Things seemed good. Not great but good. Still having money fights but I thought it was his OCD taking hold in a different place. Anything is better than were it was taking hold.
Thought he was taking his medication and doing his best to make meetings.
Thought: WOW we over 6 months without a relapse.
Thouht we may have just beaten this thing.
David had pulled the wool over both of our eyes. He relapsed.
Showing posts with label my husband is an idiot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my husband is an idiot. Show all posts
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Limbo Land
We are stuck in a place I am calling Limbo Land. Nothing is getting better but nothing is getting worse. We are dealing with trust issues and the funny thing is that it is more David not trusting me than me not trusting David. He is paraniod about the money I spend. He is saying this to a woman who dyed her hair back to her natural (or as close to my natural) color so that she didn't have to pay 200 bucks every 3 months for highlights and cuts. I clip coupons. I use restaurant.com and groupon for things that we do outside the home. I am a big fan of Redbox. My car is almost paid off (my second paid off car and I am only in my early 30's). Yes, I am the one that you should worry about.
My psychologist said he may be projecting. I want to insert that I am so tired of phsych words that I could spit. He had two years where he was lying to me on a daily basis and during that time he thought there were things I was lying about. Now that we are being more open and truthful he either thinks I am still lying-which I have NEVER done, or he things that I am going to get even with him by maxing out his credit card that he gave me because I haven't found a job yet.
He also doesn't believe that I am hunting for a job. Oh yes, I am sitting at home eating bon-bons. I am not sure what a bon-bon is but that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun than the hours I have spent in staffing offices, online submitting resumes, and phone interviews.
David's first doctor's visit is next week. I really hope that some medication can help.
Trying to save some money I did suggest that if we do go out to eat for Valentine's Day we do it this weekend before places start making their fixed price menus for the holiday.
David: But if we do something this week when Valentine's comes around you will still want to do something else.
Me: Oh yeah. Like last year when all I asked for was a card since we were saving money for a house and you didn't even get me a card. Then you didn't even open my card to for a week.
David: (silence)
David: Well we could go this week if you want to.
Wow. Don't make me force you to try to work on this marriage.
I took my ring off a couple weeks ago. Still only eating about 500-800 calories a day. I tried eating breakfast to hope that would make my appetite return. The only time it comes back is when I am in a completely different environment.
Gonna start running on Saturday to try to see if that boosts my mood.
Tried to think of something positive to end on and I can't think of one.
My psychologist said he may be projecting. I want to insert that I am so tired of phsych words that I could spit. He had two years where he was lying to me on a daily basis and during that time he thought there were things I was lying about. Now that we are being more open and truthful he either thinks I am still lying-which I have NEVER done, or he things that I am going to get even with him by maxing out his credit card that he gave me because I haven't found a job yet.
He also doesn't believe that I am hunting for a job. Oh yes, I am sitting at home eating bon-bons. I am not sure what a bon-bon is but that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun than the hours I have spent in staffing offices, online submitting resumes, and phone interviews.
David's first doctor's visit is next week. I really hope that some medication can help.
Trying to save some money I did suggest that if we do go out to eat for Valentine's Day we do it this weekend before places start making their fixed price menus for the holiday.
David: But if we do something this week when Valentine's comes around you will still want to do something else.
Me: Oh yeah. Like last year when all I asked for was a card since we were saving money for a house and you didn't even get me a card. Then you didn't even open my card to for a week.
David: (silence)
David: Well we could go this week if you want to.
Wow. Don't make me force you to try to work on this marriage.
I took my ring off a couple weeks ago. Still only eating about 500-800 calories a day. I tried eating breakfast to hope that would make my appetite return. The only time it comes back is when I am in a completely different environment.
Gonna start running on Saturday to try to see if that boosts my mood.
Tried to think of something positive to end on and I can't think of one.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Not sure if this marriage will work. David "jokingly" has started calling me slut and whore. The irony is not lost on me. He is sleeping in the other room as I type. It was my choice. He said I can't take a joke. Yeah. Haha. These last three months have been fucking hilarious. Right now I can say I hate him and am so angry at him. He will use this as an exuse to not attend his SAA group tomorrow.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Fight
We got in a big fight last night. After or nice heated email exchange he called and the first words out of his mouth were "You need to calm down."
David has lost the right to tell me to calm down.
He explained that he just didn't read the emails well enough and had he noticed that I wanted him to go to the phych appt over the derm appointment he would have.
Then he said if I am upset I need to send an email and he will step out of the office and call me. That work email is no place to bicker back and forth since they monitor his email because he works with confidential company info.
I told him that if it is because of his actions that we really have no other way to talk during the day. Due to being a SA he has no personal phone, he has no texting, he can't access his email at work or on his phone anymore, and his work phone doesn't even have the voicemail set up yet. His actions have caused me to use his work email as the only place I can talk to him.
The day I found out about his problem I sent him a text that we need to talk ASAP. 4 hours later I sent another asking if he had gotten the last text. So sometimes when it is not convenient to him or he doesn't want to deal with it he won't just step out and call me.
We are still not talking. I can honestly say I hate him right now.
David has lost the right to tell me to calm down.
He explained that he just didn't read the emails well enough and had he noticed that I wanted him to go to the phych appt over the derm appointment he would have.
Then he said if I am upset I need to send an email and he will step out of the office and call me. That work email is no place to bicker back and forth since they monitor his email because he works with confidential company info.
I told him that if it is because of his actions that we really have no other way to talk during the day. Due to being a SA he has no personal phone, he has no texting, he can't access his email at work or on his phone anymore, and his work phone doesn't even have the voicemail set up yet. His actions have caused me to use his work email as the only place I can talk to him.
The day I found out about his problem I sent him a text that we need to talk ASAP. 4 hours later I sent another asking if he had gotten the last text. So sometimes when it is not convenient to him or he doesn't want to deal with it he won't just step out and call me.
We are still not talking. I can honestly say I hate him right now.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
F*ing pissed off.
Just want to document what a fucking idiot my husband is.
Here is our last email conversation.
From Me
To Him
Subject: today
To Me
Subject: RE: today
He is a fucking idiot. And maybe so am I for staying with him.
Here is our last email conversation.
From Me
To Him
Subject: today
had my appt with the doctor today. It went well. He suggested that you see one of his colleagues. There was a cancellation this week on Thursday at 1pm. The next one would be in January. I know you have the derm tomorrow but I would rather you postpone the derm than this doctor if you have to pick one.
Really liked the practice. it is only 5 miles away from your office...down 7th street going east.
let me know if you can't do thrusday and I will reschedule you.
From Him
To Me
Subject: RE: today
From Him sorry just now getting to this, been slammed all day and I think I have a cold now. I'd rather keep the Derm apt.....kind of need that more than anything right now.
thx
From Me
To Him
Subject: Re: today
could you do both?
To Me
Subject: RE: today
no, i don't think so.....this week is just really bad. what time is my derm apt set for?
From Me
To Him
Subject: Re: today
Your derm is tomorrow at noon with Dr. Derm at Derm Location. number 555-555-5555 with questions.
Just know I am very disappointed that you chose your derm over the other appointment. I feel very alone right now and that I am the only one working on this.
I found you the weekend group.
I am finding the new churches.
I found this new doctor
I scheduled my appointment
I schedule all your appointments
I reschedule all your appointments
This is not my job anymore. This is the last time I do this for you. I have you scheduled for January 10th at noon. That was the next earliest appointment. Remember it took me 6 weeks to get into my doctor.
I don't feel like you are taking this seriously and am very upset about this right now.
He is a fucking idiot. And maybe so am I for staying with him.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Day lost hacking into husband's emails
Went OCD on the computer again today. Hacked into my husbands Yahoo accounts (there may be a secret one I don't know about) and then was able to get more email communications for my "just in case" file and also have changed his login for his two aim.com emails that he used the most for his porn addiction.
Also to into one of his gmail accounts I had to change his password. I feel bad that I went into his main email but since trust has been shattered he should be doing everything in his power to stay on the straight and narrow. I feel I should be able to ask him to show me every email he has at any time I want. He did go to his old aim.com account and delete everything. Part of why I forwarded everything to my own email account that he doesn't have access to.
All this research is to protect me. My sister had a horrible divorce about 15 years ago-her husband "Michael" had an affair with the married neighbor and during counseling he finally admitted to it but swore that was the only one. The counselor said to get through this and be able to stay together Michael needed to tell his parents the truth about their problems. On the drive to his parents, Michael pulled over the car and told my sister he couldn't do it. They returned home and she filed papers the next day. Since my sister had no true proof of the affair, Michael was able to lie under oath and not pay for her legal bills or pay spousal support.
Even that first morning when I found out about this double life that David was living, I was forwarding all of these horrible emails to my account while trying to see through tears. I have done research and what he has done and what I have proof of does not count as infidelity or adultery in my state. But with the HUNDREDS of emails, HOURS of online chatting and DOZENS of naked photos I think I would have a good case for neglect or at least that my husband is an idiot.
Also to into one of his gmail accounts I had to change his password. I feel bad that I went into his main email but since trust has been shattered he should be doing everything in his power to stay on the straight and narrow. I feel I should be able to ask him to show me every email he has at any time I want. He did go to his old aim.com account and delete everything. Part of why I forwarded everything to my own email account that he doesn't have access to.
All this research is to protect me. My sister had a horrible divorce about 15 years ago-her husband "Michael" had an affair with the married neighbor and during counseling he finally admitted to it but swore that was the only one. The counselor said to get through this and be able to stay together Michael needed to tell his parents the truth about their problems. On the drive to his parents, Michael pulled over the car and told my sister he couldn't do it. They returned home and she filed papers the next day. Since my sister had no true proof of the affair, Michael was able to lie under oath and not pay for her legal bills or pay spousal support.
Even that first morning when I found out about this double life that David was living, I was forwarding all of these horrible emails to my account while trying to see through tears. I have done research and what he has done and what I have proof of does not count as infidelity or adultery in my state. But with the HUNDREDS of emails, HOURS of online chatting and DOZENS of naked photos I think I would have a good case for neglect or at least that my husband is an idiot.
Went OCD tonight.
I have read about being co dependent...blah blah blah. Tonight I went crazy nuts to find anything on David's computer from his porn addiction. Found more photos (none since he was discovered) and found archives of his yahoo chats.
I am a bit of a computer nerd and was able to get them all decoded and read all of them. I also emailed a copy of all of them to myself in case we don't make it through this. Between the text messages, the emails, the photos, the registrations on social sites and now true conversations with 18 year olds I think I have a good case for spousal support if I choose to leave or he does something worse.
Some of the chat room messages were worse than I thought. He had told me that usually the girls called him and he never initiated calling but in the more recent texts I can see how he had to start escalating the excitement to get off. He started asking for cams, more pics and if they could call so they could hear each other climax.
Not sure if seeing all of these has made me feel better (no new items on the computer) or worse. Either way I needed to do it at least once just to cleanse this computer. It is mine now and it finally feels like mine. All of the porn and dirt are in one folder and double saved on email but not hiding waiting to jump out at me one day.
The strangest thing is most of the chats where so silly. I will give you one example:
urfriend: so what are you doing teenspot
d: havent been on in a while
d: just logged in for a min to get tired
d: lol
d: what about u?
urfriend: trying to meet a local guy
d: cool cool
d: nothing wrong with that
urfriend: yeah, just looking for a nice guy to get to know, get me out of the house lol
urfriend: dating
d: yea
d: staying in sucks after a while
urfriend: yeah
urfriend: sooo
urfriend: ummm
urfriend: what do you want to talk about
d: hmmmm
d: whatever you want
d: cool with me
urfriend: lol
d: dating, sex, sports, school
d: lol
urfriend: um
urfriend: hm
d: hahaha
urfriend: idk
urfriend: dating
d: cool
Really...even the graphic stuff is repetitive. I guess I feel better because from the chats I saw it was obvious that he wasn't trying to physically meet any of the women or establish any real relationships. But was any of it worth possibly destroying your marriage? Time for bed. Some days I just feel like he is an idiot.
By the way if anyone wants to decode .dat files you find on your computer from Yahoo Messenger all you have to do is go to http://www.archive-decoder.com/ and upload your dat file. It is free and gives you date and time stamps. If anyone needs help on how to find these on a shared computer just let me know. Sometimes being a computer nerd helps.
I am a bit of a computer nerd and was able to get them all decoded and read all of them. I also emailed a copy of all of them to myself in case we don't make it through this. Between the text messages, the emails, the photos, the registrations on social sites and now true conversations with 18 year olds I think I have a good case for spousal support if I choose to leave or he does something worse.
Some of the chat room messages were worse than I thought. He had told me that usually the girls called him and he never initiated calling but in the more recent texts I can see how he had to start escalating the excitement to get off. He started asking for cams, more pics and if they could call so they could hear each other climax.
Not sure if seeing all of these has made me feel better (no new items on the computer) or worse. Either way I needed to do it at least once just to cleanse this computer. It is mine now and it finally feels like mine. All of the porn and dirt are in one folder and double saved on email but not hiding waiting to jump out at me one day.
The strangest thing is most of the chats where so silly. I will give you one example:
urfriend: so what are you doing teenspot
d: havent been on in a while
d: just logged in for a min to get tired
d: lol
d: what about u?
urfriend: trying to meet a local guy
d: cool cool
d: nothing wrong with that
urfriend: yeah, just looking for a nice guy to get to know, get me out of the house lol
urfriend: dating
d: yea
d: staying in sucks after a while
urfriend: yeah
urfriend: sooo
urfriend: ummm
urfriend: what do you want to talk about
d: hmmmm
d: whatever you want
d: cool with me
urfriend: lol
d: dating, sex, sports, school
d: lol
urfriend: um
urfriend: hm
d: hahaha
urfriend: idk
urfriend: dating
d: cool
Really...even the graphic stuff is repetitive. I guess I feel better because from the chats I saw it was obvious that he wasn't trying to physically meet any of the women or establish any real relationships. But was any of it worth possibly destroying your marriage? Time for bed. Some days I just feel like he is an idiot.
By the way if anyone wants to decode .dat files you find on your computer from Yahoo Messenger all you have to do is go to http://www.archive-decoder.com/ and upload your dat file. It is free and gives you date and time stamps. If anyone needs help on how to find these on a shared computer just let me know. Sometimes being a computer nerd helps.
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