if he saw his therapist and he said yes.  I didn't ask any more and he didn't volunteer anything else. 

If he has been honest with me I feel I know everything about his sexual addiction that I need to know.  Asking for details just makes him feel more guilty and hurts me more.  I can't change the past and reliving it is like scraping off a scab. 

Saturday and his SAA meeting will be a big step.  I hope to God that he sees the benefit.  I know 12 step programs don't work for everyone but I want him to see that other people with this problem are "normal" like he is.  As someone else mentioned in his blog I think that problems with SA will explode in the next couple years.

Better day

Today I focused on me. It seemed to help some and get me out of the funk I was in. I am also taking a good multi-vitamin and I do think that is helping. Still no real appetite but I do feel happer once I eat.

David's birthday is tomorrow and due to holidays and pre existing plans it will be the first weekend we are alone. Hard to tell people not to come visit because my husband is a sex addict.

He had regular therapy today and I promised myself that I will not ask him about it. After going myself I realize it is a mentally exhausting process and sometimes you need a day to digest everything.

COSA Telemeeting

Did my first call in to a COSA telemeeting since there are no physical meetings anywhere near me.  It is a support group for people affected by someones sex addiction.  It was nice to hear voices of people going through what I am not just read things or a therapist who doesn't quite know how I feel.  Hope to listen in again.  Not sure I am ready to share.  Just thanking them got me crying.

Since the shock

It has been three long weeks since the day of discovery for me.  Every day is different and every day is a struggle.  I have confided in a few very close friends but if we told our families they would never be able to forgive him.  My sister went through a very bad divorce with her first husband and even when they tried to work it out I vividly remember my mom telling me she hoped they didn't make it because she would never be able to forgive him.  I learned that some things can not be unsaid.  I may be able to forgive my husband (we will call him David) but our parents wouldn't be able to.

His therapy is going well.  He is seeing a general counselor but he initiated it and feels comfortable meeting with her.  She has suggested he attend SAA and he is doing anything to try to save what we have.  So many husbands are in denial...at least David has realized the gravity of the situation. 

I also met with his therapist and it was horrible.  An hour of crying and reliving those first days.  All day I felt horrible but the next day I did feel better like after a hard workout.  Talking with the few friends that know has help a lot and I am blessed to have people who will just listen and not judge or give advice.  A sounding board is so needed at a time like this.  I know I can just call them and vent and feel better.