I have said it before. It is less the act of the chat rooms and porn and more the lies and deceit. The lack of respect is part of it, too. A little over one year into this struggle I have found David deep in his addiction once again. He had been acting distant and extremely sensitive. There was nothing I could do that was right. He was doing little things (sometimes big things) to get "even" with me. Sunday was my 35th birthday and I was out of town Saturday and most of Sunday to see a football game. That morning when we texted - oh by the way he bought himself the new iPhone but that is another problem - I had to remind him it was my birthday because he didn't call and I was the one who initiated the chat. I asked to see a movie when I got home and he said, "Maybe."
When I got home a little before 9pm, I walked into a dirty house with no indication of it being my birthday. No card, no gift, no note, no nothing. He wasn't even awake. He was taking a nap upstairs. This was his way of getting back at me for not celebrating my birthday with him. Because my birthday should be all about David. Logical.
We got in a huge fight because this was the old David. The distant, selfish, spiteful David. All my instincts were telling me there was something wrong.
Noticing he had gone through about 3 tubes of my expensive lotion in 2 days was a big indicator, too.
Today I reviewed our phone bill. I did not want him to get the iPhone and had told him as much. He didn't listen. Within 3 minutes of looking at the bill I saw random phone numbers called and multimedia texts being sent and received to his number. A good portion of them on my birthday.
After calling one of the numbers and "Jade" answered I knew what was going on. These were not coworkers or classmates. These were sexts with random people.
It took 15 calls to his cell phone before he answered. He finally admitted that he had been struggling the last month and the iPhone was a very bad idea. He had been using a computer that was broken (not sure if he got it repaired just for his addiction or if it just started working again). As we talked I drove to his office. He recently started another job in finance.
I pulled in and asked for his cell phone. He gave it to me and asked if he could sit in the car and talk. Once the phone was in my hand I drove away. He had weeks to talk to me and say he needed help and was having weak moments. Talking opportunities were done.
So this is where we are at:
He has tonight between 7-10 to clean out whatever he wants of his stuff
He is to move out tonight
I have taken him and his cars off of my insurance
I have cancelled his phone number and returned the iPhone
I have changed our homeowners insurance to not cover his personal items
There is a locksmith coming tomorrow morning to change the locks
I have an appointment with the divorce lawyer on Monday
Stopped payment on a check that I had written to him for our taxes (they direct deposited to me and he was going to use the money to start paying down some of his debt). No small amount $7000 tax return.
Signed up for benefits just for me. No link to David.
Removed him as the beneficiary on my life insurance
BOUGHT MY OWN BIRTHDAY GIFT. I had asked for the new Nook and now I have it.
I feel numb and like I am on auto pilot. And empty.
Showing posts with label porn addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label porn addiction. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Things can't get any worse!
This phrase is something that a sex addicts spouse learns to NEVER mutter. You do it once...you never do it again.
David has been laid off of his job. Last day is next week. Good. Things seemed to have gotten almost non crap-tastic. Pray that he finds a good job soon. We have about 4 months of savings...then we have to start selling things.
I would cry if it all wasn't so damn funny.
David has been laid off of his job. Last day is next week. Good. Things seemed to have gotten almost non crap-tastic. Pray that he finds a good job soon. We have about 4 months of savings...then we have to start selling things.
I would cry if it all wasn't so damn funny.
Time keeps ticking on....
The hardest thing about this personal addiction is deciding when to start trying to forgive. And I stress trying. The strange thing is I never thought about forgiving David until about a month ago. Long story short is that I went crazy in front of his family and did everything but rehash the details of our problems. His family is non confrontational which is a major part of our problems. He escapes rather than deal. I deal rather than escape. Hey...opposites attract.
CODA has helped me so much with my problems. SAA has helped David. I am not sure what will help us as a couple unless the answer is just time. I see the few people I have told look at me with pity in thier eyes. They wonder why I stay with him. I am still young, attractive and rather intelligent. Why would I waste my time with this loser? Why do I love him? I don't know.
The other day I got picked up at a bar after work but a VERY good looking guy from New York. Italian, in good shape and heavy with compliments. I was wearing my ring and he freely told me he was engaged. Our conversation was witty, sexy and fun. But at the end of the night when he leaned in for a kiss I felt no spark. No desire. I appreciated the ego boost and would have loved to have met him in another time but didn't want more than a hug or a peck on the cheek. He had no part of my heart. Only one person does right now. David.
Obviously my heart is masochistic.
It is such hard work. I see glimmers. We went to couples therapy and our psychologist said he wished all wives were as educated and open as I was. Ha. It just took me a year. And a lot of wine. David and I do talk a lot. We are honest. Honesty sometimes hurts. He has had a bad day that involved porn and chat rooms. It was one day and he told me within our weeks understanding. It hurt. But not as bad as finding out on my own and him lying about it.
I know David is trying. But I feel I am trying harder. I have got to focus on myself. If I am not happy I can never be happy with other people. I have to stop thinking of recovery as a competition. It is not my job to be better at it than he is. Avoiding codependency is hard. Helps me realize what an addiction really is like.
CODA has helped me so much with my problems. SAA has helped David. I am not sure what will help us as a couple unless the answer is just time. I see the few people I have told look at me with pity in thier eyes. They wonder why I stay with him. I am still young, attractive and rather intelligent. Why would I waste my time with this loser? Why do I love him? I don't know.
The other day I got picked up at a bar after work but a VERY good looking guy from New York. Italian, in good shape and heavy with compliments. I was wearing my ring and he freely told me he was engaged. Our conversation was witty, sexy and fun. But at the end of the night when he leaned in for a kiss I felt no spark. No desire. I appreciated the ego boost and would have loved to have met him in another time but didn't want more than a hug or a peck on the cheek. He had no part of my heart. Only one person does right now. David.
Obviously my heart is masochistic.
It is such hard work. I see glimmers. We went to couples therapy and our psychologist said he wished all wives were as educated and open as I was. Ha. It just took me a year. And a lot of wine. David and I do talk a lot. We are honest. Honesty sometimes hurts. He has had a bad day that involved porn and chat rooms. It was one day and he told me within our weeks understanding. It hurt. But not as bad as finding out on my own and him lying about it.
I know David is trying. But I feel I am trying harder. I have got to focus on myself. If I am not happy I can never be happy with other people. I have to stop thinking of recovery as a competition. It is not my job to be better at it than he is. Avoiding codependency is hard. Helps me realize what an addiction really is like.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
SAA
My husband has not enjoyed going to these meetings. He has only gone to two and he hasn't shared yet but he has no choice. One of my "boundaries" is that he has to go until his doctors tell him not to. I feel that SAA is like a reminder of how much worse it could have been. As a reminder (not that I need it) my husband was addicted to online porn for the last two years. During bad days he would spend 13 hours straight on the computer, phone, chat rooms, or sexting.
He goes to SAA with people who have lost everything due to sex addictions. David has jeopardized a lot but since it never went past the fantasy world I have chosen for now to stay with him. If someone used to be overweight and to avoid going back to those unhealthy habits they post a picture of their former selves on the fridge, I feel it is a good reminder of remember what you were and what could be again.
That is how I feel SAA is. A weekly reminder of why those actions are not welcome in his life anymore. Pretending that these last two years never happened is not the answer.
And on a venting side note...due to bad weather last week his Phych appt has been delayed until next month. Sigh. I feel like something is working against me getting him to the doctor.
He goes to SAA with people who have lost everything due to sex addictions. David has jeopardized a lot but since it never went past the fantasy world I have chosen for now to stay with him. If someone used to be overweight and to avoid going back to those unhealthy habits they post a picture of their former selves on the fridge, I feel it is a good reminder of remember what you were and what could be again.
That is how I feel SAA is. A weekly reminder of why those actions are not welcome in his life anymore. Pretending that these last two years never happened is not the answer.
And on a venting side note...due to bad weather last week his Phych appt has been delayed until next month. Sigh. I feel like something is working against me getting him to the doctor.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year...New Therapist
Still waiting for David to go to the Psychiatrist and I started going to a new Psychologist. I liked her and she was so calm and understanding so I was surprised when she said that I need to see her weekly.
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
She said that because there are few people that I can really talk about this problem with (only a couple friends know and NO family) she said that I need to have a safe place to talk and need more support.
In this session I realized how angry I am with David. His actions have affected me so much. There is not one day that doesn't go by in which his sex addiction has not slapped me in the face.
She also said that my not eating could be the medicine but it is probably because food is related to nourishment and self care and right now I don't feel like I deserve either.
As mentioned before this time last year I was a 139 and now I am 114. I am averaging about 500 calories a day. Some days nothing. Food looks bad and tastes bad and I am never really hungry. I know it is just muscle that I am loosing and as soon as I feel "better" all the weight will come back.
New years went fine. Nothing crazy. David's anxiety came up when I mentioned we should visit the neighbor's party. He bargained not to go and as soon as he got there he had a good time. He makes everything in his mind worse than it is. He also obsessed about a gift he needed to return for about 3 days this weekend. How he must exhaust himself. I am starting to see how with something with porn as an escape he got so lost in it. His OCD, anxiety and tunnel vision is made for addiction.
Started a temp job today and it keeps my mind occupied 8 hours of the day. Still hunting for full time but no luck yet. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
David is having urges
When I am away from David for longer than a couple hours I have started asking how he dealt with that idle time. These where the times that he used porn the most in the past before I found out.
My computer is still locked with a secret password every time I leave but I still ask if he had urges or acted on them. Honestly I am not sure what I would do if he did act on them.
The first 6 weeks after my discover of his sex addiction he said he never had any urges and just thinking about how hurt I was made him never want to do that again.
The last couple times I have asked him he said that he did have urges but didn't act on them. He said it was the idle time that makes his mind go back to porn.
Realizing that this is not something that will just go away is hard. Knowing it is something we will probably have to work on and always work on is depressing. It is something that has made me a little sad today. Reality is hard. I think I need to make the next COSA online meeting to vent.
I used to be able to talk to the few friends who I told but I know they are tired hearing of my problems. I don't blame them. I am tired of having my problems.
My computer is still locked with a secret password every time I leave but I still ask if he had urges or acted on them. Honestly I am not sure what I would do if he did act on them.
The first 6 weeks after my discover of his sex addiction he said he never had any urges and just thinking about how hurt I was made him never want to do that again.
The last couple times I have asked him he said that he did have urges but didn't act on them. He said it was the idle time that makes his mind go back to porn.
Realizing that this is not something that will just go away is hard. Knowing it is something we will probably have to work on and always work on is depressing. It is something that has made me a little sad today. Reality is hard. I think I need to make the next COSA online meeting to vent.
I used to be able to talk to the few friends who I told but I know they are tired hearing of my problems. I don't blame them. I am tired of having my problems.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Devil on my shoulder.
This weekend I was very spiteful. Not sure if it was lack of sleep or just stress or that David and I are finally getting a little more comfortable around each other. I tell tell his stress levels are dropping and mine are leveling off a bit. BUT the devil is looking at every negative thing and wanting to make hurtful comments at every turn.
And David makes it easy. I do believe he lacks empathy more than most people so that when he talks he doesn't even think about how his words will sound to the other person. Also a sign of his narcissism.
We were talking about my possible second interview for a sales job. I have submitted more paperwork and am waiting for them to contact me once references are checked. David said he can't wait for me to get a job because then we will be able to put some money in the bank and be in really good financial shape.
Up pops the devil on my shoulder.
The devil makes me say "Well you know the main reason I am looking for a job is so that if I decide to leave you I will have my own money before I take you to court and get spousal support."
Did anything good come from that conversation? No. Did I feel better after it? No.
Another time this weekend I asked him a little more about his chat room behavior. He at this point did not know I was able to decode a good portion of his Yahoo chats and copy them to my personal email account.
Devil, "So when you were chatting with these girls did you ask for their phone number or did they ask for yours?"
David, "I never initiated calling these girls...I learned quickly that once you gave out your phone number they would text you all hours of the day and night."
Devil, "Really because when I found some old chat logs on your computer it seems like you would ask them for their number so they could hear you cum."
Then the devil proceeds to look up this chat log and read it to David:
And David makes it easy. I do believe he lacks empathy more than most people so that when he talks he doesn't even think about how his words will sound to the other person. Also a sign of his narcissism.
We were talking about my possible second interview for a sales job. I have submitted more paperwork and am waiting for them to contact me once references are checked. David said he can't wait for me to get a job because then we will be able to put some money in the bank and be in really good financial shape.
Up pops the devil on my shoulder.
The devil makes me say "Well you know the main reason I am looking for a job is so that if I decide to leave you I will have my own money before I take you to court and get spousal support."
Did anything good come from that conversation? No. Did I feel better after it? No.
Another time this weekend I asked him a little more about his chat room behavior. He at this point did not know I was able to decode a good portion of his Yahoo chats and copy them to my personal email account.
Devil, "So when you were chatting with these girls did you ask for their phone number or did they ask for yours?"
David, "I never initiated calling these girls...I learned quickly that once you gave out your phone number they would text you all hours of the day and night."
Devil, "Really because when I found some old chat logs on your computer it seems like you would ask them for their number so they could hear you cum."
Then the devil proceeds to look up this chat log and read it to David:
David (18:40:52): can i call ur celly real aquick and we can cum together?
David (18:41:00): i'll moan for u
anda (18:41:06): that felt amazing
anda (18:41:08): wow
David (18:41:23): wanna hear me cum?
anda (18:42:13): i dont like to give out my number babe but you can record it and email it to me if you wanna be extra nice
David (18:42:23): lol
David (18:42:31): yea too many weirdos here
So did showing David that I had even more details about his problem and proof that he was lying to me make me feel any better? Nope. It did make him feel worse.
Saddest thing is he hoped that I was not sitting at home all day digging over the computer and not getting anything else done. Really? He asked me that? Because he hasn't gone two days without eating before because he was so wired up to porn to notice that he was hungry? Hmmmm...he must live in the most beautiful glass house.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Went OCD tonight.
I have read about being co dependent...blah blah blah. Tonight I went crazy nuts to find anything on David's computer from his porn addiction. Found more photos (none since he was discovered) and found archives of his yahoo chats.
I am a bit of a computer nerd and was able to get them all decoded and read all of them. I also emailed a copy of all of them to myself in case we don't make it through this. Between the text messages, the emails, the photos, the registrations on social sites and now true conversations with 18 year olds I think I have a good case for spousal support if I choose to leave or he does something worse.
Some of the chat room messages were worse than I thought. He had told me that usually the girls called him and he never initiated calling but in the more recent texts I can see how he had to start escalating the excitement to get off. He started asking for cams, more pics and if they could call so they could hear each other climax.
Not sure if seeing all of these has made me feel better (no new items on the computer) or worse. Either way I needed to do it at least once just to cleanse this computer. It is mine now and it finally feels like mine. All of the porn and dirt are in one folder and double saved on email but not hiding waiting to jump out at me one day.
The strangest thing is most of the chats where so silly. I will give you one example:
urfriend: so what are you doing teenspot
d: havent been on in a while
d: just logged in for a min to get tired
d: lol
d: what about u?
urfriend: trying to meet a local guy
d: cool cool
d: nothing wrong with that
urfriend: yeah, just looking for a nice guy to get to know, get me out of the house lol
urfriend: dating
d: yea
d: staying in sucks after a while
urfriend: yeah
urfriend: sooo
urfriend: ummm
urfriend: what do you want to talk about
d: hmmmm
d: whatever you want
d: cool with me
urfriend: lol
d: dating, sex, sports, school
d: lol
urfriend: um
urfriend: hm
d: hahaha
urfriend: idk
urfriend: dating
d: cool
Really...even the graphic stuff is repetitive. I guess I feel better because from the chats I saw it was obvious that he wasn't trying to physically meet any of the women or establish any real relationships. But was any of it worth possibly destroying your marriage? Time for bed. Some days I just feel like he is an idiot.
By the way if anyone wants to decode .dat files you find on your computer from Yahoo Messenger all you have to do is go to http://www.archive-decoder.com/ and upload your dat file. It is free and gives you date and time stamps. If anyone needs help on how to find these on a shared computer just let me know. Sometimes being a computer nerd helps.
I am a bit of a computer nerd and was able to get them all decoded and read all of them. I also emailed a copy of all of them to myself in case we don't make it through this. Between the text messages, the emails, the photos, the registrations on social sites and now true conversations with 18 year olds I think I have a good case for spousal support if I choose to leave or he does something worse.
Some of the chat room messages were worse than I thought. He had told me that usually the girls called him and he never initiated calling but in the more recent texts I can see how he had to start escalating the excitement to get off. He started asking for cams, more pics and if they could call so they could hear each other climax.
Not sure if seeing all of these has made me feel better (no new items on the computer) or worse. Either way I needed to do it at least once just to cleanse this computer. It is mine now and it finally feels like mine. All of the porn and dirt are in one folder and double saved on email but not hiding waiting to jump out at me one day.
The strangest thing is most of the chats where so silly. I will give you one example:
urfriend: so what are you doing teenspot
d: havent been on in a while
d: just logged in for a min to get tired
d: lol
d: what about u?
urfriend: trying to meet a local guy
d: cool cool
d: nothing wrong with that
urfriend: yeah, just looking for a nice guy to get to know, get me out of the house lol
urfriend: dating
d: yea
d: staying in sucks after a while
urfriend: yeah
urfriend: sooo
urfriend: ummm
urfriend: what do you want to talk about
d: hmmmm
d: whatever you want
d: cool with me
urfriend: lol
d: dating, sex, sports, school
d: lol
urfriend: um
urfriend: hm
d: hahaha
urfriend: idk
urfriend: dating
d: cool
Really...even the graphic stuff is repetitive. I guess I feel better because from the chats I saw it was obvious that he wasn't trying to physically meet any of the women or establish any real relationships. But was any of it worth possibly destroying your marriage? Time for bed. Some days I just feel like he is an idiot.
By the way if anyone wants to decode .dat files you find on your computer from Yahoo Messenger all you have to do is go to http://www.archive-decoder.com/ and upload your dat file. It is free and gives you date and time stamps. If anyone needs help on how to find these on a shared computer just let me know. Sometimes being a computer nerd helps.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Fear of leaving him.
This weekend a good friend of mine is having a going away party about 4 hours away and I would need to stay the night since it is late and drinking would be involved. I told her I couldn't make it due to money issues (20% true) but the real reason is I am absolutely terrified of leaving my spouse home alone.
He has already shown a habit of diving into porn when I am away from home. I have phone records and email and text records to back that up. He has also engaged in porn when I was sitting 10 feet from him but it was more rampant when I am away. One of the most hurtful times he has fallen into Internet porn was when I was driving home alone to my parents house in order to make our move from his grad school easier for him. It was a 16 hour drive and I had two dogs in my car and had to cross over 5 states. I kept David informed of my progress by text message. On the day that I found out about this entire addiction I looked at that day and the next day when I completed the drive (it was a holiday weekend so easy to remember the date) and saw that he texted about 15 different number for almost 7 hours each day. What a way for him to say thank you for trying to make things easier for the move.
Back to my current stress...I now don't want to leave him alone. The phone is now just for calls and has no email, text or Internet abilities-at least that saved us money. I lock our only home personal computer so that he can't get onto the Internet at all. Shockingly chat rooms are not something you can block without blocking everything. And his favorite chat rooms were on AOL. It has only been a month (one month today to be exact) and I think I need to be easier on myself with the healing and realize it will take a long time to trust him and to trust myself to trust him. Trust....what we lost that I miss the most.
I know one day I will have to leave him alone. I also know he has a job that gives him the opportunity to do other things and just tell me he is at work. The only thing that keeps me from worrying about that is I know that he is too scared to lose his job to jeopardize that and he (according to him and what he has told his therapist) he has never had physical contact with any women. And in a weird way I know he would never use a prostitute because he is too cheap. Kinda funny but true. Had he had to pay for half of what he did online or on the phone this problem would have taken a lot longer to develop. Either that or we would be thousands of dollars in debt.
I pray that one day I can trust him alone. Will let you know when that day comes.
He has already shown a habit of diving into porn when I am away from home. I have phone records and email and text records to back that up. He has also engaged in porn when I was sitting 10 feet from him but it was more rampant when I am away. One of the most hurtful times he has fallen into Internet porn was when I was driving home alone to my parents house in order to make our move from his grad school easier for him. It was a 16 hour drive and I had two dogs in my car and had to cross over 5 states. I kept David informed of my progress by text message. On the day that I found out about this entire addiction I looked at that day and the next day when I completed the drive (it was a holiday weekend so easy to remember the date) and saw that he texted about 15 different number for almost 7 hours each day. What a way for him to say thank you for trying to make things easier for the move.
Back to my current stress...I now don't want to leave him alone. The phone is now just for calls and has no email, text or Internet abilities-at least that saved us money. I lock our only home personal computer so that he can't get onto the Internet at all. Shockingly chat rooms are not something you can block without blocking everything. And his favorite chat rooms were on AOL. It has only been a month (one month today to be exact) and I think I need to be easier on myself with the healing and realize it will take a long time to trust him and to trust myself to trust him. Trust....what we lost that I miss the most.
I know one day I will have to leave him alone. I also know he has a job that gives him the opportunity to do other things and just tell me he is at work. The only thing that keeps me from worrying about that is I know that he is too scared to lose his job to jeopardize that and he (according to him and what he has told his therapist) he has never had physical contact with any women. And in a weird way I know he would never use a prostitute because he is too cheap. Kinda funny but true. Had he had to pay for half of what he did online or on the phone this problem would have taken a lot longer to develop. Either that or we would be thousands of dollars in debt.
I pray that one day I can trust him alone. Will let you know when that day comes.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I have to read my magazines!
Down time is hard due to not trying to think about everything. I took some time the other day to catch up on my magazines that I get in the mail. I was a couple months behind on most of them.
One article jumped up and bit me. Reading it was like someone had peeked into my life and submitted it to Ladies Home Journal.
Can this marriage be saved?
It shocked me that when I went to Borders to look for books about SA I could only fine one but this is a mainstream enough problem that Ladies Home Journal dedicated 3 pages to it.
These stories are based on real couples having real problems. The comments at the bottom left by the general public are rather sad. Confirms why I have only told a select group of friends.
One article jumped up and bit me. Reading it was like someone had peeked into my life and submitted it to Ladies Home Journal.
Can this marriage be saved?
It shocked me that when I went to Borders to look for books about SA I could only fine one but this is a mainstream enough problem that Ladies Home Journal dedicated 3 pages to it.
These stories are based on real couples having real problems. The comments at the bottom left by the general public are rather sad. Confirms why I have only told a select group of friends.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Surprise...everything you thought was wrong
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