I have said it before. It is less the act of the chat rooms and porn and more the lies and deceit. The lack of respect is part of it, too. A little over one year into this struggle I have found David deep in his addiction once again. He had been acting distant and extremely sensitive. There was nothing I could do that was right. He was doing little things (sometimes big things) to get "even" with me. Sunday was my 35th birthday and I was out of town Saturday and most of Sunday to see a football game. That morning when we texted - oh by the way he bought himself the new iPhone but that is another problem - I had to remind him it was my birthday because he didn't call and I was the one who initiated the chat. I asked to see a movie when I got home and he said, "Maybe."
When I got home a little before 9pm, I walked into a dirty house with no indication of it being my birthday. No card, no gift, no note, no nothing. He wasn't even awake. He was taking a nap upstairs. This was his way of getting back at me for not celebrating my birthday with him. Because my birthday should be all about David. Logical.
We got in a huge fight because this was the old David. The distant, selfish, spiteful David. All my instincts were telling me there was something wrong.
Noticing he had gone through about 3 tubes of my expensive lotion in 2 days was a big indicator, too.
Today I reviewed our phone bill. I did not want him to get the iPhone and had told him as much. He didn't listen. Within 3 minutes of looking at the bill I saw random phone numbers called and multimedia texts being sent and received to his number. A good portion of them on my birthday.
After calling one of the numbers and "Jade" answered I knew what was going on. These were not coworkers or classmates. These were sexts with random people.
It took 15 calls to his cell phone before he answered. He finally admitted that he had been struggling the last month and the iPhone was a very bad idea. He had been using a computer that was broken (not sure if he got it repaired just for his addiction or if it just started working again). As we talked I drove to his office. He recently started another job in finance.
I pulled in and asked for his cell phone. He gave it to me and asked if he could sit in the car and talk. Once the phone was in my hand I drove away. He had weeks to talk to me and say he needed help and was having weak moments. Talking opportunities were done.
So this is where we are at:
He has tonight between 7-10 to clean out whatever he wants of his stuff
He is to move out tonight
I have taken him and his cars off of my insurance
I have cancelled his phone number and returned the iPhone
I have changed our homeowners insurance to not cover his personal items
There is a locksmith coming tomorrow morning to change the locks
I have an appointment with the divorce lawyer on Monday
Stopped payment on a check that I had written to him for our taxes (they direct deposited to me and he was going to use the money to start paying down some of his debt). No small amount $7000 tax return.
Signed up for benefits just for me. No link to David.
Removed him as the beneficiary on my life insurance
BOUGHT MY OWN BIRTHDAY GIFT. I had asked for the new Nook and now I have it.
I feel numb and like I am on auto pilot. And empty.
Showing posts with label traits of a sex addict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label traits of a sex addict. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
March update
The good news: from what I know and what I have seen David has not had a relapse with his porn or sex addiction. I got a full time job offer that I accepted.
The bad: David has become obsessed with money and "one upping" me.
The ugly: The constant bickering over money and David's need to be the center of attention has cased me to bring back the reality that we are still not at the point to deal with fights over little things.
I am working on not stewing in my own anger. When he finally pushed me over the edge with the one upping ("You think YOU had a bad day!!!") and money nit picking ("why did you deposit this check instead of giving it to me? That was MY $100.") I simply told him that this needs to change. And I KNOW that we are still working on him realizing when he hurts me and me trusting him again. My boundary (RULE) that I set with him is that every time he does those actions I get to write a $50 check from his account to my account. I do know money affects him and I am not sure if that worked or the fact that I made it purely BLACK and WHITE what I was mad about and what he needed to stop and what would happen if he didn't. Like a child.
All I know is that I am really gun shy right now and it seems every time I get a little comfortable with us I have a new behavior to stop.
I visited friends this weekend and discussed our problems minus the sex and porn addiction. Saying it all out loud was really sad. We haven't even gotten to the point in therapy when they feel we can handle being together during the sessions.
Silver lining: I will have money of my own again and my car just got paid off. I will finally feel a little less trapped by the situation and hopefully David will feel the possibility of loosing me. This is hard to say but I just feel I need a break from him for a while. Glad I have a trip out of town in a couple weeks. For the first time I NEED a vacation. I need to forget my everyday life. It is exhausting.
Second Silver Lining: Appetite is better. Sweets-especially chocolate-still doesn't taste right. Honestly most things don't but sweets are way off in flavor.
The bad: David has become obsessed with money and "one upping" me.
The ugly: The constant bickering over money and David's need to be the center of attention has cased me to bring back the reality that we are still not at the point to deal with fights over little things.
I am working on not stewing in my own anger. When he finally pushed me over the edge with the one upping ("You think YOU had a bad day!!!") and money nit picking ("why did you deposit this check instead of giving it to me? That was MY $100.") I simply told him that this needs to change. And I KNOW that we are still working on him realizing when he hurts me and me trusting him again. My boundary (RULE) that I set with him is that every time he does those actions I get to write a $50 check from his account to my account. I do know money affects him and I am not sure if that worked or the fact that I made it purely BLACK and WHITE what I was mad about and what he needed to stop and what would happen if he didn't. Like a child.
All I know is that I am really gun shy right now and it seems every time I get a little comfortable with us I have a new behavior to stop.
I visited friends this weekend and discussed our problems minus the sex and porn addiction. Saying it all out loud was really sad. We haven't even gotten to the point in therapy when they feel we can handle being together during the sessions.
Silver lining: I will have money of my own again and my car just got paid off. I will finally feel a little less trapped by the situation and hopefully David will feel the possibility of loosing me. This is hard to say but I just feel I need a break from him for a while. Glad I have a trip out of town in a couple weeks. For the first time I NEED a vacation. I need to forget my everyday life. It is exhausting.
Second Silver Lining: Appetite is better. Sweets-especially chocolate-still doesn't taste right. Honestly most things don't but sweets are way off in flavor.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year...New Therapist
Still waiting for David to go to the Psychiatrist and I started going to a new Psychologist. I liked her and she was so calm and understanding so I was surprised when she said that I need to see her weekly.
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
David is having urges
When I am away from David for longer than a couple hours I have started asking how he dealt with that idle time. These where the times that he used porn the most in the past before I found out.
My computer is still locked with a secret password every time I leave but I still ask if he had urges or acted on them. Honestly I am not sure what I would do if he did act on them.
The first 6 weeks after my discover of his sex addiction he said he never had any urges and just thinking about how hurt I was made him never want to do that again.
The last couple times I have asked him he said that he did have urges but didn't act on them. He said it was the idle time that makes his mind go back to porn.
Realizing that this is not something that will just go away is hard. Knowing it is something we will probably have to work on and always work on is depressing. It is something that has made me a little sad today. Reality is hard. I think I need to make the next COSA online meeting to vent.
I used to be able to talk to the few friends who I told but I know they are tired hearing of my problems. I don't blame them. I am tired of having my problems.
My computer is still locked with a secret password every time I leave but I still ask if he had urges or acted on them. Honestly I am not sure what I would do if he did act on them.
The first 6 weeks after my discover of his sex addiction he said he never had any urges and just thinking about how hurt I was made him never want to do that again.
The last couple times I have asked him he said that he did have urges but didn't act on them. He said it was the idle time that makes his mind go back to porn.
Realizing that this is not something that will just go away is hard. Knowing it is something we will probably have to work on and always work on is depressing. It is something that has made me a little sad today. Reality is hard. I think I need to make the next COSA online meeting to vent.
I used to be able to talk to the few friends who I told but I know they are tired hearing of my problems. I don't blame them. I am tired of having my problems.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Ameture Phychologist
Since I have known my husband I have always thought he had anxiety problems especially social anxiety. He deals with social events either by avoiding them, drinking too much at the event to "have fun" or punishing me if I force him to go to an event (pouting is one of his favorite ways to punish me).
He has finally agreed to see a psychiatrist to get on something to help him with his anxiety. Let me give you a couple examples of his anxiety levels when it comes to social or work things. This way you can see the extremes he goes to to deal with his anxiety or punish me.
*Once drank so much at a party he had invited friends to to make up for the bad time he thought his friends were having that he fell down a flight of stairs, knocked out his front teeth, broke his nose and split his lip open. We thought he had broken his neck or back as well but he was spared those injuries.
*At a Bar Mitzvah we were invited to he got so upset that I left him alone to go dance with some of my co workers (not out of jealousy but anxiety) that he not only left to go sit in the car without telling anyone...he moved the car away from the party so I couldn't find him and assumed he left me there and then didn't understand why I was upset. PS it was a 5 minute song and I went right back to where I had left him sitting because I knew he hated parties.
*Got drunk one night trying to show a friend a good time (see a pattern) that he went into his office drunk at 1:30am to email a subordinate to see if anyone from the office was out drinking. Forgot about doing it until he checked his email and then spent two nights worrying so much about it that he did NOT sleep for two days. Not an exaggeration. I read the email and said it was rather unprofessional but not harassing or inappropriate just way too late to be emailing coworkers to find people are out. This made him feel better but he still lost days of sleep.
David is a happy drunk and from what I have heard about him before I met him he was extremely shy unless he was drinking. He didn't date much in high school or college and had the same group of friends since he was in t-ball. He never had to come out of his shell to make friends or get jobs. Since graduating from college he has had to WORK at being social and friendly when not drinking and I notice if he is in a situation that he feels anxious (especially about being accepted) he usually lubricates the problem with lots of alcohol. At least he is a happy, if sometimes clumsy, drunk.
From what I have gleaned off the internet he is pretty textbook for the types of people that get into addictions. This is one of his traits that always seem to be on the list. Anxiety, and not being able to handle it in a healthy way, can really destroy your life.
He has finally agreed to see a psychiatrist to get on something to help him with his anxiety. Let me give you a couple examples of his anxiety levels when it comes to social or work things. This way you can see the extremes he goes to to deal with his anxiety or punish me.
*Once drank so much at a party he had invited friends to to make up for the bad time he thought his friends were having that he fell down a flight of stairs, knocked out his front teeth, broke his nose and split his lip open. We thought he had broken his neck or back as well but he was spared those injuries.
*At a Bar Mitzvah we were invited to he got so upset that I left him alone to go dance with some of my co workers (not out of jealousy but anxiety) that he not only left to go sit in the car without telling anyone...he moved the car away from the party so I couldn't find him and assumed he left me there and then didn't understand why I was upset. PS it was a 5 minute song and I went right back to where I had left him sitting because I knew he hated parties.
*Got drunk one night trying to show a friend a good time (see a pattern) that he went into his office drunk at 1:30am to email a subordinate to see if anyone from the office was out drinking. Forgot about doing it until he checked his email and then spent two nights worrying so much about it that he did NOT sleep for two days. Not an exaggeration. I read the email and said it was rather unprofessional but not harassing or inappropriate just way too late to be emailing coworkers to find people are out. This made him feel better but he still lost days of sleep.
David is a happy drunk and from what I have heard about him before I met him he was extremely shy unless he was drinking. He didn't date much in high school or college and had the same group of friends since he was in t-ball. He never had to come out of his shell to make friends or get jobs. Since graduating from college he has had to WORK at being social and friendly when not drinking and I notice if he is in a situation that he feels anxious (especially about being accepted) he usually lubricates the problem with lots of alcohol. At least he is a happy, if sometimes clumsy, drunk.
From what I have gleaned off the internet he is pretty textbook for the types of people that get into addictions. This is one of his traits that always seem to be on the list. Anxiety, and not being able to handle it in a healthy way, can really destroy your life.
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