When I am away from David for longer than a couple hours I have started asking how he dealt with that idle time. These where the times that he used porn the most in the past before I found out.
My computer is still locked with a secret password every time I leave but I still ask if he had urges or acted on them. Honestly I am not sure what I would do if he did act on them.
The first 6 weeks after my discover of his sex addiction he said he never had any urges and just thinking about how hurt I was made him never want to do that again.
The last couple times I have asked him he said that he did have urges but didn't act on them. He said it was the idle time that makes his mind go back to porn.
Realizing that this is not something that will just go away is hard. Knowing it is something we will probably have to work on and always work on is depressing. It is something that has made me a little sad today. Reality is hard. I think I need to make the next COSA online meeting to vent.
I used to be able to talk to the few friends who I told but I know they are tired hearing of my problems. I don't blame them. I am tired of having my problems.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sex addics diet!
Over the holidays I weighed myself because we don't have a scale in our house. Last year this time I weighed 139. This year same time I weigh 114.
I don't know if it is the stress or the medicine that makes me not want to eat. Even over the holidays when the food is the best and the snacks are amazing the only thing that really sounded good was Egg Nog. And that was a bad idea. Going from about 500 calories a day to Egg Nog is not recommended.
It seemed like I was getting hungry again and then yesterday it dropped again. If I have distractions from our troubles my desire to eat comes back a little. Now that we are back to our day to day lives my appetite is back to almost nothing.
Yesterday I had a leftover biscuit, one egg, one slice of american cheese, a glass of milk, and a cup of pasta and meat sauce. I worked on my feet for almost 10 hours and wasn't even hungry when I got home.
I fit into clothes that I wore in 1998.
I don't know if it is the stress or the medicine that makes me not want to eat. Even over the holidays when the food is the best and the snacks are amazing the only thing that really sounded good was Egg Nog. And that was a bad idea. Going from about 500 calories a day to Egg Nog is not recommended.
It seemed like I was getting hungry again and then yesterday it dropped again. If I have distractions from our troubles my desire to eat comes back a little. Now that we are back to our day to day lives my appetite is back to almost nothing.
Yesterday I had a leftover biscuit, one egg, one slice of american cheese, a glass of milk, and a cup of pasta and meat sauce. I worked on my feet for almost 10 hours and wasn't even hungry when I got home.
I fit into clothes that I wore in 1998.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas
Just want to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas. Home with my family for a little bit then back to our house for David's family to join us for a little bit. Things have been better but I notice that we both seem to do better when we are busy.
Take care and keep warm everyone!
Take care and keep warm everyone!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Fight II
David controls the money right now because he makes most of it...if not all of it. I have asked for a credit card before or debit card so if I get stuck without money I could be ok. Yesterday was one of those days I needed emergency money. I got dinged with a fee from my bank I was not expecting and had a 2 dollar balance in my account. Just got done paying bills and usually leaves me really tight.
I went to go get a checkbook from his office and they were gone. Called David at work and LONG story short he had all the checkbooks and cc's so he could "keep account" of everything. Now part of addiction is control issues. He can't control the porn anymore so he is becoming obsessed with our money. Now keep in mind I made ALL the money for the last two years and never micromanaged money David needed.
I got hysterical. I had no way to get gas to get to work and he didn't trust ME enough to leave items in the house. We keep separate accounts so David doesn't even know that I don't spend money I don't have. Most items are food, gas, bills, and this time of year gifts for others.
He finally told me (after suggesting I use the lawnmower gas in a gas can in the garage) that there was a credit card in his drawer. It was so hidden within things that it took me 10 minutes to find it. Let's just say that drawer looked a little crazy when I left it.
This has been a slow build fight. I still feel like I am trying harder than him and need him to prove more to me. I have been "faking it till we make it" a little to much. I also feel he has been looking out just for himself recently and not thinking about us at all.
We both built up a lot of cc debt saving cash to buy our house. Cash is king right now. So when my husband got a little extra money he paid off HIS two credit cards without consulting me and without thought to my debt. Yes mine are lower rates but it was still a decision that should have been made by both of us. He also has been making thoughtless and mean comments like "You're only staying because you like having the money and the house." Dick.
So with all these little things building inside me...I got home and told David since he doesn't trust me with money he can have all access to my accounts and his job is to now pay all my bills and manage all my money. I will tell him when I need money and he will make it available.
Of course this extra work on his part did not sound good to David. He wanted control but not to have to do all the work. When I realized this I realized that I wanted out. Now. I am working on getting a full time job and told David the one that I am in the second interview stage is the last thing I will wait on. Once I have it or not I am moving out.
If I get the job I will stay in Charlotte and get an apartment or find a roommate. If not I will move home with my family. Either way he can work on fixing himself because it seems like the only reason he is doing anything is because I am forcing him to do it. If he doesn't want to get better on his own he won't and even though it has only been 6 weeks I can't think about a life like this any longer.
Once I decided to move out I felt so much better because for the first time I realized that I do have the strength to leave if and when I need to. It is no longer an empty threat. It is something I CAN do.
After this point I felt a lot better and told David no matter what we will get through the holidays and then deal with the separation. In our state you have to be separated for a year before you can get a divorce. I told him that I will only use all the info I have on him to have him pay for my moving fees, lawyer fees and to help me out until I get a full time job. At this point leaving with a lot of debt was better than staying and losing my sanity.
I was done talking and proceeded to clean the house. He joined me in silence and then I started to decorate the tree by myself just like I had for the last 5 years with David. He told me that he would work on becoming more involved in Christmas but this year was like every other year and he didn't do anything.
At one point in our fight I asked him to name one thing that he did for me that was nice that was done without me asking and without that thing benefiting him as well. A sweet gift? Flowers? Bring home a DVD as a surprise? A card? He couldn't name one thing in the last two years.
The money issue was just the straw that broke the back.
I could tell I was freaking David out. He told me that I was acting like a stranger and he didn't understand me at all. Well I know how that feels.
David has been so selfish for the last 2 years that for him to do these recent selfish things freaked me out.
What if he never changes? What if he is only trying until I let him off the hook and then he stays the same? I am not getting any younger and if I do want kids in the next year I have to decide to stay or leave.
I know you can drive yourself crazy with the what if's in life. It took 5 hours of talking but we came to a ceasefire. Yesterday was a very bad day. We are acting like two individuals living in one house not a couple and we never really have. David has made asking for money so hard for me that I am paying bills late because I wait until the last second to ask for money. He is making me feel guilty for not having a job but he is the one that has moved us twice in the last 2 years. This is a hard market. It takes time and effort. I have been in Real Estate since 2003 and there really is no market in our new city.
He agreed that he needs to do more and talk to me more about how HE wants to get better not just appease me.
Our relationship has been very hard for the last two+ years but I always thought once we were where we are now we would get better and could start a family. The reality of the situation has finally sunk in and I am out of the denial phase of mourning my previous life and I know I am in the ANGER phase. Rage even.
No medication could even out this anger that is in me now unless it put me in a coma.
One day at a time. But now I know I can leave David and know I am doing what is right. And for once I think David know that I will leave him if he doesn't make everything right.
I went to go get a checkbook from his office and they were gone. Called David at work and LONG story short he had all the checkbooks and cc's so he could "keep account" of everything. Now part of addiction is control issues. He can't control the porn anymore so he is becoming obsessed with our money. Now keep in mind I made ALL the money for the last two years and never micromanaged money David needed.
I got hysterical. I had no way to get gas to get to work and he didn't trust ME enough to leave items in the house. We keep separate accounts so David doesn't even know that I don't spend money I don't have. Most items are food, gas, bills, and this time of year gifts for others.
He finally told me (after suggesting I use the lawnmower gas in a gas can in the garage) that there was a credit card in his drawer. It was so hidden within things that it took me 10 minutes to find it. Let's just say that drawer looked a little crazy when I left it.
This has been a slow build fight. I still feel like I am trying harder than him and need him to prove more to me. I have been "faking it till we make it" a little to much. I also feel he has been looking out just for himself recently and not thinking about us at all.
We both built up a lot of cc debt saving cash to buy our house. Cash is king right now. So when my husband got a little extra money he paid off HIS two credit cards without consulting me and without thought to my debt. Yes mine are lower rates but it was still a decision that should have been made by both of us. He also has been making thoughtless and mean comments like "You're only staying because you like having the money and the house." Dick.
So with all these little things building inside me...I got home and told David since he doesn't trust me with money he can have all access to my accounts and his job is to now pay all my bills and manage all my money. I will tell him when I need money and he will make it available.
Of course this extra work on his part did not sound good to David. He wanted control but not to have to do all the work. When I realized this I realized that I wanted out. Now. I am working on getting a full time job and told David the one that I am in the second interview stage is the last thing I will wait on. Once I have it or not I am moving out.
If I get the job I will stay in Charlotte and get an apartment or find a roommate. If not I will move home with my family. Either way he can work on fixing himself because it seems like the only reason he is doing anything is because I am forcing him to do it. If he doesn't want to get better on his own he won't and even though it has only been 6 weeks I can't think about a life like this any longer.
Once I decided to move out I felt so much better because for the first time I realized that I do have the strength to leave if and when I need to. It is no longer an empty threat. It is something I CAN do.
After this point I felt a lot better and told David no matter what we will get through the holidays and then deal with the separation. In our state you have to be separated for a year before you can get a divorce. I told him that I will only use all the info I have on him to have him pay for my moving fees, lawyer fees and to help me out until I get a full time job. At this point leaving with a lot of debt was better than staying and losing my sanity.
I was done talking and proceeded to clean the house. He joined me in silence and then I started to decorate the tree by myself just like I had for the last 5 years with David. He told me that he would work on becoming more involved in Christmas but this year was like every other year and he didn't do anything.
At one point in our fight I asked him to name one thing that he did for me that was nice that was done without me asking and without that thing benefiting him as well. A sweet gift? Flowers? Bring home a DVD as a surprise? A card? He couldn't name one thing in the last two years.
The money issue was just the straw that broke the back.
I could tell I was freaking David out. He told me that I was acting like a stranger and he didn't understand me at all. Well I know how that feels.
David has been so selfish for the last 2 years that for him to do these recent selfish things freaked me out.
What if he never changes? What if he is only trying until I let him off the hook and then he stays the same? I am not getting any younger and if I do want kids in the next year I have to decide to stay or leave.
I know you can drive yourself crazy with the what if's in life. It took 5 hours of talking but we came to a ceasefire. Yesterday was a very bad day. We are acting like two individuals living in one house not a couple and we never really have. David has made asking for money so hard for me that I am paying bills late because I wait until the last second to ask for money. He is making me feel guilty for not having a job but he is the one that has moved us twice in the last 2 years. This is a hard market. It takes time and effort. I have been in Real Estate since 2003 and there really is no market in our new city.
He agreed that he needs to do more and talk to me more about how HE wants to get better not just appease me.
Our relationship has been very hard for the last two+ years but I always thought once we were where we are now we would get better and could start a family. The reality of the situation has finally sunk in and I am out of the denial phase of mourning my previous life and I know I am in the ANGER phase. Rage even.
No medication could even out this anger that is in me now unless it put me in a coma.
One day at a time. But now I know I can leave David and know I am doing what is right. And for once I think David know that I will leave him if he doesn't make everything right.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Devil on my shoulder.
This weekend I was very spiteful. Not sure if it was lack of sleep or just stress or that David and I are finally getting a little more comfortable around each other. I tell tell his stress levels are dropping and mine are leveling off a bit. BUT the devil is looking at every negative thing and wanting to make hurtful comments at every turn.
And David makes it easy. I do believe he lacks empathy more than most people so that when he talks he doesn't even think about how his words will sound to the other person. Also a sign of his narcissism.
We were talking about my possible second interview for a sales job. I have submitted more paperwork and am waiting for them to contact me once references are checked. David said he can't wait for me to get a job because then we will be able to put some money in the bank and be in really good financial shape.
Up pops the devil on my shoulder.
The devil makes me say "Well you know the main reason I am looking for a job is so that if I decide to leave you I will have my own money before I take you to court and get spousal support."
Did anything good come from that conversation? No. Did I feel better after it? No.
Another time this weekend I asked him a little more about his chat room behavior. He at this point did not know I was able to decode a good portion of his Yahoo chats and copy them to my personal email account.
Devil, "So when you were chatting with these girls did you ask for their phone number or did they ask for yours?"
David, "I never initiated calling these girls...I learned quickly that once you gave out your phone number they would text you all hours of the day and night."
Devil, "Really because when I found some old chat logs on your computer it seems like you would ask them for their number so they could hear you cum."
Then the devil proceeds to look up this chat log and read it to David:
And David makes it easy. I do believe he lacks empathy more than most people so that when he talks he doesn't even think about how his words will sound to the other person. Also a sign of his narcissism.
We were talking about my possible second interview for a sales job. I have submitted more paperwork and am waiting for them to contact me once references are checked. David said he can't wait for me to get a job because then we will be able to put some money in the bank and be in really good financial shape.
Up pops the devil on my shoulder.
The devil makes me say "Well you know the main reason I am looking for a job is so that if I decide to leave you I will have my own money before I take you to court and get spousal support."
Did anything good come from that conversation? No. Did I feel better after it? No.
Another time this weekend I asked him a little more about his chat room behavior. He at this point did not know I was able to decode a good portion of his Yahoo chats and copy them to my personal email account.
Devil, "So when you were chatting with these girls did you ask for their phone number or did they ask for yours?"
David, "I never initiated calling these girls...I learned quickly that once you gave out your phone number they would text you all hours of the day and night."
Devil, "Really because when I found some old chat logs on your computer it seems like you would ask them for their number so they could hear you cum."
Then the devil proceeds to look up this chat log and read it to David:
David (18:40:52): can i call ur celly real aquick and we can cum together?
David (18:41:00): i'll moan for u
anda (18:41:06): that felt amazing
anda (18:41:08): wow
David (18:41:23): wanna hear me cum?
anda (18:42:13): i dont like to give out my number babe but you can record it and email it to me if you wanna be extra nice
David (18:42:23): lol
David (18:42:31): yea too many weirdos here
So did showing David that I had even more details about his problem and proof that he was lying to me make me feel any better? Nope. It did make him feel worse.
Saddest thing is he hoped that I was not sitting at home all day digging over the computer and not getting anything else done. Really? He asked me that? Because he hasn't gone two days without eating before because he was so wired up to porn to notice that he was hungry? Hmmmm...he must live in the most beautiful glass house.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Baby Steps
David and I talked through our fight last night. He has a way where he doesn't apologize but acts really nice and almost childlike to get me to warm back up to him. Didn't quite work this time and I waited until I heard the full "I'm sorry."
Some things discussed-
*he needs to reaffirm to me that he is serious about recovery.
*If I ask him to not sleep in our bed he needs to respect it.
*He needs to give me 5 non sexual hugs a day (hugs not going anywhere).
*He needs to set up his voicemail on his work phone so if I am mad I can call and leave a message rather then it going through his companies email.
*I need to remember that we can't fix everything in a month and we are making progress
*I should help give David small goals that he feels are attainable (go to the SAA meeting and church) rather then expect him to manage everything. He has a problem and needs help and support too
*He needs to NEVER say "You need to calm down" or any variant ever again. EVER.
*I need to remember that due to his childhood he has very negative ideas of psychiatry. Agreeing to go is a big step.
I know he was at fault but I am seeing glimmers of the man he was when we met and first married. When he would share everything with me. This addiction caused secrets and guilt and resentment for years. I can look back now and see the signs and symptoms but without the truth that we are working on there was nothing I could do to help him.
Before all these horrible secrets came out I would not look forward to seeing him. He was always grouchy and sensitive about everything. Now I feel we are both happy to see each other.
Strange...even though I know he did horrible things...I see more of the good person that he is now. Strange.
Some things discussed-
*he needs to reaffirm to me that he is serious about recovery.
*If I ask him to not sleep in our bed he needs to respect it.
*He needs to give me 5 non sexual hugs a day (hugs not going anywhere).
*He needs to set up his voicemail on his work phone so if I am mad I can call and leave a message rather then it going through his companies email.
*I need to remember that we can't fix everything in a month and we are making progress
*I should help give David small goals that he feels are attainable (go to the SAA meeting and church) rather then expect him to manage everything. He has a problem and needs help and support too
*He needs to NEVER say "You need to calm down" or any variant ever again. EVER.
*I need to remember that due to his childhood he has very negative ideas of psychiatry. Agreeing to go is a big step.
I know he was at fault but I am seeing glimmers of the man he was when we met and first married. When he would share everything with me. This addiction caused secrets and guilt and resentment for years. I can look back now and see the signs and symptoms but without the truth that we are working on there was nothing I could do to help him.
Before all these horrible secrets came out I would not look forward to seeing him. He was always grouchy and sensitive about everything. Now I feel we are both happy to see each other.
Strange...even though I know he did horrible things...I see more of the good person that he is now. Strange.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Fight
We got in a big fight last night. After or nice heated email exchange he called and the first words out of his mouth were "You need to calm down."
David has lost the right to tell me to calm down.
He explained that he just didn't read the emails well enough and had he noticed that I wanted him to go to the phych appt over the derm appointment he would have.
Then he said if I am upset I need to send an email and he will step out of the office and call me. That work email is no place to bicker back and forth since they monitor his email because he works with confidential company info.
I told him that if it is because of his actions that we really have no other way to talk during the day. Due to being a SA he has no personal phone, he has no texting, he can't access his email at work or on his phone anymore, and his work phone doesn't even have the voicemail set up yet. His actions have caused me to use his work email as the only place I can talk to him.
The day I found out about his problem I sent him a text that we need to talk ASAP. 4 hours later I sent another asking if he had gotten the last text. So sometimes when it is not convenient to him or he doesn't want to deal with it he won't just step out and call me.
We are still not talking. I can honestly say I hate him right now.
David has lost the right to tell me to calm down.
He explained that he just didn't read the emails well enough and had he noticed that I wanted him to go to the phych appt over the derm appointment he would have.
Then he said if I am upset I need to send an email and he will step out of the office and call me. That work email is no place to bicker back and forth since they monitor his email because he works with confidential company info.
I told him that if it is because of his actions that we really have no other way to talk during the day. Due to being a SA he has no personal phone, he has no texting, he can't access his email at work or on his phone anymore, and his work phone doesn't even have the voicemail set up yet. His actions have caused me to use his work email as the only place I can talk to him.
The day I found out about his problem I sent him a text that we need to talk ASAP. 4 hours later I sent another asking if he had gotten the last text. So sometimes when it is not convenient to him or he doesn't want to deal with it he won't just step out and call me.
We are still not talking. I can honestly say I hate him right now.
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