We may have found a cure to sex and porn addiction. Work about 130 hours a week. David's job has been so crazy that sleep has to be scheduled and eating tends to get overlooked. I think we found a cure!
The big negatives are that he has missed doctor appointments and SAA meetings due to travel and work. We are doing ok. Thought I would get some time to spend with him this weekend but that didn't happen. No new developments. No new secrets. No relapses that I know about.
No news...good news? Well at least not bad news. Happy March.
Showing posts with label SAA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SAA. Show all posts
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The first Psych visit for David
It finally happened. Just a mere 3 months since the discovery David finally made it to a phychiatrist appointment to discuss drug options for someone in his position. The place we are going assign you to a drug person (psychiatrist) and a therapist (psychologist) and neither of us go to the same person. David was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD. Both items have a problem with escapism and some of the people turn to addictions like drugs, drinking or other addictions like porn or sex. He has started Paxil yesterday and I hope it helps. I do feel he needs an antidepressant too but I am not his doctor.
I let him miss SAA this week due to a wicked cold that he had been battling all week. It seemed to help but his logic was that if he has therapy he shouldn't have to go to SAA. TO me that is as logical as a fish on a bicycle. Being sick is a good reason. He has been running a fever and been very congested. When he is well...SAA is not an option.
I have been in limbo land as well. I plan on going on a cruise with a friend to Mexico in April and am not sharing this info with David. He doesn't understand that I need these things to help keep me focused on fun things and not focus on the negative. We are still taking it day by day.
Today I found out a friend of mine that was dealing with a separation with her husband found out that her husband was sleeping with one of his teachers from his part time college. I do believe if you think something is going something probably is going on. Same thing is happening with my neighbor. She is going through with the separation from her husband after 17 years of marriage and I told her that there is a way to check texts and even email texts but she doesn't want to know. Were were live is a kind of a no fault state.
If anything ever happens with David and I, it would be interesting to see if my info on him will keep it a "no fault" state.
I have a temp job next week and I have decided not to tell David about it. I will make about 500 bucks and I want them to be mine. Not going to pay off his car or our car insurance or cc bill. Remember his are all paid off. Good for him.
Deep down I am noticing that he is working as hard as he knows how to make this relationship work. Ironically my thin body makes him more attractive to me than ever. But knowing where my body came from doesn't make me like my body. I am about 105 now and do have to force feed myself. I do better if I can eat with friends or family. Left alone I never eat.
Another thing that I have started to do is take an extra $20 out of every time I buy groceries and put it in my own checking account. I figure if I do this every week I am adding almost 2000 a year to my checking that David has not idea about. I need to start looking out for me first. I deep down know I need to TRUST David but even deeper deeper down I know I need to PROTECT me. I used to always keep a thousand in cash as an escape route. I do thing all people (girls or guys) should have this as a way to leave if you want to at anytime. I don't have this now but I am starting to rebuild it. Even if this takes 20 bucks at a time.
No luck on the job front. 13 years of sales experience and I am like a leper. Hopefully someone soon will realize my ability. Till them I will try to make a stash for myself on my own. Some Days I Hate David. This evening is one of them.
I found the perfect valentines day card for him. It says:
"Even though you are the biggest pain in the Ass I still love you".
Perfect. It is supposed to be funny and ironic. In my case it is serious and not ironic.
How Ironic.
I let him miss SAA this week due to a wicked cold that he had been battling all week. It seemed to help but his logic was that if he has therapy he shouldn't have to go to SAA. TO me that is as logical as a fish on a bicycle. Being sick is a good reason. He has been running a fever and been very congested. When he is well...SAA is not an option.
I have been in limbo land as well. I plan on going on a cruise with a friend to Mexico in April and am not sharing this info with David. He doesn't understand that I need these things to help keep me focused on fun things and not focus on the negative. We are still taking it day by day.
Today I found out a friend of mine that was dealing with a separation with her husband found out that her husband was sleeping with one of his teachers from his part time college. I do believe if you think something is going something probably is going on. Same thing is happening with my neighbor. She is going through with the separation from her husband after 17 years of marriage and I told her that there is a way to check texts and even email texts but she doesn't want to know. Were were live is a kind of a no fault state.
If anything ever happens with David and I, it would be interesting to see if my info on him will keep it a "no fault" state.
I have a temp job next week and I have decided not to tell David about it. I will make about 500 bucks and I want them to be mine. Not going to pay off his car or our car insurance or cc bill. Remember his are all paid off. Good for him.
Deep down I am noticing that he is working as hard as he knows how to make this relationship work. Ironically my thin body makes him more attractive to me than ever. But knowing where my body came from doesn't make me like my body. I am about 105 now and do have to force feed myself. I do better if I can eat with friends or family. Left alone I never eat.
Another thing that I have started to do is take an extra $20 out of every time I buy groceries and put it in my own checking account. I figure if I do this every week I am adding almost 2000 a year to my checking that David has not idea about. I need to start looking out for me first. I deep down know I need to TRUST David but even deeper deeper down I know I need to PROTECT me. I used to always keep a thousand in cash as an escape route. I do thing all people (girls or guys) should have this as a way to leave if you want to at anytime. I don't have this now but I am starting to rebuild it. Even if this takes 20 bucks at a time.
No luck on the job front. 13 years of sales experience and I am like a leper. Hopefully someone soon will realize my ability. Till them I will try to make a stash for myself on my own. Some Days I Hate David. This evening is one of them.
I found the perfect valentines day card for him. It says:
"Even though you are the biggest pain in the Ass I still love you".
Perfect. It is supposed to be funny and ironic. In my case it is serious and not ironic.
How Ironic.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Not sure if this marriage will work. David "jokingly" has started calling me slut and whore. The irony is not lost on me. He is sleeping in the other room as I type. It was my choice. He said I can't take a joke. Yeah. Haha. These last three months have been fucking hilarious. Right now I can say I hate him and am so angry at him. He will use this as an exuse to not attend his SAA group tomorrow.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Boundaries
It took me a long time to realize that when people on chat rooms and other blogs said they had to set "boundaries" with thier sex addicted spouse I didn't realize it was a friendly way to say RULES. I have set two with David.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
SAA
My husband has not enjoyed going to these meetings. He has only gone to two and he hasn't shared yet but he has no choice. One of my "boundaries" is that he has to go until his doctors tell him not to. I feel that SAA is like a reminder of how much worse it could have been. As a reminder (not that I need it) my husband was addicted to online porn for the last two years. During bad days he would spend 13 hours straight on the computer, phone, chat rooms, or sexting.
He goes to SAA with people who have lost everything due to sex addictions. David has jeopardized a lot but since it never went past the fantasy world I have chosen for now to stay with him. If someone used to be overweight and to avoid going back to those unhealthy habits they post a picture of their former selves on the fridge, I feel it is a good reminder of remember what you were and what could be again.
That is how I feel SAA is. A weekly reminder of why those actions are not welcome in his life anymore. Pretending that these last two years never happened is not the answer.
And on a venting side note...due to bad weather last week his Phych appt has been delayed until next month. Sigh. I feel like something is working against me getting him to the doctor.
He goes to SAA with people who have lost everything due to sex addictions. David has jeopardized a lot but since it never went past the fantasy world I have chosen for now to stay with him. If someone used to be overweight and to avoid going back to those unhealthy habits they post a picture of their former selves on the fridge, I feel it is a good reminder of remember what you were and what could be again.
That is how I feel SAA is. A weekly reminder of why those actions are not welcome in his life anymore. Pretending that these last two years never happened is not the answer.
And on a venting side note...due to bad weather last week his Phych appt has been delayed until next month. Sigh. I feel like something is working against me getting him to the doctor.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Back to the real world
My fears with leaving David were semi unfounded. He is working his butt off at work so he didn't have time to give in to a relapse. He has his compulsive side and it can work towards good sometimes.
I got stuck in Florida with the southeastern storm locking up all ways out. The trip was longer than expected and he still did good. The bad news is that we live somewhere in the southeast and his first Psychiatrist appointment had to be postponed due to bad weather. SOOOO he still hasn't gotten professional medical treatment.
My appointments were all messed up too but the one hiccup we had was that David missed his SAA appointment because he figured if he couldn't show that he went what was the point.
Sigh.
He did go this week and I had to establish the boundary that he is to go to every SAA meeting unless he is told by his doctor not to or has a meeting with a boss that he can prove with an email or voicemail.
He says going to SAA makes him feel bad but I think that is a good thing. You need to remember what could have been to appreciate where you are.
Like someone who has lost a ton of weight keeping an unflattering fat photo of themselves on the fridge. It doesn't take a lot to fall back into bad (and very established) habits.
He went to SAA this week. We are talking so much more than before.
I can honestly say I missed him. And he said the same and for once I feel I wasn't just getting lip service.
I got stuck in Florida with the southeastern storm locking up all ways out. The trip was longer than expected and he still did good. The bad news is that we live somewhere in the southeast and his first Psychiatrist appointment had to be postponed due to bad weather. SOOOO he still hasn't gotten professional medical treatment.
My appointments were all messed up too but the one hiccup we had was that David missed his SAA appointment because he figured if he couldn't show that he went what was the point.
Sigh.
He did go this week and I had to establish the boundary that he is to go to every SAA meeting unless he is told by his doctor not to or has a meeting with a boss that he can prove with an email or voicemail.
He says going to SAA makes him feel bad but I think that is a good thing. You need to remember what could have been to appreciate where you are.
Like someone who has lost a ton of weight keeping an unflattering fat photo of themselves on the fridge. It doesn't take a lot to fall back into bad (and very established) habits.
He went to SAA this week. We are talking so much more than before.
I can honestly say I missed him. And he said the same and for once I feel I wasn't just getting lip service.
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