When I joined Cosa the first time I didn't believe I was co-dependant. Trying to take a good look at my place in this relationship.
Yep...I may be a bit co dependant. May be textbook.
More info see this article.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Monday, June 6, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Why...
There are 3 reasons I do this blog...
1) An anonymous way to vent without having to burden friends or family. None of the names on this blog are our real names and nothing is specific enough to divulge where we live.
2) As a record of how this journey will play out.
3) So that other partners of SA's won't feel as alone as I did.
When this problem first happened to us I thought I was a big part of the problem. The "what if I had" question popped into my brain constantly.
Then I felt I could control the situation and control David's recover. Yes, I am a controlling person and that is something I am working hard to overcome.
Now I realize that with the amount of SAA meetings in the area and state I understand that this is not a small problem only happening to us. This is the alcoholism of our day. It is shameful, it is hidden and it is not understood. I doubt I will ever understand.
That is why I am here. And that is why I don't delete comments or questions. Everyone has their own journey.
1) An anonymous way to vent without having to burden friends or family. None of the names on this blog are our real names and nothing is specific enough to divulge where we live.
2) As a record of how this journey will play out.
3) So that other partners of SA's won't feel as alone as I did.
When this problem first happened to us I thought I was a big part of the problem. The "what if I had" question popped into my brain constantly.
Then I felt I could control the situation and control David's recover. Yes, I am a controlling person and that is something I am working hard to overcome.
Now I realize that with the amount of SAA meetings in the area and state I understand that this is not a small problem only happening to us. This is the alcoholism of our day. It is shameful, it is hidden and it is not understood. I doubt I will ever understand.
That is why I am here. And that is why I don't delete comments or questions. Everyone has their own journey.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Visit to the Divorce Lawyer
Yesterday was a hard day. I did something I always hoped would never happen. Even when I first found out about David's addiction I hoped that a lawyer visit would not be part of our recovery.
Visited a divorce lawyer to work on the separation agreement. In our state you have to be separated for 12 months before you can file for dissolution.
What a lot of people do is get a separation agreement that goes over what is done with what during the separation and then what happens after the divorce. If you don't agree before the divorce is filed you then let the courts decide.
Since this is not a clear case of adultery it is a bit stickier but due to the long history of email and chat and phone records I have and the fact that this was him messing up his second chance I have a good case to get what I want in the divorce and separation.
I am suffering from "indignities" and that is grounds for divorce.
I want to get all of our terms on paper not only to protect me and my sanity...also to get it done before David's guilt goes away or he gets caught up in the whole "this isn't my fault, I have a disease!" bullshit.
Oh by the way...our 5th anniversary was last week. Great.
Visited a divorce lawyer to work on the separation agreement. In our state you have to be separated for 12 months before you can file for dissolution.
What a lot of people do is get a separation agreement that goes over what is done with what during the separation and then what happens after the divorce. If you don't agree before the divorce is filed you then let the courts decide.
Since this is not a clear case of adultery it is a bit stickier but due to the long history of email and chat and phone records I have and the fact that this was him messing up his second chance I have a good case to get what I want in the divorce and separation.
I am suffering from "indignities" and that is grounds for divorce.
I want to get all of our terms on paper not only to protect me and my sanity...also to get it done before David's guilt goes away or he gets caught up in the whole "this isn't my fault, I have a disease!" bullshit.
Oh by the way...our 5th anniversary was last week. Great.
"Maybe it is you"
My last post got a very interesting comment. Essentially the person asked if maybe David's addiction was due to our lack of sex life. It was almost as if I went back in time and asked myself the question.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Relapse and Separation
I will post more details later but long story short is that I found out David had started online chatting with misc. women again.
Not only has he started again he:
1. Didn't come to me or do anything to get help.
2. Contacted some of the same people and used the same verbiage (22/m/FL) On here chatting because I can't sleep :)
3. Has been doing it since mid March.
I got 104 days of him not relapsing.
So not only did I find out I:
1. Tossed all of his clothing, toiletries, shoes out on the driveway.
2. Called an attny to start the separation process.
3. Used money that I was saving for a nice piece of furniture for our house (OUR HOUSE) to go get Botox.
Time to work on me and get back into COSA. Hindsight is showing me how much I let him get away with and how little I protected myself. He is not my problem right now.
I thought I was in shock...Wasn't that weepy...but now after an amazing weekend with dear friends, I think I am finally establishing so peace in my life. I am putting my mental health first and I already feel better.
Also...not much appetite loss. On that note...gonna go eat some mac n cheese and call it a night!
Not only has he started again he:
1. Didn't come to me or do anything to get help.
2. Contacted some of the same people and used the same verbiage (22/m/FL) On here chatting because I can't sleep :)
3. Has been doing it since mid March.
I got 104 days of him not relapsing.
So not only did I find out I:
1. Tossed all of his clothing, toiletries, shoes out on the driveway.
2. Called an attny to start the separation process.
3. Used money that I was saving for a nice piece of furniture for our house (OUR HOUSE) to go get Botox.
Time to work on me and get back into COSA. Hindsight is showing me how much I let him get away with and how little I protected myself. He is not my problem right now.
I thought I was in shock...Wasn't that weepy...but now after an amazing weekend with dear friends, I think I am finally establishing so peace in my life. I am putting my mental health first and I already feel better.
Also...not much appetite loss. On that note...gonna go eat some mac n cheese and call it a night!
Wool over the eyes
Things seemed good. Not great but good. Still having money fights but I thought it was his OCD taking hold in a different place. Anything is better than were it was taking hold.
Thought he was taking his medication and doing his best to make meetings.
Thought: WOW we over 6 months without a relapse.
Thouht we may have just beaten this thing.
David had pulled the wool over both of our eyes. He relapsed.
Thought he was taking his medication and doing his best to make meetings.
Thought: WOW we over 6 months without a relapse.
Thouht we may have just beaten this thing.
David had pulled the wool over both of our eyes. He relapsed.
Monday, March 21, 2011
March update
The good news: from what I know and what I have seen David has not had a relapse with his porn or sex addiction. I got a full time job offer that I accepted.
The bad: David has become obsessed with money and "one upping" me.
The ugly: The constant bickering over money and David's need to be the center of attention has cased me to bring back the reality that we are still not at the point to deal with fights over little things.
I am working on not stewing in my own anger. When he finally pushed me over the edge with the one upping ("You think YOU had a bad day!!!") and money nit picking ("why did you deposit this check instead of giving it to me? That was MY $100.") I simply told him that this needs to change. And I KNOW that we are still working on him realizing when he hurts me and me trusting him again. My boundary (RULE) that I set with him is that every time he does those actions I get to write a $50 check from his account to my account. I do know money affects him and I am not sure if that worked or the fact that I made it purely BLACK and WHITE what I was mad about and what he needed to stop and what would happen if he didn't. Like a child.
All I know is that I am really gun shy right now and it seems every time I get a little comfortable with us I have a new behavior to stop.
I visited friends this weekend and discussed our problems minus the sex and porn addiction. Saying it all out loud was really sad. We haven't even gotten to the point in therapy when they feel we can handle being together during the sessions.
Silver lining: I will have money of my own again and my car just got paid off. I will finally feel a little less trapped by the situation and hopefully David will feel the possibility of loosing me. This is hard to say but I just feel I need a break from him for a while. Glad I have a trip out of town in a couple weeks. For the first time I NEED a vacation. I need to forget my everyday life. It is exhausting.
Second Silver Lining: Appetite is better. Sweets-especially chocolate-still doesn't taste right. Honestly most things don't but sweets are way off in flavor.
The bad: David has become obsessed with money and "one upping" me.
The ugly: The constant bickering over money and David's need to be the center of attention has cased me to bring back the reality that we are still not at the point to deal with fights over little things.
I am working on not stewing in my own anger. When he finally pushed me over the edge with the one upping ("You think YOU had a bad day!!!") and money nit picking ("why did you deposit this check instead of giving it to me? That was MY $100.") I simply told him that this needs to change. And I KNOW that we are still working on him realizing when he hurts me and me trusting him again. My boundary (RULE) that I set with him is that every time he does those actions I get to write a $50 check from his account to my account. I do know money affects him and I am not sure if that worked or the fact that I made it purely BLACK and WHITE what I was mad about and what he needed to stop and what would happen if he didn't. Like a child.
All I know is that I am really gun shy right now and it seems every time I get a little comfortable with us I have a new behavior to stop.
I visited friends this weekend and discussed our problems minus the sex and porn addiction. Saying it all out loud was really sad. We haven't even gotten to the point in therapy when they feel we can handle being together during the sessions.
Silver lining: I will have money of my own again and my car just got paid off. I will finally feel a little less trapped by the situation and hopefully David will feel the possibility of loosing me. This is hard to say but I just feel I need a break from him for a while. Glad I have a trip out of town in a couple weeks. For the first time I NEED a vacation. I need to forget my everyday life. It is exhausting.
Second Silver Lining: Appetite is better. Sweets-especially chocolate-still doesn't taste right. Honestly most things don't but sweets are way off in flavor.
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