3 Strikes...You're Out.

I have said it before.  It is less the act of the chat rooms and porn and more the lies and deceit.  The lack of respect is part of it, too.  A little over one year into this struggle I have found David deep in his addiction once again.  He had been acting distant and extremely sensitive.  There was nothing I could do that was right.  He was doing little things (sometimes big things) to get "even" with me.  Sunday was my 35th birthday and I was out of town Saturday and most of Sunday to see a football game.  That morning when we texted - oh by the way he bought himself the new iPhone but that is another problem - I had to remind him it was my birthday because he didn't call and I was the one who initiated the chat.  I asked to see a movie when I got home and he said, "Maybe."

When I got home a little before 9pm, I walked into a dirty house with no indication of it being my birthday.  No card, no gift, no note, no nothing.  He wasn't even awake.  He was taking a nap upstairs.  This was his way of getting back at me for not celebrating my birthday with him.  Because my birthday should be all about David.  Logical.

We got in a huge fight because this was the old David.  The distant, selfish, spiteful David.  All my instincts were telling me there was something wrong. 

Noticing he had gone through about 3 tubes of my expensive lotion in 2 days was a big indicator, too.

Today I reviewed our phone bill.  I did not want him to get the iPhone and had told him as much.  He didn't listen.  Within 3 minutes of looking at the bill I saw random phone numbers called and multimedia texts being sent and received to his number.  A good portion of them on my birthday. 

After calling one of the numbers and "Jade" answered I knew what was going on.  These were not coworkers or classmates.  These were sexts with random people.

It took 15 calls to his cell phone before he answered.  He finally admitted that he had been struggling the last month and the iPhone was a very bad idea.  He had been using a computer that was broken (not sure if he got it repaired just for his addiction or if it just started working again).  As we talked I drove to his office.  He recently started another job in finance. 

I pulled in and asked for his cell phone.  He gave it to me and asked if he could sit in the car and talk.  Once the phone was in my hand I drove away.  He had weeks to talk to me and say he needed help and was having weak moments.  Talking opportunities were done.

So this is where we are at:
He has tonight between 7-10 to clean out whatever he wants of his stuff
He is to move out tonight
I have taken him and his cars off of my insurance
I have cancelled his phone number and returned the iPhone
I have changed our homeowners insurance to not cover his personal items
There is a locksmith coming tomorrow morning to change the locks
I have an appointment with the divorce lawyer on Monday
Stopped payment on a check that I had written to him for our taxes (they direct deposited to me and he was going to use the money to start paying down some of his debt).  No small amount $7000 tax return.
Signed up for benefits just for me.  No link to David.
Removed him as the beneficiary on my life insurance
BOUGHT MY OWN BIRTHDAY GIFT.  I had asked for the new Nook and now I have it.

I feel numb and like I am on auto pilot.  And empty.

Things can't get any worse!

This phrase is something that a sex addicts spouse learns to NEVER mutter.  You do it once...you never do it again.

David has been laid off of his job.  Last day is next week.  Good.  Things seemed to have gotten almost non crap-tastic.  Pray that he finds a good job soon.  We have about 4 months of savings...then we have to start selling things. 

I would cry if it all wasn't so damn funny.

Time keeps ticking on....

The hardest thing about this personal addiction is deciding when to start trying to forgive.  And I stress trying.  The strange thing is I never thought about forgiving David until about a month ago.  Long story short is that I went crazy in front of his family and did everything but rehash the details of our problems.  His family is non confrontational which is a major part of our problems.  He escapes rather than deal.  I deal rather than escape.  Hey...opposites attract.

CODA has helped me so much with my problems.  SAA has helped David.  I am not sure what will help us as a couple unless the answer is just time.  I see the few people I have told look at me with pity in thier eyes.  They wonder why I stay with him.  I am still young, attractive and rather intelligent.  Why would I waste my time with this loser?  Why do I love him?  I don't know.

The other day I got picked up at a bar after work but a VERY good looking guy from New York.  Italian, in good shape and heavy with compliments.  I was wearing my ring and he freely told me he was engaged.  Our conversation was witty, sexy and fun.  But at the end of the night when he leaned in for a kiss I felt no spark.  No desire.  I appreciated the ego boost and would have loved to have met him in another time but didn't want more than a hug or a peck on the cheek.  He had no part of my heart.  Only one person does right now.  David.

Obviously my heart is masochistic. 

It is such hard work.  I see glimmers.  We went to couples therapy and our psychologist said he wished all wives were as educated and open as I was.  Ha.  It just took me a year.  And a lot of wine.  David and I do talk a lot.  We are honest.  Honesty sometimes hurts.  He has had a bad day that involved porn and chat rooms.  It was one day and he told me within our weeks understanding.  It hurt.  But not as bad as finding out on my own and him lying about it. 

I know David is trying.  But I feel I am trying harder.  I have got to focus on myself.  If I am not happy I can never be happy with other people.  I have to stop thinking of recovery as a competition.  It is not my job to be better at it than he is.  Avoiding codependency is hard.  Helps me realize what an addiction really is like.

"Maybe it is you"

My last post got a very interesting comment.  Essentially the person asked if maybe David's addiction was due to our lack of sex life.  It was almost as if I went back in time and asked myself the question.

There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm.  That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it.  Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away. 

Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction.  This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him?  After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.

Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him.  Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much."  Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more.  If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"

It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me.  He had signs of it before we even met.  I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex! 

Working on the co-dependency has been hard.  It is easier with him out of the house.  Not easy.  Just easier.

Wool over the eyes

Things seemed good.  Not great but good.  Still having money fights but I thought it was his OCD taking hold in a different place.  Anything is better than were it was taking hold.

Thought he was taking his medication and doing his best to make meetings.

Thought: WOW we over 6 months without a relapse.

Thouht we may have just beaten this thing.

David had pulled the wool over both of our eyes.  He relapsed.

First time away since the discovery...

This weekend I will be out of town for the first time since discovering David's secret life of chat rooms, video cams, sexting and porn addiction. 

I will be very distracted on this trip so I think I will do ok not worrying about what he is up to every hour of the day.  Also, all previous means that he used for his addictions are gone or password locked.  He would have to borrow a computer or actually pay for porn services outside the home.  Thank goodness he is cheap.  I read about men that have spent entire life savings on hookers or even just pay webcams.  The only thing David pays for is our DSL line.  And now he can't even use that except on his monitored work computer. 

I will be back on Tuesday and may have time to check in before I leave Wednesday night.  Please say a prayer that we are ready for this big step.  When David's addiction was in full swing, he would do the most activity when I was out of the home.  When the cat's away....

Let's just hope this mouse will just mow the lawn and watch football.

David is having urges

When I am away from David for longer than a couple hours I have started asking how he dealt with that idle time.  These where the times that he used porn the most in the past before I found out. 

My computer is still locked with a secret password every time I leave but I still ask if he had urges or acted on them.  Honestly I am not sure what I would do if he did act on them. 

The first 6 weeks after my discover of his sex addiction he said he never had any urges and just thinking about how hurt I was made him never want to do that again.

The last couple times I have asked him he said that he did have urges but didn't act on them.  He said it was the idle time that makes his mind go back to porn. 

Realizing that this is not something that will just go away is hard.  Knowing it is something we will probably have to work on and always work on is depressing.  It is something that has made me a little sad today.  Reality is hard.  I think I need to make the next COSA online meeting to vent. 

I used to be able to talk to the few friends who I told but I know they are tired hearing of my problems.  I don't blame them.  I am tired of having my problems. 

Life Balance

This weekend was good and bad.  Good...The birthday went well.  I made a cake and got a small gift for David.  He was very appreciative and I felt very good doing it.  Sometimes the normal things help get you though this unusual time.

He had to work very late on Friday (his actual birthday) so we celebrated more on Saturday night.  He was supposed to go to SA on Saturday morning at 9am but due to a very stressful work week and lack of sleep we agreed to wait until next week to start.

We did start going to Church on Sunday.  I mentioned before that we are both Catholic and we have been bad about being more than just Christmas Easter church goers.  We went to one of the two churches close to us and I was not happy with the vibe.  The homily was about (of all things) contraception.  Of all the things in the world to preach on during the Advent season this is what they chose.  This was also the first week of what is called "Catholics Come Home".  It is a program to get Catholics re-involved in the church.  SOOOO THIS is what you talk about to make them feel welcome.  Strange.  Also it really seemed like no one wanted to be there and the service ran 20 minutes over and it wasn't that crowded.  We will try the other church next week. 

One of the hardest parts of this is not snapping back at my husband when he nags or says anything negative.  Yesterday he was talking about how anyone can loose weight.  He is a rather vain person and I know even though I am a normal size he would love to have me be not just thin but skinny.  His mom literally had a six pack into her 40's.  I have photos.  His sister is amazingly beautiful (hot even).  I am cute.  Got that down pat.  Even when I try to be "hot" I just look like I am playing dress up.  Anyways....even though I am at a good weight he kept harping on him loosing weight and how easy it is.  I snapped and asked if he thought I was fat?  He said no...but it is always easy to loose 10 lbs.  I then hit him with "Well, if anyone is looking for a way to loose weight all they have to do is find out that their husband is a sex addict!" 

I felt a little bad after I said it.  But sometimes when he is giving me a hard time or nagging if you will I fell that he REALLY needs to cut me some slack since I am dealing with something new and awful and he is finally getting better after dealing with something for two years. 

Another problem is that David makes almost all of the money.  So while I am dealing with this stress I still have to "ask" for money to cover bills and Christmas gifts.  He is a saver and does have our interests at heart to save as much as possible but asking permission from a man that has done so much betrayal drives me crazy.  I know one doesn't link to the other but it has built resentment.  Especially when he doesn't TRUST ME with the credit card.  Yes, I am the untrustworthy one.  Since the discovery of everything he is a little gentler about it and I always stress that the things I buy are rarely FUN things. 

Now I am just venting but I think that is kind of the point of this blog.  I know the few friends that know about this must get tired of hearing me complain and vent.  They have stress and things going on in their own life. This blog always listens.

Birthday

Today is David's birthday.  Yesterday he had therapy and tomorrow he is going to his first SAA meeting.  He told me last night that he doesn't want to go but will do it for me.  He has always had a huge fear of the unknown and this is another huge unknown.  I am working on not hounding him about his recovery.  It is hard and last night he had to work some from home on his lap top and even though it is his work laptop and they monitor everything he does and I know he wouldn't risk anything to loose his job it still made me very nervous to see him on a computer.  I could tell he saw it in my eyes because he told me he just needed to send a work email and did everything in front of me. 

We are getting into a rhythm and it feels better.  I was really scared that he would postpone his therapy session yesterday.  He didn't tell me if he went and I know he has been very busy at work.  Trying not to be a co-addict I refrained from asking him until right before bed.  I just asked if he saw his therapist and he said yes.  I didn't ask any more and he didn't volunteer anything else. 

If he has been honest with me I feel I know everything about his sexual addiction that I need to know.  Asking for details just makes him feel more guilty and hurts me more.  I can't change the past and reliving it is like scraping off a scab. 

Saturday and his SAA meeting will be a big step.  I hope to God that he sees the benefit.  I know 12 step programs don't work for everyone but I want him to see that other people with this problem are "normal" like he is.  As someone else mentioned in his blog I think that problems with SA will explode in the next couple years.

First Day Clarification

On looking back at my synopsis of the last three weeks I failed to mention that the first day I was pissed.  When I called David to confront him at work he tried to deny it for about 2 seconds.  I proceeded to scream at him so loudly that I am surprised the neighbors did not come over.  On that day there was no desire to work through this problem.  Divorce lawyers were called.  Engagement photos were smashed.  This man had broken my heart.  He just sat in the corner and took my anger.  He looked about 2 feet tall.  I planned to move home and start separation proceedings. 

I just want people reading this to know that anger is a natural feeling and just like anyone else dealing with this it consumed me for days.

Since the shock

It has been three long weeks since the day of discovery for me.  Every day is different and every day is a struggle.  I have confided in a few very close friends but if we told our families they would never be able to forgive him.  My sister went through a very bad divorce with her first husband and even when they tried to work it out I vividly remember my mom telling me she hoped they didn't make it because she would never be able to forgive him.  I learned that some things can not be unsaid.  I may be able to forgive my husband (we will call him David) but our parents wouldn't be able to.

His therapy is going well.  He is seeing a general counselor but he initiated it and feels comfortable meeting with her.  She has suggested he attend SAA and he is doing anything to try to save what we have.  So many husbands are in denial...at least David has realized the gravity of the situation. 

I also met with his therapist and it was horrible.  An hour of crying and reliving those first days.  All day I felt horrible but the next day I did feel better like after a hard workout.  Talking with the few friends that know has help a lot and I am blessed to have people who will just listen and not judge or give advice.  A sounding board is so needed at a time like this.  I know I can just call them and vent and feel better.

Surprise...everything you thought was wrong

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