I will post more details later but long story short is that I found out David had started online chatting with misc. women again.
Not only has he started again he:
1. Didn't come to me or do anything to get help.
2. Contacted some of the same people and used the same verbiage (22/m/FL) On here chatting because I can't sleep :)
3. Has been doing it since mid March.
I got 104 days of him not relapsing.
So not only did I find out I:
1. Tossed all of his clothing, toiletries, shoes out on the driveway.
2. Called an attny to start the separation process.
3. Used money that I was saving for a nice piece of furniture for our house (OUR HOUSE) to go get Botox.
Time to work on me and get back into COSA. Hindsight is showing me how much I let him get away with and how little I protected myself. He is not my problem right now.
I thought I was in shock...Wasn't that weepy...but now after an amazing weekend with dear friends, I think I am finally establishing so peace in my life. I am putting my mental health first and I already feel better.
Also...not much appetite loss. On that note...gonna go eat some mac n cheese and call it a night!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Wool over the eyes
Things seemed good. Not great but good. Still having money fights but I thought it was his OCD taking hold in a different place. Anything is better than were it was taking hold.
Thought he was taking his medication and doing his best to make meetings.
Thought: WOW we over 6 months without a relapse.
Thouht we may have just beaten this thing.
David had pulled the wool over both of our eyes. He relapsed.
Thought he was taking his medication and doing his best to make meetings.
Thought: WOW we over 6 months without a relapse.
Thouht we may have just beaten this thing.
David had pulled the wool over both of our eyes. He relapsed.
Monday, March 21, 2011
March update
The good news: from what I know and what I have seen David has not had a relapse with his porn or sex addiction. I got a full time job offer that I accepted.
The bad: David has become obsessed with money and "one upping" me.
The ugly: The constant bickering over money and David's need to be the center of attention has cased me to bring back the reality that we are still not at the point to deal with fights over little things.
I am working on not stewing in my own anger. When he finally pushed me over the edge with the one upping ("You think YOU had a bad day!!!") and money nit picking ("why did you deposit this check instead of giving it to me? That was MY $100.") I simply told him that this needs to change. And I KNOW that we are still working on him realizing when he hurts me and me trusting him again. My boundary (RULE) that I set with him is that every time he does those actions I get to write a $50 check from his account to my account. I do know money affects him and I am not sure if that worked or the fact that I made it purely BLACK and WHITE what I was mad about and what he needed to stop and what would happen if he didn't. Like a child.
All I know is that I am really gun shy right now and it seems every time I get a little comfortable with us I have a new behavior to stop.
I visited friends this weekend and discussed our problems minus the sex and porn addiction. Saying it all out loud was really sad. We haven't even gotten to the point in therapy when they feel we can handle being together during the sessions.
Silver lining: I will have money of my own again and my car just got paid off. I will finally feel a little less trapped by the situation and hopefully David will feel the possibility of loosing me. This is hard to say but I just feel I need a break from him for a while. Glad I have a trip out of town in a couple weeks. For the first time I NEED a vacation. I need to forget my everyday life. It is exhausting.
Second Silver Lining: Appetite is better. Sweets-especially chocolate-still doesn't taste right. Honestly most things don't but sweets are way off in flavor.
The bad: David has become obsessed with money and "one upping" me.
The ugly: The constant bickering over money and David's need to be the center of attention has cased me to bring back the reality that we are still not at the point to deal with fights over little things.
I am working on not stewing in my own anger. When he finally pushed me over the edge with the one upping ("You think YOU had a bad day!!!") and money nit picking ("why did you deposit this check instead of giving it to me? That was MY $100.") I simply told him that this needs to change. And I KNOW that we are still working on him realizing when he hurts me and me trusting him again. My boundary (RULE) that I set with him is that every time he does those actions I get to write a $50 check from his account to my account. I do know money affects him and I am not sure if that worked or the fact that I made it purely BLACK and WHITE what I was mad about and what he needed to stop and what would happen if he didn't. Like a child.
All I know is that I am really gun shy right now and it seems every time I get a little comfortable with us I have a new behavior to stop.
I visited friends this weekend and discussed our problems minus the sex and porn addiction. Saying it all out loud was really sad. We haven't even gotten to the point in therapy when they feel we can handle being together during the sessions.
Silver lining: I will have money of my own again and my car just got paid off. I will finally feel a little less trapped by the situation and hopefully David will feel the possibility of loosing me. This is hard to say but I just feel I need a break from him for a while. Glad I have a trip out of town in a couple weeks. For the first time I NEED a vacation. I need to forget my everyday life. It is exhausting.
Second Silver Lining: Appetite is better. Sweets-especially chocolate-still doesn't taste right. Honestly most things don't but sweets are way off in flavor.
Monday, February 28, 2011
too busy to be a sex addict
We may have found a cure to sex and porn addiction. Work about 130 hours a week. David's job has been so crazy that sleep has to be scheduled and eating tends to get overlooked. I think we found a cure!
The big negatives are that he has missed doctor appointments and SAA meetings due to travel and work. We are doing ok. Thought I would get some time to spend with him this weekend but that didn't happen. No new developments. No new secrets. No relapses that I know about.
No news...good news? Well at least not bad news. Happy March.
The big negatives are that he has missed doctor appointments and SAA meetings due to travel and work. We are doing ok. Thought I would get some time to spend with him this weekend but that didn't happen. No new developments. No new secrets. No relapses that I know about.
No news...good news? Well at least not bad news. Happy March.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Leveling out?
Not sure why but it seems we have both leveled out in the last couple weeks. Two things that I think have helped is that David got a raise so his stress levels about money have dropped and I have been strick with my boundaries (aka rules).
David has also finally seen the Phychiatrist. The doctor diagnosed him as OCD and with Anxiety disorder. They recommended Paxil for him and he has started his dosage a couple days ago and will be full dosage in a couple days.
He told me he feels a little numb but I told him his mind and anxiety has probably been so loud and complicated in his head to not have as much would seem strange. He needs to realize most people can do simple tasks without list making and going through ever scenario.
I have said it before...I wonder what it sounds like in his head. Recap of a strory I think I posted before...but when David was taking a test for grad school he kept scoring lower than all of his practice tests. He finally scored high enough to get accepted at one of his choices but he had already paid for one more test (you could retake it like the SAT). With no pressure or anxiety about this test since he was already accepted he scored 30% higher than any other test he had taken and then got into his first choice school. His anxiety had frozen his potential.
Hopefully all of these items will help.
I have started to get my appetite back. Yesterday for the first time in months I was HUNGRY. I even craved a specific food and it tasted good. I take these all as good signs.
David has also finally seen the Phychiatrist. The doctor diagnosed him as OCD and with Anxiety disorder. They recommended Paxil for him and he has started his dosage a couple days ago and will be full dosage in a couple days.
He told me he feels a little numb but I told him his mind and anxiety has probably been so loud and complicated in his head to not have as much would seem strange. He needs to realize most people can do simple tasks without list making and going through ever scenario.
I have said it before...I wonder what it sounds like in his head. Recap of a strory I think I posted before...but when David was taking a test for grad school he kept scoring lower than all of his practice tests. He finally scored high enough to get accepted at one of his choices but he had already paid for one more test (you could retake it like the SAT). With no pressure or anxiety about this test since he was already accepted he scored 30% higher than any other test he had taken and then got into his first choice school. His anxiety had frozen his potential.
Hopefully all of these items will help.
I have started to get my appetite back. Yesterday for the first time in months I was HUNGRY. I even craved a specific food and it tasted good. I take these all as good signs.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Do I,,,,
deserve this?
want this?
want to deal with this situation anymore?
feel he is worth it?
want to put our relationship before my well being?
worry more about our debts than the real problem?
think he is worth it?
understand his problem?
feel he is trying enough?
love him enough?
We will find out soon enough.
want this?
want to deal with this situation anymore?
feel he is worth it?
want to put our relationship before my well being?
worry more about our debts than the real problem?
think he is worth it?
understand his problem?
feel he is trying enough?
love him enough?
We will find out soon enough.
The first Psych visit for David
It finally happened. Just a mere 3 months since the discovery David finally made it to a phychiatrist appointment to discuss drug options for someone in his position. The place we are going assign you to a drug person (psychiatrist) and a therapist (psychologist) and neither of us go to the same person. David was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD. Both items have a problem with escapism and some of the people turn to addictions like drugs, drinking or other addictions like porn or sex. He has started Paxil yesterday and I hope it helps. I do feel he needs an antidepressant too but I am not his doctor.
I let him miss SAA this week due to a wicked cold that he had been battling all week. It seemed to help but his logic was that if he has therapy he shouldn't have to go to SAA. TO me that is as logical as a fish on a bicycle. Being sick is a good reason. He has been running a fever and been very congested. When he is well...SAA is not an option.
I have been in limbo land as well. I plan on going on a cruise with a friend to Mexico in April and am not sharing this info with David. He doesn't understand that I need these things to help keep me focused on fun things and not focus on the negative. We are still taking it day by day.
Today I found out a friend of mine that was dealing with a separation with her husband found out that her husband was sleeping with one of his teachers from his part time college. I do believe if you think something is going something probably is going on. Same thing is happening with my neighbor. She is going through with the separation from her husband after 17 years of marriage and I told her that there is a way to check texts and even email texts but she doesn't want to know. Were were live is a kind of a no fault state.
If anything ever happens with David and I, it would be interesting to see if my info on him will keep it a "no fault" state.
I have a temp job next week and I have decided not to tell David about it. I will make about 500 bucks and I want them to be mine. Not going to pay off his car or our car insurance or cc bill. Remember his are all paid off. Good for him.
Deep down I am noticing that he is working as hard as he knows how to make this relationship work. Ironically my thin body makes him more attractive to me than ever. But knowing where my body came from doesn't make me like my body. I am about 105 now and do have to force feed myself. I do better if I can eat with friends or family. Left alone I never eat.
Another thing that I have started to do is take an extra $20 out of every time I buy groceries and put it in my own checking account. I figure if I do this every week I am adding almost 2000 a year to my checking that David has not idea about. I need to start looking out for me first. I deep down know I need to TRUST David but even deeper deeper down I know I need to PROTECT me. I used to always keep a thousand in cash as an escape route. I do thing all people (girls or guys) should have this as a way to leave if you want to at anytime. I don't have this now but I am starting to rebuild it. Even if this takes 20 bucks at a time.
No luck on the job front. 13 years of sales experience and I am like a leper. Hopefully someone soon will realize my ability. Till them I will try to make a stash for myself on my own. Some Days I Hate David. This evening is one of them.
I found the perfect valentines day card for him. It says:
"Even though you are the biggest pain in the Ass I still love you".
Perfect. It is supposed to be funny and ironic. In my case it is serious and not ironic.
How Ironic.
I let him miss SAA this week due to a wicked cold that he had been battling all week. It seemed to help but his logic was that if he has therapy he shouldn't have to go to SAA. TO me that is as logical as a fish on a bicycle. Being sick is a good reason. He has been running a fever and been very congested. When he is well...SAA is not an option.
I have been in limbo land as well. I plan on going on a cruise with a friend to Mexico in April and am not sharing this info with David. He doesn't understand that I need these things to help keep me focused on fun things and not focus on the negative. We are still taking it day by day.
Today I found out a friend of mine that was dealing with a separation with her husband found out that her husband was sleeping with one of his teachers from his part time college. I do believe if you think something is going something probably is going on. Same thing is happening with my neighbor. She is going through with the separation from her husband after 17 years of marriage and I told her that there is a way to check texts and even email texts but she doesn't want to know. Were were live is a kind of a no fault state.
If anything ever happens with David and I, it would be interesting to see if my info on him will keep it a "no fault" state.
I have a temp job next week and I have decided not to tell David about it. I will make about 500 bucks and I want them to be mine. Not going to pay off his car or our car insurance or cc bill. Remember his are all paid off. Good for him.
Deep down I am noticing that he is working as hard as he knows how to make this relationship work. Ironically my thin body makes him more attractive to me than ever. But knowing where my body came from doesn't make me like my body. I am about 105 now and do have to force feed myself. I do better if I can eat with friends or family. Left alone I never eat.
Another thing that I have started to do is take an extra $20 out of every time I buy groceries and put it in my own checking account. I figure if I do this every week I am adding almost 2000 a year to my checking that David has not idea about. I need to start looking out for me first. I deep down know I need to TRUST David but even deeper deeper down I know I need to PROTECT me. I used to always keep a thousand in cash as an escape route. I do thing all people (girls or guys) should have this as a way to leave if you want to at anytime. I don't have this now but I am starting to rebuild it. Even if this takes 20 bucks at a time.
No luck on the job front. 13 years of sales experience and I am like a leper. Hopefully someone soon will realize my ability. Till them I will try to make a stash for myself on my own. Some Days I Hate David. This evening is one of them.
I found the perfect valentines day card for him. It says:
"Even though you are the biggest pain in the Ass I still love you".
Perfect. It is supposed to be funny and ironic. In my case it is serious and not ironic.
How Ironic.
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