3 Strikes...You're Out.

I have said it before.  It is less the act of the chat rooms and porn and more the lies and deceit.  The lack of respect is part of it, too.  A little over one year into this struggle I have found David deep in his addiction once again.  He had been acting distant and extremely sensitive.  There was nothing I could do that was right.  He was doing little things (sometimes big things) to get "even" with me.  Sunday was my 35th birthday and I was out of town Saturday and most of Sunday to see a football game.  That morning when we texted - oh by the way he bought himself the new iPhone but that is another problem - I had to remind him it was my birthday because he didn't call and I was the one who initiated the chat.  I asked to see a movie when I got home and he said, "Maybe."

When I got home a little before 9pm, I walked into a dirty house with no indication of it being my birthday.  No card, no gift, no note, no nothing.  He wasn't even awake.  He was taking a nap upstairs.  This was his way of getting back at me for not celebrating my birthday with him.  Because my birthday should be all about David.  Logical.

We got in a huge fight because this was the old David.  The distant, selfish, spiteful David.  All my instincts were telling me there was something wrong. 

Noticing he had gone through about 3 tubes of my expensive lotion in 2 days was a big indicator, too.

Today I reviewed our phone bill.  I did not want him to get the iPhone and had told him as much.  He didn't listen.  Within 3 minutes of looking at the bill I saw random phone numbers called and multimedia texts being sent and received to his number.  A good portion of them on my birthday. 

After calling one of the numbers and "Jade" answered I knew what was going on.  These were not coworkers or classmates.  These were sexts with random people.

It took 15 calls to his cell phone before he answered.  He finally admitted that he had been struggling the last month and the iPhone was a very bad idea.  He had been using a computer that was broken (not sure if he got it repaired just for his addiction or if it just started working again).  As we talked I drove to his office.  He recently started another job in finance. 

I pulled in and asked for his cell phone.  He gave it to me and asked if he could sit in the car and talk.  Once the phone was in my hand I drove away.  He had weeks to talk to me and say he needed help and was having weak moments.  Talking opportunities were done.

So this is where we are at:
He has tonight between 7-10 to clean out whatever he wants of his stuff
He is to move out tonight
I have taken him and his cars off of my insurance
I have cancelled his phone number and returned the iPhone
I have changed our homeowners insurance to not cover his personal items
There is a locksmith coming tomorrow morning to change the locks
I have an appointment with the divorce lawyer on Monday
Stopped payment on a check that I had written to him for our taxes (they direct deposited to me and he was going to use the money to start paying down some of his debt).  No small amount $7000 tax return.
Signed up for benefits just for me.  No link to David.
Removed him as the beneficiary on my life insurance
BOUGHT MY OWN BIRTHDAY GIFT.  I had asked for the new Nook and now I have it.

I feel numb and like I am on auto pilot.  And empty.

Time keeps ticking on....

The hardest thing about this personal addiction is deciding when to start trying to forgive.  And I stress trying.  The strange thing is I never thought about forgiving David until about a month ago.  Long story short is that I went crazy in front of his family and did everything but rehash the details of our problems.  His family is non confrontational which is a major part of our problems.  He escapes rather than deal.  I deal rather than escape.  Hey...opposites attract.

CODA has helped me so much with my problems.  SAA has helped David.  I am not sure what will help us as a couple unless the answer is just time.  I see the few people I have told look at me with pity in thier eyes.  They wonder why I stay with him.  I am still young, attractive and rather intelligent.  Why would I waste my time with this loser?  Why do I love him?  I don't know.

The other day I got picked up at a bar after work but a VERY good looking guy from New York.  Italian, in good shape and heavy with compliments.  I was wearing my ring and he freely told me he was engaged.  Our conversation was witty, sexy and fun.  But at the end of the night when he leaned in for a kiss I felt no spark.  No desire.  I appreciated the ego boost and would have loved to have met him in another time but didn't want more than a hug or a peck on the cheek.  He had no part of my heart.  Only one person does right now.  David.

Obviously my heart is masochistic. 

It is such hard work.  I see glimmers.  We went to couples therapy and our psychologist said he wished all wives were as educated and open as I was.  Ha.  It just took me a year.  And a lot of wine.  David and I do talk a lot.  We are honest.  Honesty sometimes hurts.  He has had a bad day that involved porn and chat rooms.  It was one day and he told me within our weeks understanding.  It hurt.  But not as bad as finding out on my own and him lying about it. 

I know David is trying.  But I feel I am trying harder.  I have got to focus on myself.  If I am not happy I can never be happy with other people.  I have to stop thinking of recovery as a competition.  It is not my job to be better at it than he is.  Avoiding codependency is hard.  Helps me realize what an addiction really is like.

Relapse and Separation

I will post more details later but long story short is that I found out David had started online chatting with misc. women again. 

Not only has he started again he:
1.  Didn't come to me or do anything to get help.
2.  Contacted some of the same people and used the same verbiage (22/m/FL) On here chatting because I can't sleep :)
3.  Has been doing it since mid March. 

I got 104 days of him not relapsing. 

So not only did I find out I:
1.  Tossed all of his clothing, toiletries, shoes out on the driveway.
2.  Called an attny to start the separation process.
3.  Used money that I was saving for a nice piece of furniture for our house (OUR HOUSE) to go get Botox.

Time to work on me and get back into COSA.  Hindsight is showing me how much I let him get away with and how little I protected myself.  He is not my problem right now.

I thought I was in shock...Wasn't that weepy...but now after an amazing weekend with dear friends, I think I am finally establishing so peace in my life.  I am putting my mental health first and I already feel better. 

Also...not much appetite loss.  On that note...gonna go eat some mac n cheese and call it a night!

Wool over the eyes

Things seemed good.  Not great but good.  Still having money fights but I thought it was his OCD taking hold in a different place.  Anything is better than were it was taking hold.

Thought he was taking his medication and doing his best to make meetings.

Thought: WOW we over 6 months without a relapse.

Thouht we may have just beaten this thing.

David had pulled the wool over both of our eyes.  He relapsed.