We may have found a cure to sex and porn addiction. Work about 130 hours a week. David's job has been so crazy that sleep has to be scheduled and eating tends to get overlooked. I think we found a cure!
The big negatives are that he has missed doctor appointments and SAA meetings due to travel and work. We are doing ok. Thought I would get some time to spend with him this weekend but that didn't happen. No new developments. No new secrets. No relapses that I know about.
No news...good news? Well at least not bad news. Happy March.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Leveling out?
Not sure why but it seems we have both leveled out in the last couple weeks. Two things that I think have helped is that David got a raise so his stress levels about money have dropped and I have been strick with my boundaries (aka rules).
David has also finally seen the Phychiatrist. The doctor diagnosed him as OCD and with Anxiety disorder. They recommended Paxil for him and he has started his dosage a couple days ago and will be full dosage in a couple days.
He told me he feels a little numb but I told him his mind and anxiety has probably been so loud and complicated in his head to not have as much would seem strange. He needs to realize most people can do simple tasks without list making and going through ever scenario.
I have said it before...I wonder what it sounds like in his head. Recap of a strory I think I posted before...but when David was taking a test for grad school he kept scoring lower than all of his practice tests. He finally scored high enough to get accepted at one of his choices but he had already paid for one more test (you could retake it like the SAT). With no pressure or anxiety about this test since he was already accepted he scored 30% higher than any other test he had taken and then got into his first choice school. His anxiety had frozen his potential.
Hopefully all of these items will help.
I have started to get my appetite back. Yesterday for the first time in months I was HUNGRY. I even craved a specific food and it tasted good. I take these all as good signs.
David has also finally seen the Phychiatrist. The doctor diagnosed him as OCD and with Anxiety disorder. They recommended Paxil for him and he has started his dosage a couple days ago and will be full dosage in a couple days.
He told me he feels a little numb but I told him his mind and anxiety has probably been so loud and complicated in his head to not have as much would seem strange. He needs to realize most people can do simple tasks without list making and going through ever scenario.
I have said it before...I wonder what it sounds like in his head. Recap of a strory I think I posted before...but when David was taking a test for grad school he kept scoring lower than all of his practice tests. He finally scored high enough to get accepted at one of his choices but he had already paid for one more test (you could retake it like the SAT). With no pressure or anxiety about this test since he was already accepted he scored 30% higher than any other test he had taken and then got into his first choice school. His anxiety had frozen his potential.
Hopefully all of these items will help.
I have started to get my appetite back. Yesterday for the first time in months I was HUNGRY. I even craved a specific food and it tasted good. I take these all as good signs.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Do I,,,,
deserve this?
want this?
want to deal with this situation anymore?
feel he is worth it?
want to put our relationship before my well being?
worry more about our debts than the real problem?
think he is worth it?
understand his problem?
feel he is trying enough?
love him enough?
We will find out soon enough.
want this?
want to deal with this situation anymore?
feel he is worth it?
want to put our relationship before my well being?
worry more about our debts than the real problem?
think he is worth it?
understand his problem?
feel he is trying enough?
love him enough?
We will find out soon enough.
The first Psych visit for David
It finally happened. Just a mere 3 months since the discovery David finally made it to a phychiatrist appointment to discuss drug options for someone in his position. The place we are going assign you to a drug person (psychiatrist) and a therapist (psychologist) and neither of us go to the same person. David was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD. Both items have a problem with escapism and some of the people turn to addictions like drugs, drinking or other addictions like porn or sex. He has started Paxil yesterday and I hope it helps. I do feel he needs an antidepressant too but I am not his doctor.
I let him miss SAA this week due to a wicked cold that he had been battling all week. It seemed to help but his logic was that if he has therapy he shouldn't have to go to SAA. TO me that is as logical as a fish on a bicycle. Being sick is a good reason. He has been running a fever and been very congested. When he is well...SAA is not an option.
I have been in limbo land as well. I plan on going on a cruise with a friend to Mexico in April and am not sharing this info with David. He doesn't understand that I need these things to help keep me focused on fun things and not focus on the negative. We are still taking it day by day.
Today I found out a friend of mine that was dealing with a separation with her husband found out that her husband was sleeping with one of his teachers from his part time college. I do believe if you think something is going something probably is going on. Same thing is happening with my neighbor. She is going through with the separation from her husband after 17 years of marriage and I told her that there is a way to check texts and even email texts but she doesn't want to know. Were were live is a kind of a no fault state.
If anything ever happens with David and I, it would be interesting to see if my info on him will keep it a "no fault" state.
I have a temp job next week and I have decided not to tell David about it. I will make about 500 bucks and I want them to be mine. Not going to pay off his car or our car insurance or cc bill. Remember his are all paid off. Good for him.
Deep down I am noticing that he is working as hard as he knows how to make this relationship work. Ironically my thin body makes him more attractive to me than ever. But knowing where my body came from doesn't make me like my body. I am about 105 now and do have to force feed myself. I do better if I can eat with friends or family. Left alone I never eat.
Another thing that I have started to do is take an extra $20 out of every time I buy groceries and put it in my own checking account. I figure if I do this every week I am adding almost 2000 a year to my checking that David has not idea about. I need to start looking out for me first. I deep down know I need to TRUST David but even deeper deeper down I know I need to PROTECT me. I used to always keep a thousand in cash as an escape route. I do thing all people (girls or guys) should have this as a way to leave if you want to at anytime. I don't have this now but I am starting to rebuild it. Even if this takes 20 bucks at a time.
No luck on the job front. 13 years of sales experience and I am like a leper. Hopefully someone soon will realize my ability. Till them I will try to make a stash for myself on my own. Some Days I Hate David. This evening is one of them.
I found the perfect valentines day card for him. It says:
"Even though you are the biggest pain in the Ass I still love you".
Perfect. It is supposed to be funny and ironic. In my case it is serious and not ironic.
How Ironic.
I let him miss SAA this week due to a wicked cold that he had been battling all week. It seemed to help but his logic was that if he has therapy he shouldn't have to go to SAA. TO me that is as logical as a fish on a bicycle. Being sick is a good reason. He has been running a fever and been very congested. When he is well...SAA is not an option.
I have been in limbo land as well. I plan on going on a cruise with a friend to Mexico in April and am not sharing this info with David. He doesn't understand that I need these things to help keep me focused on fun things and not focus on the negative. We are still taking it day by day.
Today I found out a friend of mine that was dealing with a separation with her husband found out that her husband was sleeping with one of his teachers from his part time college. I do believe if you think something is going something probably is going on. Same thing is happening with my neighbor. She is going through with the separation from her husband after 17 years of marriage and I told her that there is a way to check texts and even email texts but she doesn't want to know. Were were live is a kind of a no fault state.
If anything ever happens with David and I, it would be interesting to see if my info on him will keep it a "no fault" state.
I have a temp job next week and I have decided not to tell David about it. I will make about 500 bucks and I want them to be mine. Not going to pay off his car or our car insurance or cc bill. Remember his are all paid off. Good for him.
Deep down I am noticing that he is working as hard as he knows how to make this relationship work. Ironically my thin body makes him more attractive to me than ever. But knowing where my body came from doesn't make me like my body. I am about 105 now and do have to force feed myself. I do better if I can eat with friends or family. Left alone I never eat.
Another thing that I have started to do is take an extra $20 out of every time I buy groceries and put it in my own checking account. I figure if I do this every week I am adding almost 2000 a year to my checking that David has not idea about. I need to start looking out for me first. I deep down know I need to TRUST David but even deeper deeper down I know I need to PROTECT me. I used to always keep a thousand in cash as an escape route. I do thing all people (girls or guys) should have this as a way to leave if you want to at anytime. I don't have this now but I am starting to rebuild it. Even if this takes 20 bucks at a time.
No luck on the job front. 13 years of sales experience and I am like a leper. Hopefully someone soon will realize my ability. Till them I will try to make a stash for myself on my own. Some Days I Hate David. This evening is one of them.
I found the perfect valentines day card for him. It says:
"Even though you are the biggest pain in the Ass I still love you".
Perfect. It is supposed to be funny and ironic. In my case it is serious and not ironic.
How Ironic.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Limbo Land
We are stuck in a place I am calling Limbo Land. Nothing is getting better but nothing is getting worse. We are dealing with trust issues and the funny thing is that it is more David not trusting me than me not trusting David. He is paraniod about the money I spend. He is saying this to a woman who dyed her hair back to her natural (or as close to my natural) color so that she didn't have to pay 200 bucks every 3 months for highlights and cuts. I clip coupons. I use restaurant.com and groupon for things that we do outside the home. I am a big fan of Redbox. My car is almost paid off (my second paid off car and I am only in my early 30's). Yes, I am the one that you should worry about.
My psychologist said he may be projecting. I want to insert that I am so tired of phsych words that I could spit. He had two years where he was lying to me on a daily basis and during that time he thought there were things I was lying about. Now that we are being more open and truthful he either thinks I am still lying-which I have NEVER done, or he things that I am going to get even with him by maxing out his credit card that he gave me because I haven't found a job yet.
He also doesn't believe that I am hunting for a job. Oh yes, I am sitting at home eating bon-bons. I am not sure what a bon-bon is but that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun than the hours I have spent in staffing offices, online submitting resumes, and phone interviews.
David's first doctor's visit is next week. I really hope that some medication can help.
Trying to save some money I did suggest that if we do go out to eat for Valentine's Day we do it this weekend before places start making their fixed price menus for the holiday.
David: But if we do something this week when Valentine's comes around you will still want to do something else.
Me: Oh yeah. Like last year when all I asked for was a card since we were saving money for a house and you didn't even get me a card. Then you didn't even open my card to for a week.
David: (silence)
David: Well we could go this week if you want to.
Wow. Don't make me force you to try to work on this marriage.
I took my ring off a couple weeks ago. Still only eating about 500-800 calories a day. I tried eating breakfast to hope that would make my appetite return. The only time it comes back is when I am in a completely different environment.
Gonna start running on Saturday to try to see if that boosts my mood.
Tried to think of something positive to end on and I can't think of one.
My psychologist said he may be projecting. I want to insert that I am so tired of phsych words that I could spit. He had two years where he was lying to me on a daily basis and during that time he thought there were things I was lying about. Now that we are being more open and truthful he either thinks I am still lying-which I have NEVER done, or he things that I am going to get even with him by maxing out his credit card that he gave me because I haven't found a job yet.
He also doesn't believe that I am hunting for a job. Oh yes, I am sitting at home eating bon-bons. I am not sure what a bon-bon is but that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun than the hours I have spent in staffing offices, online submitting resumes, and phone interviews.
David's first doctor's visit is next week. I really hope that some medication can help.
Trying to save some money I did suggest that if we do go out to eat for Valentine's Day we do it this weekend before places start making their fixed price menus for the holiday.
David: But if we do something this week when Valentine's comes around you will still want to do something else.
Me: Oh yeah. Like last year when all I asked for was a card since we were saving money for a house and you didn't even get me a card. Then you didn't even open my card to for a week.
David: (silence)
David: Well we could go this week if you want to.
Wow. Don't make me force you to try to work on this marriage.
I took my ring off a couple weeks ago. Still only eating about 500-800 calories a day. I tried eating breakfast to hope that would make my appetite return. The only time it comes back is when I am in a completely different environment.
Gonna start running on Saturday to try to see if that boosts my mood.
Tried to think of something positive to end on and I can't think of one.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Not sure if this marriage will work. David "jokingly" has started calling me slut and whore. The irony is not lost on me. He is sleeping in the other room as I type. It was my choice. He said I can't take a joke. Yeah. Haha. These last three months have been fucking hilarious. Right now I can say I hate him and am so angry at him. He will use this as an exuse to not attend his SAA group tomorrow.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Not sure if God has created a more selfish man.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Boundaries
It took me a long time to realize that when people on chat rooms and other blogs said they had to set "boundaries" with thier sex addicted spouse I didn't realize it was a friendly way to say RULES. I have set two with David.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
1. He has to attend his weekly SAA meeting unless his doctors say he doesn't have to.
2. Anytime he is on his work computer I have the right to see what he is doing.
He can't visit porn sights on his work laptop but he can chat on Yahoo and Gmail.
Oh and the nice way to say "he relapsed into his sex addiction again" is "acted out". That one I will never understand. Sounds like a little kid getting mad in public. All these 12 step phrases confuse and annoy me.
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