"Maybe it is you"

My last post got a very interesting comment.  Essentially the person asked if maybe David's addiction was due to our lack of sex life.  It was almost as if I went back in time and asked myself the question.

There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm.  That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it.  Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away. 

Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction.  This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him?  After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.

Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him.  Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much."  Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more.  If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"

It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me.  He had signs of it before we even met.  I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex! 

Working on the co-dependency has been hard.  It is easier with him out of the house.  Not easy.  Just easier.

Do I,,,,

deserve this?
want this?
want to deal with this situation anymore?
feel he is worth it?
want to put our relationship before my well being?
worry more about our debts than the real problem?
think he is worth it?
understand his problem?
feel he is trying enough?
love him enough?

We will find out soon enough.

New Year...New Therapist

Still waiting for David to go to the Psychiatrist and I started going to a new Psychologist.  I liked her and she was so calm and understanding so I was surprised when she said that I need to see her weekly.

She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support. 

In this session I realized how angry I am with David.  His actions have affected me so much.  There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face. 

She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either. 

As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114.  I am averaging about 500 calories a day.  Some days nothing.  Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry.  I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back. 

New years went fine.  Nothing crazy.  David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party.  He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time.  He makes everything in his mind worse than it is.  He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend.  How he must exhaust himself.  I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it.  His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction. 

Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day.  Still hunting for full time but no luck yet.  Wish me luck!

Sex addics diet!

Over the holidays I weighed myself because we don't have a scale in our house.  Last year this time I weighed 139.  This year same time I weigh 114. 

I don't know if it is the stress or the medicine that makes me not want to eat.  Even over the holidays when the food is the best and the snacks are amazing the only thing that really sounded good was Egg Nog.  And that was a bad idea.  Going from about 500 calories a day to Egg Nog is not recommended. 

It seemed like I was getting hungry again and then yesterday it dropped again.  If I have distractions from our troubles my desire to eat comes back a little.  Now that we are back to our day to day lives my appetite is back to almost nothing. 

Yesterday I had a leftover biscuit, one egg, one slice of american cheese, a glass of milk, and a cup of pasta and meat sauce.  I worked on my feet for almost 10 hours and wasn't even hungry when I got home. 

I fit into clothes that I wore in 1998.

My day in the chair...

Saw my new psychiatrist.  I guess new is not the word...never had one before.  Saw my first psychiatrist today.  Went well.  Didn't cry as much as I did when I saw the therapist a couple weeks ago. 

I like that he wants to get David into a doctor to deal with his anxiety and SA problems and that it won't be him due to a that being a conflict of interest.

I like that he helped make the session about my healing and then get him help on his own.

I like that he told me it was ok to be un-trusting and snoopy and that will take time to get over. 

I like that he made me feel less alone.  He said David's problem is becoming more and more common.

I like that from the little he heard about David he agrees that he probably has an anxiety disorder and we are taking the right steps towards getting better.

I like that he didn't assume we will "make it through this".

I also have night terrors (if you don't know what those are in comparison to nightmares go here.  I also sleepwalk.  I also have a habit of falling asleep in repetitive tasks.  So aside from my depression I was a smorgasbord for this doctor. 

He said he had never seen an adult with night terrors.  My dad also sufferers from them so I figured it was common.  From what I have read only about 5% of adults suffer from night terrors.  My husband used to use this condition as a way to sleep in other bedroom and avoid time with me at night. 

He also gave me the name of a local certified sexual addictions therapist.  This one is not on my insurance plan so I am terrified how much it will cost.  But maybe if we put a price on healing David will see value in it and invest more in it. 

My brain hurts.  Have a phone interview today.  Gonna zone out for a while before the call. 

A little about me.

I was looking over this blog and realized that I hadn't really put any information about myself.  Maybe I mentioned my age in there but not much else.  The best way to describe me is someone who has never met a stranger.  I love people and meeting new people and keeping a good support of friends.  I grew up all over due to being a military brat and we eventually settled in a major city in the south.  I attended a southern university known for big football and was in a sorority (I was the spirit chairwoman - shocking ;).  I consider myself of high intelligence and can usually figure anything out on my own.  Except I am a horrible speller and hated Geometry!  I love to read and my favorite book of all time is Lolita.  If you haven't read it go...it takes a talented man to make a horrible thing sound so beautiful!  It is also about addiction so I do see the irony.

I enjoy theatre, movies, tennis, horseback riding, reading, wine, jogging (sometimes!) and LOVE to travel.  If I had all the money in the world I would get on a cruise ship and see everything I could. 

I am petite but not under 5'.  I used to weigh about 125lbs but since this event I am down to about 115.  I had blond hair but since the even I dyed it brown.  It was either that or cut it short.  I have a tendency to change my hair when stressed or sad.  When people describe me they say I am "cute".  If you have ever seen the 90's show "Sabrina the Teen age Witch" I look a lot like Melissa Joan Hart.  One guy at a gas station was convinced I was her and told me he watched the show all the time with his daughters!!

I have big cheeks, great teeth and a face that always gets people talking to me whether I want them to or not.  I was a late bloomer and didn't really become what I consider pretty until about my junior year in high school.  There was a really bad period of bad bangs and spiral perms.  Also I look very young for my age so that doesn't help when everyone wants to act older.  I got carded for an R rated movie when I was 25.  I am now in my mid 30's and consider myself attractive.  I think I am telling all this because I want people to realize that any husband can become addicted to porn and sex.  Even those married to a very nice, pretty, intelligent woman. 

I can honestly say to myself that David's problem didn't come from me "letting myself go".  It came from us not communicating and drifting apart. 

Ok off to shower for the shrinks visit.  Wish me luck