The hardest thing about this personal addiction is deciding when to start trying to forgive. And I stress trying. The strange thing is I never thought about forgiving David until about a month ago. Long story short is that I went crazy in front of his family and did everything but rehash the details of our problems. His family is non confrontational which is a major part of our problems. He escapes rather than deal. I deal rather than escape. Hey...opposites attract.
CODA has helped me so much with my problems. SAA has helped David. I am not sure what will help us as a couple unless the answer is just time. I see the few people I have told look at me with pity in thier eyes. They wonder why I stay with him. I am still young, attractive and rather intelligent. Why would I waste my time with this loser? Why do I love him? I don't know.
The other day I got picked up at a bar after work but a VERY good looking guy from New York. Italian, in good shape and heavy with compliments. I was wearing my ring and he freely told me he was engaged. Our conversation was witty, sexy and fun. But at the end of the night when he leaned in for a kiss I felt no spark. No desire. I appreciated the ego boost and would have loved to have met him in another time but didn't want more than a hug or a peck on the cheek. He had no part of my heart. Only one person does right now. David.
Obviously my heart is masochistic.
It is such hard work. I see glimmers. We went to couples therapy and our psychologist said he wished all wives were as educated and open as I was. Ha. It just took me a year. And a lot of wine. David and I do talk a lot. We are honest. Honesty sometimes hurts. He has had a bad day that involved porn and chat rooms. It was one day and he told me within our weeks understanding. It hurt. But not as bad as finding out on my own and him lying about it.
I know David is trying. But I feel I am trying harder. I have got to focus on myself. If I am not happy I can never be happy with other people. I have to stop thinking of recovery as a competition. It is not my job to be better at it than he is. Avoiding codependency is hard. Helps me realize what an addiction really is like.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Married to a sex addict
When this addiction touched our lives I realized that even though my therapist said it is the "alcoholism of our generation" there are very little resources on the subject.
One place that helped me was the wonderful blog and resource http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/
Joann is the author and I had submitted my story back in November. If you have followed this blog you know all the changes since November.
I do hope that my story will help some and at the very least help people know they are not alone.
Keep up the great work, Joann! You are an angel.
Aileen.
One place that helped me was the wonderful blog and resource http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/
Joann is the author and I had submitted my story back in November. If you have followed this blog you know all the changes since November.
I do hope that my story will help some and at the very least help people know they are not alone.
Keep up the great work, Joann! You are an angel.
Aileen.
All work and no play...
Makes for a dull marriage. And a dull marriage is a good thing. We are puttering along and supporting each other but not micro managing each other.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Co Dependant
When I joined Cosa the first time I didn't believe I was co-dependant. Trying to take a good look at my place in this relationship.
Yep...I may be a bit co dependant. May be textbook.
More info see this article.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Yep...I may be a bit co dependant. May be textbook.
More info see this article.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Friday, June 3, 2011
Why...
There are 3 reasons I do this blog...
1) An anonymous way to vent without having to burden friends or family. None of the names on this blog are our real names and nothing is specific enough to divulge where we live.
2) As a record of how this journey will play out.
3) So that other partners of SA's won't feel as alone as I did.
When this problem first happened to us I thought I was a big part of the problem. The "what if I had" question popped into my brain constantly.
Then I felt I could control the situation and control David's recover. Yes, I am a controlling person and that is something I am working hard to overcome.
Now I realize that with the amount of SAA meetings in the area and state I understand that this is not a small problem only happening to us. This is the alcoholism of our day. It is shameful, it is hidden and it is not understood. I doubt I will ever understand.
That is why I am here. And that is why I don't delete comments or questions. Everyone has their own journey.
1) An anonymous way to vent without having to burden friends or family. None of the names on this blog are our real names and nothing is specific enough to divulge where we live.
2) As a record of how this journey will play out.
3) So that other partners of SA's won't feel as alone as I did.
When this problem first happened to us I thought I was a big part of the problem. The "what if I had" question popped into my brain constantly.
Then I felt I could control the situation and control David's recover. Yes, I am a controlling person and that is something I am working hard to overcome.
Now I realize that with the amount of SAA meetings in the area and state I understand that this is not a small problem only happening to us. This is the alcoholism of our day. It is shameful, it is hidden and it is not understood. I doubt I will ever understand.
That is why I am here. And that is why I don't delete comments or questions. Everyone has their own journey.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Visit to the Divorce Lawyer
Yesterday was a hard day. I did something I always hoped would never happen. Even when I first found out about David's addiction I hoped that a lawyer visit would not be part of our recovery.
Visited a divorce lawyer to work on the separation agreement. In our state you have to be separated for 12 months before you can file for dissolution.
What a lot of people do is get a separation agreement that goes over what is done with what during the separation and then what happens after the divorce. If you don't agree before the divorce is filed you then let the courts decide.
Since this is not a clear case of adultery it is a bit stickier but due to the long history of email and chat and phone records I have and the fact that this was him messing up his second chance I have a good case to get what I want in the divorce and separation.
I am suffering from "indignities" and that is grounds for divorce.
I want to get all of our terms on paper not only to protect me and my sanity...also to get it done before David's guilt goes away or he gets caught up in the whole "this isn't my fault, I have a disease!" bullshit.
Oh by the way...our 5th anniversary was last week. Great.
Visited a divorce lawyer to work on the separation agreement. In our state you have to be separated for 12 months before you can file for dissolution.
What a lot of people do is get a separation agreement that goes over what is done with what during the separation and then what happens after the divorce. If you don't agree before the divorce is filed you then let the courts decide.
Since this is not a clear case of adultery it is a bit stickier but due to the long history of email and chat and phone records I have and the fact that this was him messing up his second chance I have a good case to get what I want in the divorce and separation.
I am suffering from "indignities" and that is grounds for divorce.
I want to get all of our terms on paper not only to protect me and my sanity...also to get it done before David's guilt goes away or he gets caught up in the whole "this isn't my fault, I have a disease!" bullshit.
Oh by the way...our 5th anniversary was last week. Great.
"Maybe it is you"
My last post got a very interesting comment. Essentially the person asked if maybe David's addiction was due to our lack of sex life. It was almost as if I went back in time and asked myself the question.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
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