I have said it before. It is less the act of the chat rooms and porn and more the lies and deceit. The lack of respect is part of it, too. A little over one year into this struggle I have found David deep in his addiction once again. He had been acting distant and extremely sensitive. There was nothing I could do that was right. He was doing little things (sometimes big things) to get "even" with me. Sunday was my 35th birthday and I was out of town Saturday and most of Sunday to see a football game. That morning when we texted - oh by the way he bought himself the new iPhone but that is another problem - I had to remind him it was my birthday because he didn't call and I was the one who initiated the chat. I asked to see a movie when I got home and he said, "Maybe."
When I got home a little before 9pm, I walked into a dirty house with no indication of it being my birthday. No card, no gift, no note, no nothing. He wasn't even awake. He was taking a nap upstairs. This was his way of getting back at me for not celebrating my birthday with him. Because my birthday should be all about David. Logical.
We got in a huge fight because this was the old David. The distant, selfish, spiteful David. All my instincts were telling me there was something wrong.
Noticing he had gone through about 3 tubes of my expensive lotion in 2 days was a big indicator, too.
Today I reviewed our phone bill. I did not want him to get the iPhone and had told him as much. He didn't listen. Within 3 minutes of looking at the bill I saw random phone numbers called and multimedia texts being sent and received to his number. A good portion of them on my birthday.
After calling one of the numbers and "Jade" answered I knew what was going on. These were not coworkers or classmates. These were sexts with random people.
It took 15 calls to his cell phone before he answered. He finally admitted that he had been struggling the last month and the iPhone was a very bad idea. He had been using a computer that was broken (not sure if he got it repaired just for his addiction or if it just started working again). As we talked I drove to his office. He recently started another job in finance.
I pulled in and asked for his cell phone. He gave it to me and asked if he could sit in the car and talk. Once the phone was in my hand I drove away. He had weeks to talk to me and say he needed help and was having weak moments. Talking opportunities were done.
So this is where we are at:
He has tonight between 7-10 to clean out whatever he wants of his stuff
He is to move out tonight
I have taken him and his cars off of my insurance
I have cancelled his phone number and returned the iPhone
I have changed our homeowners insurance to not cover his personal items
There is a locksmith coming tomorrow morning to change the locks
I have an appointment with the divorce lawyer on Monday
Stopped payment on a check that I had written to him for our taxes (they direct deposited to me and he was going to use the money to start paying down some of his debt). No small amount $7000 tax return.
Signed up for benefits just for me. No link to David.
Removed him as the beneficiary on my life insurance
BOUGHT MY OWN BIRTHDAY GIFT. I had asked for the new Nook and now I have it.
I feel numb and like I am on auto pilot. And empty.
Showing posts with label fight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fight. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
All work and no play...
Makes for a dull marriage. And a dull marriage is a good thing. We are puttering along and supporting each other but not micro managing each other.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Fight II
David controls the money right now because he makes most of it...if not all of it. I have asked for a credit card before or debit card so if I get stuck without money I could be ok. Yesterday was one of those days I needed emergency money. I got dinged with a fee from my bank I was not expecting and had a 2 dollar balance in my account. Just got done paying bills and usually leaves me really tight.
I went to go get a checkbook from his office and they were gone. Called David at work and LONG story short he had all the checkbooks and cc's so he could "keep account" of everything. Now part of addiction is control issues. He can't control the porn anymore so he is becoming obsessed with our money. Now keep in mind I made ALL the money for the last two years and never micromanaged money David needed.
I got hysterical. I had no way to get gas to get to work and he didn't trust ME enough to leave items in the house. We keep separate accounts so David doesn't even know that I don't spend money I don't have. Most items are food, gas, bills, and this time of year gifts for others.
He finally told me (after suggesting I use the lawnmower gas in a gas can in the garage) that there was a credit card in his drawer. It was so hidden within things that it took me 10 minutes to find it. Let's just say that drawer looked a little crazy when I left it.
This has been a slow build fight. I still feel like I am trying harder than him and need him to prove more to me. I have been "faking it till we make it" a little to much. I also feel he has been looking out just for himself recently and not thinking about us at all.
We both built up a lot of cc debt saving cash to buy our house. Cash is king right now. So when my husband got a little extra money he paid off HIS two credit cards without consulting me and without thought to my debt. Yes mine are lower rates but it was still a decision that should have been made by both of us. He also has been making thoughtless and mean comments like "You're only staying because you like having the money and the house." Dick.
So with all these little things building inside me...I got home and told David since he doesn't trust me with money he can have all access to my accounts and his job is to now pay all my bills and manage all my money. I will tell him when I need money and he will make it available.
Of course this extra work on his part did not sound good to David. He wanted control but not to have to do all the work. When I realized this I realized that I wanted out. Now. I am working on getting a full time job and told David the one that I am in the second interview stage is the last thing I will wait on. Once I have it or not I am moving out.
If I get the job I will stay in Charlotte and get an apartment or find a roommate. If not I will move home with my family. Either way he can work on fixing himself because it seems like the only reason he is doing anything is because I am forcing him to do it. If he doesn't want to get better on his own he won't and even though it has only been 6 weeks I can't think about a life like this any longer.
Once I decided to move out I felt so much better because for the first time I realized that I do have the strength to leave if and when I need to. It is no longer an empty threat. It is something I CAN do.
After this point I felt a lot better and told David no matter what we will get through the holidays and then deal with the separation. In our state you have to be separated for a year before you can get a divorce. I told him that I will only use all the info I have on him to have him pay for my moving fees, lawyer fees and to help me out until I get a full time job. At this point leaving with a lot of debt was better than staying and losing my sanity.
I was done talking and proceeded to clean the house. He joined me in silence and then I started to decorate the tree by myself just like I had for the last 5 years with David. He told me that he would work on becoming more involved in Christmas but this year was like every other year and he didn't do anything.
At one point in our fight I asked him to name one thing that he did for me that was nice that was done without me asking and without that thing benefiting him as well. A sweet gift? Flowers? Bring home a DVD as a surprise? A card? He couldn't name one thing in the last two years.
The money issue was just the straw that broke the back.
I could tell I was freaking David out. He told me that I was acting like a stranger and he didn't understand me at all. Well I know how that feels.
David has been so selfish for the last 2 years that for him to do these recent selfish things freaked me out.
What if he never changes? What if he is only trying until I let him off the hook and then he stays the same? I am not getting any younger and if I do want kids in the next year I have to decide to stay or leave.
I know you can drive yourself crazy with the what if's in life. It took 5 hours of talking but we came to a ceasefire. Yesterday was a very bad day. We are acting like two individuals living in one house not a couple and we never really have. David has made asking for money so hard for me that I am paying bills late because I wait until the last second to ask for money. He is making me feel guilty for not having a job but he is the one that has moved us twice in the last 2 years. This is a hard market. It takes time and effort. I have been in Real Estate since 2003 and there really is no market in our new city.
He agreed that he needs to do more and talk to me more about how HE wants to get better not just appease me.
Our relationship has been very hard for the last two+ years but I always thought once we were where we are now we would get better and could start a family. The reality of the situation has finally sunk in and I am out of the denial phase of mourning my previous life and I know I am in the ANGER phase. Rage even.
No medication could even out this anger that is in me now unless it put me in a coma.
One day at a time. But now I know I can leave David and know I am doing what is right. And for once I think David know that I will leave him if he doesn't make everything right.
I went to go get a checkbook from his office and they were gone. Called David at work and LONG story short he had all the checkbooks and cc's so he could "keep account" of everything. Now part of addiction is control issues. He can't control the porn anymore so he is becoming obsessed with our money. Now keep in mind I made ALL the money for the last two years and never micromanaged money David needed.
I got hysterical. I had no way to get gas to get to work and he didn't trust ME enough to leave items in the house. We keep separate accounts so David doesn't even know that I don't spend money I don't have. Most items are food, gas, bills, and this time of year gifts for others.
He finally told me (after suggesting I use the lawnmower gas in a gas can in the garage) that there was a credit card in his drawer. It was so hidden within things that it took me 10 minutes to find it. Let's just say that drawer looked a little crazy when I left it.
This has been a slow build fight. I still feel like I am trying harder than him and need him to prove more to me. I have been "faking it till we make it" a little to much. I also feel he has been looking out just for himself recently and not thinking about us at all.
We both built up a lot of cc debt saving cash to buy our house. Cash is king right now. So when my husband got a little extra money he paid off HIS two credit cards without consulting me and without thought to my debt. Yes mine are lower rates but it was still a decision that should have been made by both of us. He also has been making thoughtless and mean comments like "You're only staying because you like having the money and the house." Dick.
So with all these little things building inside me...I got home and told David since he doesn't trust me with money he can have all access to my accounts and his job is to now pay all my bills and manage all my money. I will tell him when I need money and he will make it available.
Of course this extra work on his part did not sound good to David. He wanted control but not to have to do all the work. When I realized this I realized that I wanted out. Now. I am working on getting a full time job and told David the one that I am in the second interview stage is the last thing I will wait on. Once I have it or not I am moving out.
If I get the job I will stay in Charlotte and get an apartment or find a roommate. If not I will move home with my family. Either way he can work on fixing himself because it seems like the only reason he is doing anything is because I am forcing him to do it. If he doesn't want to get better on his own he won't and even though it has only been 6 weeks I can't think about a life like this any longer.
Once I decided to move out I felt so much better because for the first time I realized that I do have the strength to leave if and when I need to. It is no longer an empty threat. It is something I CAN do.
After this point I felt a lot better and told David no matter what we will get through the holidays and then deal with the separation. In our state you have to be separated for a year before you can get a divorce. I told him that I will only use all the info I have on him to have him pay for my moving fees, lawyer fees and to help me out until I get a full time job. At this point leaving with a lot of debt was better than staying and losing my sanity.
I was done talking and proceeded to clean the house. He joined me in silence and then I started to decorate the tree by myself just like I had for the last 5 years with David. He told me that he would work on becoming more involved in Christmas but this year was like every other year and he didn't do anything.
At one point in our fight I asked him to name one thing that he did for me that was nice that was done without me asking and without that thing benefiting him as well. A sweet gift? Flowers? Bring home a DVD as a surprise? A card? He couldn't name one thing in the last two years.
The money issue was just the straw that broke the back.
I could tell I was freaking David out. He told me that I was acting like a stranger and he didn't understand me at all. Well I know how that feels.
David has been so selfish for the last 2 years that for him to do these recent selfish things freaked me out.
What if he never changes? What if he is only trying until I let him off the hook and then he stays the same? I am not getting any younger and if I do want kids in the next year I have to decide to stay or leave.
I know you can drive yourself crazy with the what if's in life. It took 5 hours of talking but we came to a ceasefire. Yesterday was a very bad day. We are acting like two individuals living in one house not a couple and we never really have. David has made asking for money so hard for me that I am paying bills late because I wait until the last second to ask for money. He is making me feel guilty for not having a job but he is the one that has moved us twice in the last 2 years. This is a hard market. It takes time and effort. I have been in Real Estate since 2003 and there really is no market in our new city.
He agreed that he needs to do more and talk to me more about how HE wants to get better not just appease me.
Our relationship has been very hard for the last two+ years but I always thought once we were where we are now we would get better and could start a family. The reality of the situation has finally sunk in and I am out of the denial phase of mourning my previous life and I know I am in the ANGER phase. Rage even.
No medication could even out this anger that is in me now unless it put me in a coma.
One day at a time. But now I know I can leave David and know I am doing what is right. And for once I think David know that I will leave him if he doesn't make everything right.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Baby Steps
David and I talked through our fight last night. He has a way where he doesn't apologize but acts really nice and almost childlike to get me to warm back up to him. Didn't quite work this time and I waited until I heard the full "I'm sorry."
Some things discussed-
*he needs to reaffirm to me that he is serious about recovery.
*If I ask him to not sleep in our bed he needs to respect it.
*He needs to give me 5 non sexual hugs a day (hugs not going anywhere).
*He needs to set up his voicemail on his work phone so if I am mad I can call and leave a message rather then it going through his companies email.
*I need to remember that we can't fix everything in a month and we are making progress
*I should help give David small goals that he feels are attainable (go to the SAA meeting and church) rather then expect him to manage everything. He has a problem and needs help and support too
*He needs to NEVER say "You need to calm down" or any variant ever again. EVER.
*I need to remember that due to his childhood he has very negative ideas of psychiatry. Agreeing to go is a big step.
I know he was at fault but I am seeing glimmers of the man he was when we met and first married. When he would share everything with me. This addiction caused secrets and guilt and resentment for years. I can look back now and see the signs and symptoms but without the truth that we are working on there was nothing I could do to help him.
Before all these horrible secrets came out I would not look forward to seeing him. He was always grouchy and sensitive about everything. Now I feel we are both happy to see each other.
Strange...even though I know he did horrible things...I see more of the good person that he is now. Strange.
Some things discussed-
*he needs to reaffirm to me that he is serious about recovery.
*If I ask him to not sleep in our bed he needs to respect it.
*He needs to give me 5 non sexual hugs a day (hugs not going anywhere).
*He needs to set up his voicemail on his work phone so if I am mad I can call and leave a message rather then it going through his companies email.
*I need to remember that we can't fix everything in a month and we are making progress
*I should help give David small goals that he feels are attainable (go to the SAA meeting and church) rather then expect him to manage everything. He has a problem and needs help and support too
*He needs to NEVER say "You need to calm down" or any variant ever again. EVER.
*I need to remember that due to his childhood he has very negative ideas of psychiatry. Agreeing to go is a big step.
I know he was at fault but I am seeing glimmers of the man he was when we met and first married. When he would share everything with me. This addiction caused secrets and guilt and resentment for years. I can look back now and see the signs and symptoms but without the truth that we are working on there was nothing I could do to help him.
Before all these horrible secrets came out I would not look forward to seeing him. He was always grouchy and sensitive about everything. Now I feel we are both happy to see each other.
Strange...even though I know he did horrible things...I see more of the good person that he is now. Strange.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Fight
We got in a big fight last night. After or nice heated email exchange he called and the first words out of his mouth were "You need to calm down."
David has lost the right to tell me to calm down.
He explained that he just didn't read the emails well enough and had he noticed that I wanted him to go to the phych appt over the derm appointment he would have.
Then he said if I am upset I need to send an email and he will step out of the office and call me. That work email is no place to bicker back and forth since they monitor his email because he works with confidential company info.
I told him that if it is because of his actions that we really have no other way to talk during the day. Due to being a SA he has no personal phone, he has no texting, he can't access his email at work or on his phone anymore, and his work phone doesn't even have the voicemail set up yet. His actions have caused me to use his work email as the only place I can talk to him.
The day I found out about his problem I sent him a text that we need to talk ASAP. 4 hours later I sent another asking if he had gotten the last text. So sometimes when it is not convenient to him or he doesn't want to deal with it he won't just step out and call me.
We are still not talking. I can honestly say I hate him right now.
David has lost the right to tell me to calm down.
He explained that he just didn't read the emails well enough and had he noticed that I wanted him to go to the phych appt over the derm appointment he would have.
Then he said if I am upset I need to send an email and he will step out of the office and call me. That work email is no place to bicker back and forth since they monitor his email because he works with confidential company info.
I told him that if it is because of his actions that we really have no other way to talk during the day. Due to being a SA he has no personal phone, he has no texting, he can't access his email at work or on his phone anymore, and his work phone doesn't even have the voicemail set up yet. His actions have caused me to use his work email as the only place I can talk to him.
The day I found out about his problem I sent him a text that we need to talk ASAP. 4 hours later I sent another asking if he had gotten the last text. So sometimes when it is not convenient to him or he doesn't want to deal with it he won't just step out and call me.
We are still not talking. I can honestly say I hate him right now.
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