When this addiction touched our lives I realized that even though my therapist said it is the "alcoholism of our generation" there are very little resources on the subject.
One place that helped me was the wonderful blog and resource http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/
Joann is the author and I had submitted my story back in November. If you have followed this blog you know all the changes since November.
I do hope that my story will help some and at the very least help people know they are not alone.
Keep up the great work, Joann! You are an angel.
Aileen.
Monday, July 11, 2011
All work and no play...
Makes for a dull marriage. And a dull marriage is a good thing. We are puttering along and supporting each other but not micro managing each other.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Don't get me wrong. It is hard. Juggling everything while still keeping it a secret from family and most friends. I will say if I have to go to one more baby shower I will scream.
Our poor house has been an innocent victim of our recovery. We have neglected the yard, the painting, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, everything. We have now started putting some energy into making it the house we wanted when we bought it over a year ago. First thing...kill the weeds that are taking over our yard. We tried ourselves for the last year (half heatedly at best) and have finally called in the experts. It will no longer be an embarrassment.
As far as our relationship...we have had two major fights and had sex once. For 6 weeks that is not awful. Anger is the cause for both of those statistics. I am still working very hard on my anger towards David.
Oh...Finally...just to add more stress...my mother's cancer is probably back after being in remission for over 5 years. I didn't even say "it can't get any worse!"
Prayers welcomed for her recovery.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Co Dependant
When I joined Cosa the first time I didn't believe I was co-dependant. Trying to take a good look at my place in this relationship.
Yep...I may be a bit co dependant. May be textbook.
More info see this article.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Yep...I may be a bit co dependant. May be textbook.
More info see this article.
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Friday, June 3, 2011
Why...
There are 3 reasons I do this blog...
1) An anonymous way to vent without having to burden friends or family. None of the names on this blog are our real names and nothing is specific enough to divulge where we live.
2) As a record of how this journey will play out.
3) So that other partners of SA's won't feel as alone as I did.
When this problem first happened to us I thought I was a big part of the problem. The "what if I had" question popped into my brain constantly.
Then I felt I could control the situation and control David's recover. Yes, I am a controlling person and that is something I am working hard to overcome.
Now I realize that with the amount of SAA meetings in the area and state I understand that this is not a small problem only happening to us. This is the alcoholism of our day. It is shameful, it is hidden and it is not understood. I doubt I will ever understand.
That is why I am here. And that is why I don't delete comments or questions. Everyone has their own journey.
1) An anonymous way to vent without having to burden friends or family. None of the names on this blog are our real names and nothing is specific enough to divulge where we live.
2) As a record of how this journey will play out.
3) So that other partners of SA's won't feel as alone as I did.
When this problem first happened to us I thought I was a big part of the problem. The "what if I had" question popped into my brain constantly.
Then I felt I could control the situation and control David's recover. Yes, I am a controlling person and that is something I am working hard to overcome.
Now I realize that with the amount of SAA meetings in the area and state I understand that this is not a small problem only happening to us. This is the alcoholism of our day. It is shameful, it is hidden and it is not understood. I doubt I will ever understand.
That is why I am here. And that is why I don't delete comments or questions. Everyone has their own journey.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Visit to the Divorce Lawyer
Yesterday was a hard day. I did something I always hoped would never happen. Even when I first found out about David's addiction I hoped that a lawyer visit would not be part of our recovery.
Visited a divorce lawyer to work on the separation agreement. In our state you have to be separated for 12 months before you can file for dissolution.
What a lot of people do is get a separation agreement that goes over what is done with what during the separation and then what happens after the divorce. If you don't agree before the divorce is filed you then let the courts decide.
Since this is not a clear case of adultery it is a bit stickier but due to the long history of email and chat and phone records I have and the fact that this was him messing up his second chance I have a good case to get what I want in the divorce and separation.
I am suffering from "indignities" and that is grounds for divorce.
I want to get all of our terms on paper not only to protect me and my sanity...also to get it done before David's guilt goes away or he gets caught up in the whole "this isn't my fault, I have a disease!" bullshit.
Oh by the way...our 5th anniversary was last week. Great.
Visited a divorce lawyer to work on the separation agreement. In our state you have to be separated for 12 months before you can file for dissolution.
What a lot of people do is get a separation agreement that goes over what is done with what during the separation and then what happens after the divorce. If you don't agree before the divorce is filed you then let the courts decide.
Since this is not a clear case of adultery it is a bit stickier but due to the long history of email and chat and phone records I have and the fact that this was him messing up his second chance I have a good case to get what I want in the divorce and separation.
I am suffering from "indignities" and that is grounds for divorce.
I want to get all of our terms on paper not only to protect me and my sanity...also to get it done before David's guilt goes away or he gets caught up in the whole "this isn't my fault, I have a disease!" bullshit.
Oh by the way...our 5th anniversary was last week. Great.
"Maybe it is you"
My last post got a very interesting comment. Essentially the person asked if maybe David's addiction was due to our lack of sex life. It was almost as if I went back in time and asked myself the question.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
There was a time when I thought Sex Addiction only had to do with the act of sex or orgasm. That if only the Sex Addict wasn't such a disgusting, selfish person they would get over it. Or if the Sex Addicts girlfriend/boyfriend would just give it up more than the addiction would go away.
Not sure if anyone remember David Ducovney and his addiction. This is exactly what I thought and wondered how Tea Leone could stay with him? After a lot of reading and a lot of professional help I have a different look at this addiction.
Asking a question like that is like saying to someone who is married to an alcoholic "maybe it is your fault...maybe you weren't drunk enough with him. Maybe if you were drunk more often with him he would not want to be drunk as much." Since this is a SEX addiction the other person in the relationship is looked at a lot closer and blamed a lot more. If you found out your wife was addicted to internet shopping you as the husband wouldn't think "if only I was on ebay with her more often!"
It took me a long time but I realize this addiction has nothing to do with me. He had signs of it before we even met. I have been an enabler at times but most of the time sex addiction really has nothing to do with sex!
Working on the co-dependency has been hard. It is easier with him out of the house. Not easy. Just easier.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Relapse and Separation
I will post more details later but long story short is that I found out David had started online chatting with misc. women again.
Not only has he started again he:
1. Didn't come to me or do anything to get help.
2. Contacted some of the same people and used the same verbiage (22/m/FL) On here chatting because I can't sleep :)
3. Has been doing it since mid March.
I got 104 days of him not relapsing.
So not only did I find out I:
1. Tossed all of his clothing, toiletries, shoes out on the driveway.
2. Called an attny to start the separation process.
3. Used money that I was saving for a nice piece of furniture for our house (OUR HOUSE) to go get Botox.
Time to work on me and get back into COSA. Hindsight is showing me how much I let him get away with and how little I protected myself. He is not my problem right now.
I thought I was in shock...Wasn't that weepy...but now after an amazing weekend with dear friends, I think I am finally establishing so peace in my life. I am putting my mental health first and I already feel better.
Also...not much appetite loss. On that note...gonna go eat some mac n cheese and call it a night!
Not only has he started again he:
1. Didn't come to me or do anything to get help.
2. Contacted some of the same people and used the same verbiage (22/m/FL) On here chatting because I can't sleep :)
3. Has been doing it since mid March.
I got 104 days of him not relapsing.
So not only did I find out I:
1. Tossed all of his clothing, toiletries, shoes out on the driveway.
2. Called an attny to start the separation process.
3. Used money that I was saving for a nice piece of furniture for our house (OUR HOUSE) to go get Botox.
Time to work on me and get back into COSA. Hindsight is showing me how much I let him get away with and how little I protected myself. He is not my problem right now.
I thought I was in shock...Wasn't that weepy...but now after an amazing weekend with dear friends, I think I am finally establishing so peace in my life. I am putting my mental health first and I already feel better.
Also...not much appetite loss. On that note...gonna go eat some mac n cheese and call it a night!
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