When this addiction touched our lives I realized that even though my therapist said it is the "alcoholism of our generation" there are very little resources on the subject.
One place that helped me was the wonderful blog and resource http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/
Joann is the author and I had submitted my story back in November. If you have followed this blog you know all the changes since November.
I do hope that my story will help some and at the very least help people know they are not alone.
Keep up the great work, Joann! You are an angel.
Aileen.
Showing posts with label Things I have learned. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Things I have learned. Show all posts
Monday, July 11, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Co Dependant
When I joined Cosa the first time I didn't believe I was co-dependant. Trying to take a good look at my place in this relationship.
Yep...I may be a bit co dependant. May be textbook.
More info see this article.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Yep...I may be a bit co dependant. May be textbook.
More info see this article.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Thursday, June 2, 2011
"Maybe it is you"
My last post got a very interesting comment. Essentially the person asked if maybe David's addiction was due to our lack of sex life. It was almost as if I went back in time and asked myself the question.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Boundaries
It took me a long time to realize that when people on chat rooms and other blogs said they had to set "boundaries" with thier sex addicted spouse I didn't realize it was a friendly way to say RULES. I have set two with David.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year...New Therapist
Still waiting for David to go to the Psychiatrist and I started going to a new Psychologist. I liked her and she was so calm and understanding so I was surprised when she said that I need to see her weekly.
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Baby Steps
David and I talked through our fight last night. He has a way where he doesn't apologize but acts really nice and almost childlike to get me to warm back up to him. Didn't quite work this time and I waited until I heard the full "I'm sorry."
Some things discussed-
*he needs to reaffirm to me that he is serious about recovery.
*If I ask him to not sleep in our bed he needs to respect it.
*He needs to give me 5 non sexual hugs a day (hugs not going anywhere).
*He needs to set up his voicemail on his work phone so if I am mad I can call and leave a message rather then it going through his companies email.
*I need to remember that we can't fix everything in a month and we are making progress
*I should help give David small goals that he feels are attainable (go to the SAA meeting and church) rather then expect him to manage everything. He has a problem and needs help and support too
*He needs to NEVER say "You need to calm down" or any variant ever again. EVER.
*I need to remember that due to his childhood he has very negative ideas of psychiatry. Agreeing to go is a big step.
I know he was at fault but I am seeing glimmers of the man he was when we met and first married. When he would share everything with me. This addiction caused secrets and guilt and resentment for years. I can look back now and see the signs and symptoms but without the truth that we are working on there was nothing I could do to help him.
Before all these horrible secrets came out I would not look forward to seeing him. He was always grouchy and sensitive about everything. Now I feel we are both happy to see each other.
Strange...even though I know he did horrible things...I see more of the good person that he is now. Strange.
Some things discussed-
*he needs to reaffirm to me that he is serious about recovery.
*If I ask him to not sleep in our bed he needs to respect it.
*He needs to give me 5 non sexual hugs a day (hugs not going anywhere).
*He needs to set up his voicemail on his work phone so if I am mad I can call and leave a message rather then it going through his companies email.
*I need to remember that we can't fix everything in a month and we are making progress
*I should help give David small goals that he feels are attainable (go to the SAA meeting and church) rather then expect him to manage everything. He has a problem and needs help and support too
*He needs to NEVER say "You need to calm down" or any variant ever again. EVER.
*I need to remember that due to his childhood he has very negative ideas of psychiatry. Agreeing to go is a big step.
I know he was at fault but I am seeing glimmers of the man he was when we met and first married. When he would share everything with me. This addiction caused secrets and guilt and resentment for years. I can look back now and see the signs and symptoms but without the truth that we are working on there was nothing I could do to help him.
Before all these horrible secrets came out I would not look forward to seeing him. He was always grouchy and sensitive about everything. Now I feel we are both happy to see each other.
Strange...even though I know he did horrible things...I see more of the good person that he is now. Strange.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Day lost hacking into husband's emails
Went OCD on the computer again today. Hacked into my husbands Yahoo accounts (there may be a secret one I don't know about) and then was able to get more email communications for my "just in case" file and also have changed his login for his two aim.com emails that he used the most for his porn addiction.
Also to into one of his gmail accounts I had to change his password. I feel bad that I went into his main email but since trust has been shattered he should be doing everything in his power to stay on the straight and narrow. I feel I should be able to ask him to show me every email he has at any time I want. He did go to his old aim.com account and delete everything. Part of why I forwarded everything to my own email account that he doesn't have access to.
All this research is to protect me. My sister had a horrible divorce about 15 years ago-her husband "Michael" had an affair with the married neighbor and during counseling he finally admitted to it but swore that was the only one. The counselor said to get through this and be able to stay together Michael needed to tell his parents the truth about their problems. On the drive to his parents, Michael pulled over the car and told my sister he couldn't do it. They returned home and she filed papers the next day. Since my sister had no true proof of the affair, Michael was able to lie under oath and not pay for her legal bills or pay spousal support.
Even that first morning when I found out about this double life that David was living, I was forwarding all of these horrible emails to my account while trying to see through tears. I have done research and what he has done and what I have proof of does not count as infidelity or adultery in my state. But with the HUNDREDS of emails, HOURS of online chatting and DOZENS of naked photos I think I would have a good case for neglect or at least that my husband is an idiot.
Also to into one of his gmail accounts I had to change his password. I feel bad that I went into his main email but since trust has been shattered he should be doing everything in his power to stay on the straight and narrow. I feel I should be able to ask him to show me every email he has at any time I want. He did go to his old aim.com account and delete everything. Part of why I forwarded everything to my own email account that he doesn't have access to.
All this research is to protect me. My sister had a horrible divorce about 15 years ago-her husband "Michael" had an affair with the married neighbor and during counseling he finally admitted to it but swore that was the only one. The counselor said to get through this and be able to stay together Michael needed to tell his parents the truth about their problems. On the drive to his parents, Michael pulled over the car and told my sister he couldn't do it. They returned home and she filed papers the next day. Since my sister had no true proof of the affair, Michael was able to lie under oath and not pay for her legal bills or pay spousal support.
Even that first morning when I found out about this double life that David was living, I was forwarding all of these horrible emails to my account while trying to see through tears. I have done research and what he has done and what I have proof of does not count as infidelity or adultery in my state. But with the HUNDREDS of emails, HOURS of online chatting and DOZENS of naked photos I think I would have a good case for neglect or at least that my husband is an idiot.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Things I have learned so far (I)
1. There is online support but not as much as I had hoped for.
2. Sex addiction is still very misunderstood and debated as an addiction.
3. I used to think that sex addiction was just an excuse for lack of self control. Dealing with it first hand has changed my mind.
4. I always thought that when stressed I eat...but now know if I am really stressed I don't eat.
5. Don't feel guilty for the days that are good. There will be enough bad days.
2. Sex addiction is still very misunderstood and debated as an addiction.
3. I used to think that sex addiction was just an excuse for lack of self control. Dealing with it first hand has changed my mind.
4. I always thought that when stressed I eat...but now know if I am really stressed I don't eat.
5. Don't feel guilty for the days that are good. There will be enough bad days.
Doctor visit
David has told me multiple times that he never physically met any of these women or had a physical affair. His logic to me was that he never used his real name or photos of his face so if he ever met these women they would be freaked out since he didn't look like the man they thought they were chatting with. Thanks?!? How considerate he was.
But since my trust in him has been shattered 100% I felt the need to get full blood work done at a doctors office. As mentioned before we are new to the area so not only do I need to test to see if I have any STD's I need to introduce myself to a new doctor. What a great first impression. It was the adult thing to do but I still was not excited. I was even so late to the first appointment that I had to reschedule. Deep down I was just procrastinating.
Found out some interesting things when getting a new doctor physical.
1. Doctors always have Kleenex in their offices.
2. Regular physical bloodwork will not test for STD's-you need to request further testing.
3. I have low Vitamin D.
Thank God that number 3 was the worst thing they found. I feel so much better now. Making a joke my husband said "If they do find anything I'll divorce you since I haven't cheated!" Not a great joke but he is trying to keep things lighter. I may have given him an eat sh!+ look.
But since my trust in him has been shattered 100% I felt the need to get full blood work done at a doctors office. As mentioned before we are new to the area so not only do I need to test to see if I have any STD's I need to introduce myself to a new doctor. What a great first impression. It was the adult thing to do but I still was not excited. I was even so late to the first appointment that I had to reschedule. Deep down I was just procrastinating.
Found out some interesting things when getting a new doctor physical.
1. Doctors always have Kleenex in their offices.
2. Regular physical bloodwork will not test for STD's-you need to request further testing.
3. I have low Vitamin D.
Thank God that number 3 was the worst thing they found. I feel so much better now. Making a joke my husband said "If they do find anything I'll divorce you since I haven't cheated!" Not a great joke but he is trying to keep things lighter. I may have given him an eat sh!+ look.
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